Community Service - Part 2دوره: Mastering ielts writing task 2 band 9 model answers / فصل: Opinion Essays / درس 4
Community Service - Part 2
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We’re going to move into the first paragraph now. So we’re going to have to refer back to our plan first paragraph looking at the benefits of community service. I’m not going to over think the introduction to this paragraph. I’ve titled this for myself. Benefits of community service that immediately brings up in my mind the expression one of what else. It doesn’t even need to be a list. In this paragraph we’re just saying is one of them. One of the benefits to going to write darrian not because it’s just adding one. Though we should probably justify that by bringing in a nice superlative and the most significant one of the most significant is shouting at the screen right now that’s good. OK that part should be obvious at this point. You know in your development if you’ve taken the time to cause this should be coming quite naturally to you. Paraphrasing what you’ve got before to everybody who’s been shouting at the screen. Fantastic. I really want to hear you shouting at the screen because it’s something wrong isn’t that for those who aren’t sharing the screen have a look a look back through that sentence. What is that grammar mistake that I have made. One of the most significant benefits of community service. So we’re missing a plural. Is that missing plural right here. One of the most significant benefits. The reason that I’ve made that mistake on purpose is to highlight this particular issue because so many students high level students students that don’t usually make that mistake. They still in the exams sometimes make a mistake it seems to be one of those ones so really stubborn one takes a long time to really solidify in your mind that it shouldn’t be there or that it’s English and that it should be so when you’re opening your body paragraph and if you are choosing to write that expression. Remember one of pleural one of pleural one of pleural OK has to be a plural. So let’s continue with this sentence and say look we have our topic sentence I Id prepare students work. OK. She’s a bit of referencing here. We’re talking about community service we can see as a kind of work. So this work. Such work however you want to put in such work. We use our plan to help speed up here prepares prepare students for not I don’t really want to say work. Again that’s a bit of a problem but remember how I was wording this earlier. I was talking about the world the outside world. We could probably bring in that word world of this doesn’t quite work. The world side doesn’t quite work but we can say the world outside of education. The world outside education the outside world is also a nice expression but it doesn’t bring in that idea of leaving education get bring in the high school aspect. So one of the most significant benefits of community service for high school students is that such work prepare students for the world outside of education. If you’re considering how you might avoid the repetition of students well of course we could turn to our old friend referencing and we could use an object pronoun here. OK let’s move on to the support sentence. Fortunately I’ve kind of prepared myself with that transition. I know that I’m writing this is important because I don’t have to ever think I just have to think about answering that question. Why is it important. Well it’s important because as I said we’re not going to use a conditional we’re going to use a relative clause. Students aren’t defining what it of course no comma. Students who have no awareness or what again we use that word world in a different collocation of what the working world is like may be oh well overwhelming to look right to you. It’s in my plan must be right where I maybe not word formation. Very very important. People often get confused between experience describing an experience and describing a feeling experience usually finishes. I N G This is boring. It’s exciting. This film is terrifying feeling. Usually e d. I’m so bored. I’m so excited for my holiday. I’m terrified of the dark whatever. OK. So instead of what how they all tell they feel is that states OK when what happens when is a nice expression when it finally comes around when something happens that we’ve been waiting for. What has been delayed and the hit just refers to the working world relatively clearly. So we don’t have to be too explicit with the referencing that this is important because students who have no awareness of what the working world is like may be overwhelmed when it finally comes around. Example. I think for instance first thing that comes to mind. We use it again. Another relative close as students who are moving from the plural to the singular to create this idea of a collective and then an individual a student who has experience and by the way when you are using examples examples are much better when you look at them from an individual perspective. Support sentences are OK to use the plural but I think examples are very very powerful when you can imagine a specific person one individual person in your mind. That’s why I’ve moved to the sink that a student who has experience of caring for the aged Remember you’re looking at a section of society we say the the elderly the age it the poor the rich the middle class etc. and we want a reference that this is a typical community service task so it’s like that. So a student who has experience of caring for the Aged a typical community service task we can use cobblers or who are Daffy’s here fine and we want a switch here between the present and a future just to demonstrate to the examiner that we can do this. How do you can in the future. We don’t want to generalize how you can in the future that will and we need to be able to will be able to adapt to the needs of synonym of aged elderly. We’re able to see that any develop. Now let’s imagine that that person is working in the future that child this high school student has taken on a job. What kind of job are they likely to have particularly as their first job. Probably going to be in retail or some sort of service job. So I could be working with people. What do you call somebody that you serve in a shop. You are a customer. And now we’re moving into a greater vocabulary based on work. OK. So we’ll be able to adapt to the needs of elderly customers in a working role now. I mean it improves is just a touch. I want to share my comparative grammar back what more more people whether we need a comparison to compare with. We need the other side the more able than more able to adapt to the situation than Remember the beginning. A student who has this will be more able than a student who hasn’t got it quite simply. So did a look at the negative. We could actually just one who does not use it does not have it but we don’t need to repeat that that people often mis use the referencing form of one. And it is quite tricky but you can most of the time use it when you are speaking about people particularly people without saying you know a name or a doctor or a student or an engineer you know title to them like that. You can usually use them in those cases. OK now we’re in our final sentence we’re looking at a result we can wear as a result in this case we can use us but we can’t always it’s not a direct synonym it’s often not appropriate for a result sentence. But here when we come to a logical conclusion we can use that. We’re not looking at a result. From a practical sense but we’re looking at a logical conclusion to our argument and we can use this. So what is it about community like community service community work. They both work as synonyms of each other community work can give students confidence is fine isn’t it. Again let’s use a comparative more confidence. OK we don’t need to write that in people who don’t have to use the service because again it’s implied that we’re comparing them to this previous group of people. So this community work can give students more confidence about life after education. Now the word simply get a quick check on the work at so far 143 double that we’re at 286. Maybe a little on the long side. I think that’s absolutely fine. You’re not miles over so so far so good second body Barcroft are often subject to plan. We’re looking out why it shouldn’t be compulsory. So for me this contrasts with the first paragraph like yes yes yes. All awesome. But hold on hold on. So we may want to start with. Having said that nevertheless or however so we’ve used it however above. So let’s use it. Nevertheless in this case. Nevertheless comma schools are devised to get us started. And as I said here fight to get. Don’t ever think it simply. It is vital to given the choice. Would be a bit more precise with your vocabulary. That’s this service the the collocation him the sole choice the sole choice one person chooses the sole choice of the student using a definite article. Are you really clarifying the point that it is one student who’s making one choice very specific. So is the sole choice of the student. Why. Why is making. You don’t need a comma there as making such tasks use mandatory compulsory and making such tasks compulsory. Now as I said a little bit simplistic a little bit informal maybe even fine to you. Don’t worry about using your exam but we can do better. Here is a great collocation. In this case may breed resentment. Basically may make someone slowly hate something by reading of resentment may breed resentment towards the work can definitely go here because we know the work that’s being discussed this community service. So it is vital that the service be the sole choice of the student making such chores compulsory may breed resentment towards the work. Why. Well the reason for this is that again don’t ever think we are naturally averse. People are naturally averse. You might argue that this is a generalization I would disagree. I’d say it is generally quite true I don’t know anybody that enjoys being forced to do things you want to be on the safe side and that often people are often naturally averse to doing anything. I’m just thinking of my head here not using anything too advanced doing anything which is forced upon them. Like I said a nicer word would be imposed and I’m writing seems because it’s not always that it’s the case that something is false. It certainly seems that way seems imposed upon. Now have a look at your key words. Something really hasn’t been explored much. It’s because it’s not and doesn’t need lots of exploration that should be mentioned every now and again. And that’s the word unpaid. OK who is the less terrible if something is imposed imposed upon you. If at least you getting paid with not even getting paid. Especially terrible. So notice that what Especially pay. We could write pay so only that we could write salary maybe maybe salaries a bit too much Catholic yearly when you get a proper job without a wage perhaps getting it right without reward. This is a nice expression without reward. OK now we are looking at are as the result is a good result no bad result bad result. We have to start with the consequences as a consequence will consequently consequently poor quality affect students and communication poor quality to me seems like something at the end of the sentence or in any of the construction. So the object subject is going to be about the resentment this resentment. We’ve already mentioned it once so we can say this this resentment the specific resentment towards the work may certainly may lead to poor quality work and we see that affect students and communities. We can’t go straight into so comment when we use a comma followed by a verb. What do we need. What form should it be should be in our energy for affecting both MMBtu do it the other way. No I’m going to keep it this way. I think both the students and the community itself this just helps to further highlight that the community is also being affected here. In fact arguably a little bit of an imprecise verb because it can be neutral can be positive can be negative. Let’s just make it a little bit more precise. Precision of vocabulary by adding other negatively affecting both the student and the community itself moving into a final sentence here. Remember that these two parts here they make up one sentence by way of a conditional. We have an alternative. How do we start an alternative. We can use in contrast we can use converse. To me converse looks a little bit too similar to Consequently so many using contrast can come. They’re always important don’t forget those comments. Many people do you know we’re in a conditional immediately making very clear we’re going to write this student you are a student. I want to make it clear that we’re really focusing on this particular student here. If the student chooses to do the service simple it’s OK to do community service for no pay. The important part here is the word uses. So we do have a few expressions or few times where we use the word choose. So what’s a synonym. Anybody decide things. Things like that can make some difference if a student decides to do community service for no pay. End of the first clause moving to the second this this deciding to do community service is more likely it’s not definite this will is more likely to produce job satisfaction. Look I think we do better could you feelings of where does job satisfaction comes from and where does it come from if it comes from us feeling good about ourselves that we value ourselves we value the work that we do in a world of self-worth self-worth feelings of self-worth. But let’s bring in that satisfaction as well. This in itself contributes to better work. Maybe I’m being a bit overkill here wrapping up the word count on necessarily Kushi to do that. So I’d really like it when I fully develop an idea and I try and leave it so that there are no holes or any dead links weak links inside the paragraph. Let’s finish up the conclusion then I think as usual I’m going to do this pretty much every essay. In conclusion. Nothing wrong with that. In conclusion straight into a complex sentence and choose the subordinate to conduction Although make sure you use some contrast take begin to contrast the first paragraph summary with the second paragraph by paragraph summary. Although offering high school students paid community service. Not to worry about paraphrasing here I haven’t actually written that once yet. Community service pay to community service may help them move into the world outside of work. Good word comes up a lot in all lectures transition moving from one idea to the next moving from one stage of life into the next transition into another word for the working world. Not necessarily a synonym but certainly appropriate and a world not a word. Comma. Finish that idea finished I close Swedens the next. Where are we giving the remainder of our opinion. I believe such work graph referencing as such should not be a compulsory mandatory necessary. Good tip to remember when you write unnecessary people misspell it. One call two sleeves of a shirt one color two sleeves one see two is not a necessary component of their programs. Why. I mean arguably you can say that’s good enough. That’s fine. I really think that in your summary your conclusion you really should be summarizing the main ideas in your body not just your view but your main arguments for your view as well as another similar expression to breed resentment foster resentment and abuse resentment negativity and similar fostered negativity towards tusks and voila. We finished work out to a 5 0. It’s not because I bring up to 7 7 but it’s not too far over. So we’re almost within that 10 percent increase. OK that was an opinion task where we had almost like a two part opinion. Hopefully that was useful. I’ll see you in the next election.
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