رقابت میان پدرها 1

Oh, good morning, Dusty

Hey

You’re up and at ‘em

Yeah, I got up early and did a quick 20

Really

Twenty minutes of what

Oh, twenty miles

Did a little light sparring, then I whipped up a pan of piping-hot cinnamon rolls for my family

And I made one for you, too

Wow

That’s very impressive, thank you

Good morning, gang

Ooh, it smells yummy

Our real dad’s a super, super-duper good cook

Mmm-hmm

Here you go, guys

Yeah, it looks an awful lot like Cinnabon

Well, thank you, Brad

What a nice thing to say

Mmm, it tastes exactly like Cinnabon

In fact, same shape, same swirl, same frosting

Now you’re starting to embarrass me, but I do appreciate the compliment

Good morning, Sar-bear

Morning

Hey, listen, guys, Brad and I had a talk last night about the importance of family

And now that everyone’s here, I wanted to say a few words, okay

I think that would be great

Hey, kids, you know, families can be ever-growing and changing things

And sometimes someone new knocks on the door of your heart and you’re not sure if you have room in there for one more

But there’s someone here now that I hope you guys can learn to love

Okay

Come here, boy

A doggy

You brought a dog home

Yeah Is that a problem

I mean, you seemed really into it while I was teeing it up

No, I thought you were talking about me

Oh, but you’re not a dog, Brad

No

Look, last night, when we talked

Oh, yeah Well, listen, that’s got to happen organically

Why can’t it happen now

It just can’t

You’re dirty

Dusty, how old is that thing

I’d guess him to be around 15

I mean, I found him this morning, living in a storm drain

I named him Tumor, because of how much he grows on you

Mommy, can we keep Tumor, please

Oh, I’m gonna leave this one up to Brad

Please, Brad

Why is he looking at me like that

He’s only looking at me

Maybe we just get a puppy instead

A puppy, Brad

What are they going to learn from a puppy

An old dog like Tumor here’s been out in the world, man Living free

Fighting for survival and seeing things we can only dream of

Just look at the wisdom in those cloudy eyes

Besides, you know what happens to old dogs at shelters

He’s gonna have to walk the green mile as soon as he gets there

No, Brad, no

Don’t kill our dog

I hate you

Okay

Okay

Fine

He can live out his few remaining weeks with us

Yay

Thanks, Brad

I don’t hate you anymore

He’s going potty

Oh, my God

We’ll clean it up

We don’t mind

Look at that

The dog’s already teaching them responsibility

Hey, guys, when you got to pick up the potty, use gloves

Dusty

Can you please move this thing

I can’t get my car out of the garage

Hey, Brad, do you mind

I want to grab a quick shower

Yeah, sure, no problem

Hey, honey

Hi, sweetie

It’s blocking everything

No, I know

I know, don’t worry

We’re on top of it

What are you doing

Brad, I don’t

Hey

Stay away from that, please

Honey, what are you doing

I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Brad

Dusty

It’s vibrating up into my shoulders

Hey, it’s okay, Brad

Look, she’s a lot of bike, man

No, I’m good

Why don’t you go back in and take that shower, so you can get a shirt on

Oh, you got it

Hey, you look good on that, man

Remember, one down, four up

Dusty, everyone knows it’s one down

Watch out

Watch out

Watch out

Did Brad just die

I think we all need to prepare ourselves for that possibility, pumpkin

Okay

Brad

Brad

Oh, my God

Brad, are you all right

No, I’m not all right

I’m in the wall

I’m scared

Oh, honey

Jeez, Brad, I thought you said you could ride

I can ride, okay

Would you get a shirt on

I think if you could ride, you wouldn’t be stuck in a wall right now, Brad

Yeah

I’m sorry to say it, but he’s right

You almost killed the kids

Let’s not beat up on Brad here

Okay

He was showboating for the kids a little bit, and things got out of hand

Let’s all just be grateful nobody got hurt

Okay

I got hurt

Okay, kids, listen up

This is a good lesson on why you never wanna lie about your ability to do things you clearly can’t do, okay,

huh I think my arm is stuck in the wall

Brad, just stay still

I’ll get you out

No, no, no, no, no

No, don’t do anything

just go and get a shirt on

Just calm down, all right

Hey, I’m really sorry about what happened to your car

Yeah, and I’m sorry about what happened to your bike

Oh, no damage

Not a scratch

Oh, not even one scratch

Unbelievable

That’s so good

Let’s keep it going Inside the cones

Just like ice cream

Morning, Jerry

Got to keep it inside the cones

No, Daddy

You’re supposed to stay in the cones

Whoa, whoa

Inside the cones

Bring her in

That’s better

Let’s keep those kids safe today, okay

Thank you, Brad

Sorry, Doris

It’s okay

This whole drop-off line thing can be a bit overwhelming if you’re not used to it

Yeah, well, I’ve landed a chopper in the middle of a Cuban prison riot, Brad, I think I’m good

Bye, guys

I love you guys so much

Have a great day, okay

Bye, Daddy

Make sure you do all your work

I love you so

Here’s the exciting thing

We just opened up in our 68th market, making The Panda America’s number three smooth jazz station

And here it is

My little nook

Wow

Oh, man, I gotta admit, this is more than I expected

Wow

I kind of envy you, Brad

Oh, stop it

Ah, it’s true

I mean, you’re a nice guy, making a comfortable living, and the most fantastic woman in the world loves you dearly

Really

Thanks for saying that

I mean it

And that sacrifice she’s making for you

That’s true love

Sacrifice

Well, sure, Brad

You know how bad that girl wants another baby

She wants another baby

For her to let that slip away and marry a man she knew to be barren, that’s true love

How do you know that I can’t

Bradley

Yes

Caroline says we’re gonna hear some new voice talent this am

Yes, sir, in about 15 minutes

Okay

How’d it go with the shit bag ex-husband

Uh-uh

You whip his ass with that Loving Fence of yours

Well, actually it’s interesting, Mr Holt, because I want you to meet Dusty Mayron

Jesus in the morning

She was married to him first

Okay

Let’s establish some ground rules, pretty boy

Airborne

Huh

Well, your lapel pin

101st, that’s one hell of a division, sir

Oh, well, thank you, Dusty

Are you Airborne

Oh, no, sir, I’m afraid I don’t share that honor, but I’m humbled to be in the presence of anyone who does Airborne Division

Those guys love to fly

Very nice to meet you, sir

Thank you, thank you

It’s good to meet you

My pleasure It’s an honor

Fast friends over there

That’s wonderful

Come on

No way

The whole time you’re running guns for the freedom fighters right under the cartel’s noses, and they never suspected it was you once

Well, I’m sure they started to suspect once they were in a ball of fire the size of four city blocks

That’s great I love that

Holy buckets, Brad

If this guy was my wife’s ex, I’d put a bullet in my skull

Come on, Leo, cut it out

Sir, I think Barry’s ready

You’re really going to like this guy

Okay

Ready to listen

One-oh-three-point-six The Panda

All right

You like him, Brad

I do

I do I mean, I think his voice has a warm dependability that all Panda listeners could trust

What do you think, Duster

Does Dusty now work for The Panda

Yeah, Brad’s right

I’m not really into smooth jazz

I shouldn’t comment

Nobody’s into smooth jazz

I’m into smooth jazz

Of course you are, Brad

So what do you think, Dusty

I mean, it just seems a little flaccid

I think you need a voice with some virility and hope, that tells listeners, “Hey Maybe the next song won’t suck as bad as the last one”

Also, I think a strong ability to be something like

One-oh-three-point-six The Panda

What

What just happened

He sang the tagline

Good boy, Tumor

Daddy

Hey

Oh, perfect timing

Listen to this

One-oh-three-point-six The Panda

Is that you

Yeah

That’s you

Why is that him

I took him to work, and 15 minutes later he’s the new voice of The Panda

Hey, you believe that I record one take at 9:30 this morning, it’s already run 11 times

Do I really get 182 bucks every time they play that

Yes

Every time, yes

Ooh

Money

You see why I love America even more than most people do

Just the handyman I hired off Angie’s List

He’s upstairs fixing the damage

Your wife had to hire a man

For what

Some framing, a little sheetrock repair, some masonry and basic window glazing

Come on, Brad

We can bang that out tonight

Yeah

It’s just basic sheetrock glazing and, you know, little whatamajigs

Get up there and get in there and crank it out

Dusty is pretty good with his hands

Pretty good with my hands, Brad, she knows

Okay

Yeah, I’ll just go up there and I’ll

Want me to do it

No, no, no, no

I’ll tell him to screw

No, no, no

That’s okay

I’ll tell him, “Guess what, bub”

Tell him the men are here

I’ll say that

I’ll say, “The men are here”

Let’s do it

I don’t want to imply to him that he’s not a man

But I’ll just say, “Hey, the boys are back in town”

Right

Oh, hi

I’m Brad

My wife hired you

Nice to meet you, Brad

I just came up here to say that you

That, um, you should have good luck

Thank you for your wishes of luck

I’ll be downstairs

Well

What happened

Oh, you know, I think it’s

He already started, and I just think it feels wrong

Why

Because he’s black

No

No, no

Megan

Dylan

What are you doing

Teaching moment

Huh

Guys, what would we call Brad if he treated someone differently just because of the color of their skin Brad’s being racism

Racist, honey

Brad is a racist

Honey

No, I mean

But not on purpose

Is Brad a Klan person

No

So I’m a racist if I don’t fire someone

Well, yeah, you are

Yeah, you are

Sir, you’re taking this all wrong

Right

So you get one look at the color of my skin, and all of a sudden you’re Mr Do It Yourself, huh

No, not at all

Please, allow me to pay you for your time and travel

Don’t do me any favors, Paula Deen

I’m not a woman

You did the right thing

Boy, it doesn’t feel that way

Let’s get cracking

Where do you keep your tools

I know where Brad keeps his tools

In the credenza

Yeah

You keep your tools in the credenza, Brad

In the credenza

Mmm-hmm

Just easier to get to

It’s convenient

Yeah

This is a tackle box, Brad

Are we going fishing

No

Unless you want to go fishing

What have you got in here

A hammer, masking tape, three C batteries and a tampon

Yeah, well, a tampon’s handy for

Yeah, I know what they’re handy for

So are we not going to fix it

Well, what do you want from me, Brad

To buy all the gear we need would cost more than just hiring someone off of Angie’s List