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The Elderly - Part 2

دوره: Mastering ielts writing task 2 band 9 model answers / فصل: Discussion Essays / درس 4

The Elderly - Part 2

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Just like in the previous essay and like in any discussion essay really you’re going to have two three paragraphs which contrast with one another. And that means that when you open your second body paragraph you can use an expression that helps to highlight that sense of contrast last time if you remember we used Nevertheless this time to use. However I would suggest just using one that ideally you haven’t used before or won’t use later in your essay. So however the only time it appears in this essay so it’s ok however care homes. So that’s what we’re focused on here. The problems of care homes care homes for the elderly. Similar to last time. Also present some disadvantages. How However using that term again. However last time we ended the sentence here this time we’re going to use it comma and we’re going to introduce the first disadvantage. And we’re going to introduce it with a nice turn of phrase. The most obvious of which is the most obvious of which is this is a really nice way of switching from talking about disadvantages advantages problems benefits all together as a group and then moving into looking at one individually and you can change the superlative here to whatever you want it might be depending on what you’re talking about whether it’s advantages or disadvantages problems causes whatever you could be something like the most important of which is the most significant of which is the biggest of which is the clearest of which is whatever you think is most appropriate. I’m writing most obvious of which here because the disadvantage to me seems very obvious is the first one that came to mind and it came in a snap second split second. So we’ll say present some disadvantages. The most obvious of which is and then just like in the plan the lack of loved ones around noticed that I’ve dropped out the definite article in the plan but I’ve made sure to include it in the essay itself. When you have a noun of noun ones the noun here most of the time. This will be that first now will be preceded by a definite article not all the time. I recommend watching the lecture on articles on simple sentences and on articles in the task to course if you are a little bit confused around this kind of language. But we’ll move on for now. And we’re moving onto that support sentence. And as I said earlier I want this support sentence to show and demonstrate my ability to write complex sentences a complex sentence. As we looked to the conclusion of the previous essay that will be a case of using a subordinating conjunction like although while whereas that sort of thing to introduce a dependent clause and the dependent clause which contains information about visits so let’s say something like although it is possible for friends and relatives as well to visit nursing home residents so instead of saying old people or their relatives in a nursing home residents. So we’re not saying that they can’t be around we think they can be. So there’s that contrast that’s why we’re introducing it this way. Now we’ve ended that dependent clause. We had a comma. Now we need the independent clause for the sentence to be complete and the independent clause will look like this. These visits as in we turned the verb now into a noun a nice way of showing word formation in the. These visits can be OK. What is the prefix that we put in front of frequent to make it not frequent. Is it an on is in in it and in Happily it’s only me it’s an infrequent these visits can be infrequent. Other come here and loneliness just like in the plan here. Loneliness is often the what’s the word for a negative results. The consequence is often the consequence. So in a way we’ve combined a support sentence and a reasonable sentence together. However we’re putting another result on top of that and a nice way of introducing this follow up sentence is to make a clear reference to the previous sentence. And this is what I’m going to write. To make matters worse which which is an expression which indicates that we have acknowledged that there is already a problem. But here we are showing how the problem is even worse than we first thought. So we have a problem here is how the problem is even worse. To make matters worse. To make matters worse. A nice expression for when you’re looking at a very negative paragraph. So to make matters worse and a nice phrase you can use whenever you want to suggest that you know tests have been done and research has been completed. You say it has been shown that it has been shown that you can see a risk of depression weak immune system. So those who are lonely rather than saying loneliness leads to loneliness here say those who are lonely those who are lonely are at greater risk of say becoming depressed and now I can’t really say we can it because if we say the Our greatest risk of weakening their immune system it may sound like it’s them doing it intentionally so we don’t really want to use weakening here to try to make it in the passive in a way so having There there at greater risk of having their immune system weakened. So turn it into that passive voice then to make matters worse it has been shown that those who are lonely are at greater risk of becoming depressed and having their immune system weakened. OK. We can in that sentence their lovely grandma that we’ve used as well showing a mixture of active and passive voice. And now we can move in to the second disadvantage. And this time we’re just going to go with a simpler case advice of this guy with further more. So Furthermore what have we got here. Surrounded by illness so care home. We talked about nursing home residents with not a care home residents are often surrounded just like in the plan helps to speed me up. Surrounded by illness and I also said death earlier as well quite a morbid situation but it’s what we have to write about. Her care home residents are often surrounded by illness and death and that results in was the result of that so we can use as a result we could use as a result. But I’m going to be a little bit more original I suppose in this sense it’s not rely too much on cohesive devices you can overuse copies a device that is in the band descriptors that over use is a things that don’t just wrote to me all the time. This time we’re going to go with search and environments or referencing the environments the surroundings such an environment is likely to not definitely but is likely to decrease. Here’s a nice synonym could tail could tail. Now it’s not a direct synonym of decrease but it does have this idea of reducing something to reduce or to restrict it to deprive in a way somebody or something. So it’s close enough and is certainly appropriate. Here is likely to curtail happiness. And I used the verb earlier trigger which is very useful for depression which about triggering depression. And there is a nice collocation here severe severe we talk about severe depression very serious as in other words serious depression. So very strong. So trigger severe depression. OK so we’re showing our understanding collocation throughout not a very nice paragraph to write though. OK. So we have a word count of 232 words we really only need to write 18 and then we get the minimum requirement so no struggles there. We will wrap this up in the usual way. Very similar to the essay before if you can recall what we did before we started as always with any conclusion and a comma. And then last time we used all those to create the complex sentence. But this time I’ve already used although so maybe I can use something else instead I could use while I could use whereas they used in quite similar ways structurally to all though. But I’m going to try something a little bit trickier here. I’m going to use despite. So despite it’s a little bit harder because you can’t follow it in this simple subject verb kind of way. There has to be a noun after despite also being very careful here do not make the mistake that a lot of people make of writing despite of the benefits despite of it’s not despite of it’s in spite of. So in spite of or despite they mean the same thing. But make sure you don’t confuse the two and try to mix them together. So despite the benefits of. And now we just summarize the benefits that we talked about MBP won. So despite the benefits of we’ve got professionally trained staff we’ve got facilities. Let’s go with both of those things here. So specially trained staff and a nice word formation double hit is nice to add verb and adjective combined with a hyphen. On both cases specially trained well equipped especially trained staff and well equipped. The cities that nursing homes offer the elderly. OK now we’ve reached the end of that dependent clause. Despite the benefits of specially trained staff and well-equipped facilities nursing homes can offer the elderly comma. Notice how it’s different. We wouldn’t say at all though the benefits of specially trained staff if we were to use although the benefits of specially trained staff and well equipped cities all of this would be one subject. So although Plus the subject then you’d have to carry on the sentence with the spites. It’s almost like you’re moving straight into an object you just completing the thought. So despite the benefits here then calmer you move on to the second clause. The independent clause now the drawbacks of very similar so the benefits of the drawbacks of summerize again loneliness. It’s quite hard to paraphrase that reviews lonely and then loneliness or just use it again loneliness here. The drawbacks of loneliness and and depression and he’s a really nice adjective that you can use when you want to say that two things very very often almost all the time go together. It’s not always going to be the case that loneliness will go depression because it’s so frequent. We can use this adjective here. It’s concomitant depression. So when we use this we are trying to suggest that they go together almost always together. So loneliness and its concomitant depression should also. Just like last time where we said it is important to consider this time we are saying the drawbacks should be considered. It is important to consider this this is important to consider. You’re just changing the structure really should also be. Instead of saying consider Tuesday taken into consideration. So you get a nice passive voice ending the conclusion as well. Again improving the grammatical range. OK. I think that looks pretty good. Let’s just check on the word count here. We have 266 words again a really nice count. We’ve really loaded up those body paragraphs and nice and full Thara. We haven’t spent too much time on the introduction or the conclusion. So I think we’ve timed this one very very well. That should leave us with time to go back and check for errors. But I’m pretty confident there are none here. Please always let me know if I have made an error when going through these. It’s important for me to know it’s usually a case of just a lapse in concentration. But it’s important for me to know so to point them out. If you see any We think you see any. OK. So that brings us to a close on the discussion essays. Really simple structures intro advantages disadvantages conclusion do make sure you try and referred to all of the key words you make references to them within your response. Make sure you develop your ideas beyond a single sentence support example Rizo alternative that kind of stuff. Make sure you look at numerous advantages and disadvantages to each paragraph and make sure that conclusion also summarizes the main content which you have written about in your essay. Good luck with the vocabulary exercise which will follow this essay here. And when I see you back here again we’ll be taking a look at a different question type.

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