درس 04

He knows more.

More has happened to him.

He’s seen more.

He’s seen history.

He’s witnessed history, Even if it’s not ancient history.

He saw Nixon resign on live television.

Me and those few people that clapped, We saw the president of America cry And then quit being the president.

That sh@t was crazy ‘cause none of us knew what was gonna happen next.

Today people are like, “the president’s kind of disappointing”.

Really?

Our president wept like an insane person And then got on a helicopter and flew away.

And the whole nation just watched him go.

I like getting older, though, because for me, The kind of guy I am, getting older Makes my life better, you know, Like, my s@x life, way better at 45, Look, ‘cause this situation is ok at 45.

This is not a fun kind of a 17-year-old to be.

And some people, their life is better when they’re younger.

You know, young dudes, young, skinny dudes, Best life in the world is being a young, skinny dude.

They don’t have to do anything.

They just show up with a big adam’s apple and a smelly t-shirt.

“so where do I– oh, everywhere? Ok. Cool”.

But for guys like me, this is not a fun youth.

It gets better.

I’d like to make one of those “it gets better” ads For just dumpy, young guys.

We could use a little help, a little encouragement, Just somebody on tv, “listen, man.

“I know it’s tough right now.

“you’re vaguely heavy with no face.

“you have zero value on the s@xual marketplace.

“you feel invisible to the girls in school because you are, “but it gets better because you’ll all grow up, “and you pretty much look just like this your whole life, “and they don’t.

“their options start running out really fast,”and you’re gonna be there”.

as long as you stay relatively employed and washed, “you’re gonna be amazing in your 40s.

“you’re gonna be– “you’re gonna be the branch that she can grab “before she hits the ground.

“It’s gonna be so great.

“It just takes time for her circumstances “to match your looks, but it’s gonna happen.

“it’s gonna happen.

It’s a weird selection process that we have.

Dating really is–

It’s how we evolve, is dating.

It’s how we choose each other, and dating is a real drag for a lot of people, But I always think it’s a nice thing.

You know, when I see a date, I’m always happy when I see a couple on a date ‘cause it means people are still trying, you know?

You see a couple on a date, It means there’s still courage out there.

That takes courage, to go on a date, for both sides, Two very different kinds of courage.

The male courage, traditionally speaking, Is that he decided to ask.

He went up to a random woman who he has no idea If she’s gonna like him or not And he walked up to her terrified.

Everything in your body is telling you, don’t do this!”

But he walked up and said, “hi. Yes,”

And she’s like, “ehh!”

“no, no, no. A second. Give me a second,”

And you try to get through this membrane of, you know And then, if it works And you say,

“you wanna go out sometime?”

Sometimes she’ll say yes, and if she says yes, That’s her courage, and the courage it takes For a woman to say yes is beyond anything I can imagine.

A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane And ill-advised, and the whole species’ existence Counts on them doing it, and I don’t know how they how do women still go out with guys when you consider the fact That there is no greater threat to women than men?

We’re the number-one threat to women.

Globally and historically, we’re the number-one cause Of injury and mayhem to women.

We’re the worst thing that ever happens to them.

That’s true.

You know what our number-one threat is?

Heart disease.

That’s the whole thing.

That’s it, just our own heart going, “dude, I can’t “you can’t keep doing this.

I told you three strokes ago that this is not smart,”

But women still–

“yeah. I’ll go out with you alone at night”.

What are you, nuts?

“I’ll get in your car with you with my little shoulders.

Hi. Where are we going?”

“to your death, statistically”.

How do they still do it?

If you’re a guy, try to imagine that you could only date A half-bear, half-lion, And you’re like,

“oh, I hope this one’s nice.

I hope he doesn’t do what he’s going to do”.