2بخش

That’s enough.

He’s ready to talk.

Run, run, run, as fast as you can.

You can’t catch me.

I’m the gingerbread man!

You’re a monster.

I’m not the monster here.

You are.

You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world.

Now, tell me!

Where are the others?

Eat me!

I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures.

Now my patience has reached its end!

Tell me or I’ll–

No, no, not the buttons.

Not my gumdrop buttons.

All right then.

Who’s hiding them?

Okay, I’ll tell you.

Do you know the muffin man?

The muffin man?

The muffin man.

Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

Well, she’s married to the muffin man.

The muffin man?

The muffin man!

She’s married to the muffin man.

My Lord!

We found it.

Then what are you waiting for?

Bring it in.

Oh!

Magic mirror–

Don’t tell him anything!

No!

Evening.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

Well, technically you’re not a king.

Uh, Thelonius.

You were saying?

What I mean is, you’re not a king yet.

But you can become one.

All you have to do is marry a princess.

Go on.

So,just sit back and relax, my Lord, because it’s time for you to meet today’s eligible bachelorettes.

And here they are!

Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, faraway.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime.

Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters.

Please welcome Cinderella.

Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy.

Although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy.

Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is.

Come on.

Give it up for Snow White!

And last, but certainly not least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!

But don’t let that cool you off.

She’s a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!

So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

Two!

Two!

Three!

Three!

Two!

Two!

Three!

Three?

One?

Three?

Three!

Pick number three, my Lord!

Okay, okay, uh, number three!

Lord Farquaad, you’ve chosen Princess Fiona.

If you love pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain

Princess Fiona.

If you’re not into yoga

She’s perfect.

All I have to do is just find someone who can go–

But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

I’ll do it.

Yes, but after sunset–

Silence!

I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men.

We’re going to have a tournament.

But that’s it.

That’s it right there.

That’s DuLoc.

I told ya I’d find it.

So, that must be Lord Farquaad’s castle.

Uh-huh.

That’s the place.

Do you think maybe he’s compensating for something?

Hey, wait.

Wait up, Shrek.

Hurry, darling.

We’re late.

Hurry.

Hey, you!

Wait a second.

Look, I’m not gonna eat ya.

I just–

I just–

It’s quiet.

Too quiet.

Where is everybody?

Hey, look at this!

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don’t make waves, stay in line and we’ll get along fine

DuLoc is a perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is a perfect

Place

Wow!

Let’s do that again!

No.

No.

No, no, no!

No.

Brave knights.

You are the best and brightest in all the land.

Today one of you shall prove himself–

All right.

You’re going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Sorry about that.

That champion shall have the honour– no, no– the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep oft he dragon.

If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth.

Some of you may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.

Let the tournament begin!

Oh!

What is that?

It’s hideous!

Ah, that’s not very nice.

It’s just a donkey.

Huh?

Indeed.

Knights, new plan!

The one who kills the ogre will be named champion!

Have at him!

Get him!

Oh, hey!

Now come on!

Hang on now.

Go ahead!

Get him!

Can’t we just settle this over a pint?

Kill the beast!

No?

All right then.

Come on!

I don’t give a damn about my reputation

You’re living in the past

It’s a new generation

Damn!

A girl can do what she wants to do

And that’s what I’m gonna do

And I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no

Not me

Me, me, me

Hey, Shrek, tag me!

Tag me!

And I don’t give a damn about my reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station

Ah!

And I’m always feeling good when I’m having fun

Yeah!

And I don’t have to please no one

The chair!

Give him the chair!

And I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no

Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no

Not me, not me

Not me

Oh, yeah!

Ah!

Ah!

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

I’m here till Thursday.

Try the veal!

Ha, ha!

Shall I give the order, sir?

No, I have a better idea.

People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

What?

Congratulations, ogre.

You’ve won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest.

Quest?

I’m already on a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

Your swamp?

Yeah, my swamp!

Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

Indeed.

All right, ogre, I’ll make you a deal.

Go on this quest for me, and

I’ll give you your swamp back.

Exactly the way it was?

Down to the last slime-covered toad stool

And the squatters?

As good as gone.

What kind of quest?

Let me get this straight.

You’re gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don’t have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

Is that about right?

Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk.

I don’t get it.

Why don’t you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him?

Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

Oh, I know what.

Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids.

Does that sound good to you?

Uh, no, not really, no.

For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.

Example?

Example?

Okay, um, ogres are like onions.

They stink?

Yes–

No!

They make you cry?

No!

You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sprouting little white hairs.

No!

Layers!

Onions have layers.

Ogres have layers!

Onions have layers.

You get it?

We both have layers.

Oh, you both have layers.

Oh.

You know, not everybody likes onions.

Cake!

Everybody loves cakes!

Cakes have layers.

I don’t care what everyone likes.

Ogres are not like cakes.

You know what else everybody likes?

Parfaits.

Have you ever met a person, you say, Let’s get some parfait, they say, No, I don’t like no parfait?

Parfaits are delicious.

No!

You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden!

Ogres are like onions!

End of story.

Bye-bye.

See ya later.

Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

You know, I think I preferred your humming.

Do you have a tissue or something?

I’m making a mess.

Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.

I’m on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh, uh-huh

Uh-huh, uh-huh

I’m on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh, uh-huh

Uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I’m on my way

I’m on my way

I’m on my way

Ooh!

Shrek!

Did you do that?

You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off.

My mouth was open.

Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you’d be dead.

It’s brimstone.

We must be getting close.

Yeah, right, brimstone.

Don’t be talking about it’s the brimstone.

I know what I smell.

It wasn’t no brimstone.

It didn’t come off no stone neither.

Sure, it’s big enough, but look at the location.

Uh, Shrek?

Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?

Oh, aye.

Well, I have a bit of a confession to make.

Donkeys don’t have layers.

We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

Wait a second.

Donkeys don’t have sleeves.

You know what I mean.

You can’t tell me you’re afraid of heights.

I’m just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!

Come on, Donkey.

I’m right here beside ya, okay?

For emotional support, we’ll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.

Really?

Really, really.

Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

Just keep moving.

And don’t look down.

Okay, don’t look down.

Don’t look down.

Don’t look down.

Keep on moving.

Don’t look down.

Shrek!

I’m looking down!

Oh, God, I can’t do this!

Just let me off, please!

But you’re already halfway.

But I know that half is safe!

Okay, fine.

I don’t have time for this.

You go back.

Shrek, no!

Wait!

Just, Donkey–

Let’s have a dance then, shall we?

Don’t do that!

Oh, I’m sorry.

Do what?

Oh, this?

Yes, that!

Yes?

Yes, do it.

Okay.

No, Shrek!

No!

Stop it!

You said do it!

I’m doing it.

I’m gonna die.

I’m gonna die.

Shrek, I’m gonna die.

Oh!

That’ll do, Donkey.

That’ll do.