Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

Oh, careful, Homer

There’s no time to be careful, we’re late

Sorry, excuse me, pardon me, sorry

Hey Norman, how is it going

So you got dragged out here too, huh

How are you doing, Fred

Yeah Excuse me

Oops, pardon my galoshes

Wasn’t that wonderful

And now, the Santa’s of many lands, as presented by the entire second grade class

Oh, Lisa’s class

Frohlich Weihnachten That’s German for Merry Christmas In Germany Santa servant Bruprecht gives presents to good children and whipping rods to the parents of bad ones

Merry Kurisumasu I am Hotiashi a Japanese priest who acts like Santa Clause I have eyes in the back of my head so children better behave when I’m nearby

Now presenting Lisa Simpson as Towanga, the Santa Clause of the South Seas

Oh it’s Lisa That’s ours

Ah, the fourth grade will now favor us with a melody er medley of Holiday favorites

Isn’t Bart sweet, Homer He sings like an angel

The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene form Charles uh Dickens’ A Christmas Carol

Oh, How many grades does this school have

“Dear friends of the Simpson family We had some sadness and some gladness this year

First, the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven

But we bought a new little cat Snowball II, so I guess life goes on

Speaking of live going on, Grandpa is still with us, feisty as ever Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A’s, and Bart well, we love Bart

The magic of the season has touched us all”

Marge Haven’t you finished that stupid letter yet

“Homer sends his love Happy Holidays”

Marge Where’s the extension cord

For heaven sakes, Homer, its in the utility drawer

Sorry I’m just a big kid I love Christmas so much

All right, children, let me have those letters I’ll send them to Santa’s workshop at the North Pole

Oh please, there’s only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain’t Santa

A Pony

Oh Lisa, you have asked for that for the past three years, and I keep telling you that Santa cant fit a pony in his sleigh

Cant you take a hint

But I really want a pony and I have been really really good this year

Oh, dear Maybe Bart is a little more realistic A tattoo

A what

Yeah, they’re cool, and they last for the rest of your life

You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas

Yeah, if you want one, you’ll have to pay for it out of your own allowance

All right

Homer

Hello

Marge please

Who is this

May I please speak to Marge

This is her sister isn’t it

Is Marge there

Who shall I say is calling

Marge please

It’s your sister

Oh, hello

Hello Marge, its Patty

Selma and I couldn’t be more excited about seeing our baby sister for Christmas Eve

Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit too

Somehow I doubt that Homer is excited Of all the men you could have married, I don’t know why you picked one who is always so rude to

Okay kids prepare to be dazzled Marge, turn on the juice What do you think kids

Nice try, Dad

Hey, Simpson

What is it, Flanders

Do you think this looks okay

Its too bright Flanders, what a big show off

Kids, do you want to go Christmas shopping

I do

All right, the mall

Go get your money

Tell us, Marge, where have you been hiding the Christmas money

Oh, I have my secrets Turn around You can look now

Oh, big jar this year

Oh, Bart that’s so sweet Its the best present a mother could get, and it makes you look so dangerous

One “Mother” please

Wait a minute

How old are you

Twenty one, sir

Get in the chair

Attention all personnel

Please keep working during the following announcement

And now, our boss and friend, Mr Burns

Hello I’m proud to announce that we’ve been able to increase safety here at the power plant without increasing the cost to the consumer or affecting management pay raises

However, for you semiskilled workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses

Oh, and one more thing Merry Christmas

Oh, thank god for the big jar

Where’s that Bart

but Mom, I thought you would like it

Yes, Mrs Simpson, we can remove your sons tattoo Its a simple routine involving lasers

Cool

However, it is expensive we must insist on a cash payment up front

Cash

Thank god for Homers Christmas bonus

Aye Carumba

Now, what ever you do boy, don’t squirm

You don’t want this sucker near your eye or your groin

Ow Quit it Ow Quit it Ow Quit it Ow Quit it

Hey, what’s this

Ow Quit it It used to be a real boss tattoo

But Mom had to spend all the Christmas money to have it surgically removed

Oh, its true

The jar is empty

Oh my god, we’re ruined

Christmas is canceled, no presents for anyone

Don’t worry Homer we’ll just have to stretch your Christmas bonus even farther this year

Homer

Oh, yeah my Christmas bonus

Hee hee how silly of me

This will be best Christmas yet

The best any family ever had

I get the feeling there’s something you haven’t told me Homer

Huh Oh, I love you Marge

Oh, you tell me that all the time

Good, because I do love you I don’t deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit card that wont set off that horrible beeping

Well, I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus I keep asking for it, but

Marge, let me be honest with you

Yes

Well I I want to do the Christmas shopping this year

Well, sure, okay

Marge, Marge, mmm, lets see

oh, look Pantyhose Practical and alluring A six pack, oh, only 499

Ooh, pads of paper I bet Bart could think of a million things to do with these

That just leaves little Maggie

oh look, a little squeak toy It says its for dogs, but she cant read

Oh, ho ho Simpson, its you

Hello Flanders

Oh my, what a little mess we’ve got here Well, which ones are yours and which ones are mine

Well, lets see

Well this one’s mine, and this one’s mine This ones mine, and

They’re all yours

Hey, Mr Simpson You dropped your pork chop

Gimme that

Well, happy holidays Simpson

Gee Dad, this is going to be the best Christmas ever

You bet

What’s the matter, Homer

Did someone leave a lump of coal in your stocking

You’ve been sitting there sucking on a beer all day long

So

So, its Christmas

Thanks Moe

Drinks all around

What’s with the crazy get up, Barn

I got me a part time job working as a Santa down at the mall

Wow, can I do that

I dunno, they’re pretty selective

Do you like children

What do you mean, all the time

Even when they’re nuts Uh, I certainly do

Welcome aboard, Simpson

Pending your completion of our training program that is

What is it now, Simpson

Uh, when do we get paid

Not a dime till Christmas Eve Now, from the top

Um, Dasher Dancer

Prancer

Nixon Comet Cupid Donna Dixon

Sit down, Simpson

And what would you like, little boy

You’re not really Santa, tubby

Why you little

Hey No Homer, if such an emergency arises just tell them

Santa is very busy this time of year, and you’re one of his helpers

D’oh, I knew that one too

Homer, why are you 7 hours late

Not a word Marge, I’m heading straight for the tub

But Homer, my sisters are here, don’t you want to say hello

Daddy, Daddy

Welcome home

Where so glad to see you

why Oh yeah Hello Patty, hello Selma, how was your trip

Fine

You both look well

Thank you

Yeah, well, Merry Christmas

It’s Christmas You wouldn’t know it around here

And why is that

Well, for one thing there’s no tree

Well I was just on my way out to get one

Can we go too, Dad

Yeah, can we

No

Hey you What do you think you’re doing

Hey Hey Come back here

So, what do you think, kids Beauty, isn’t it

Way to go, Dad

Why is there a birdhouse in it

Oh, that’s an ornament

Do I smell gun powder

And then I want some Robotoids, and then I want a gook monster, and I want I great big

Ah son, you don’t need all that junk

I’m sure you already got something much more important

a decent home, and a loving father that would do anything for you

Hey, I cant afford lunch, give me a bite of that donut

Get a load at that quote unquote Santa

I cant believe those kids are falling for it

Hey Milhouse, I dare you to sit on his lap

Oh yeah Well I dare you to yank his beard off

I hope you feel better, Santa

Oh, I will when Mrs Clause’s sisters get out of town

Thanks for listening kid

Hey Santa, what’s shakin’ man

What’s your name Bart

ner uh, little partner

I’m Bart Simpson, who the hell are you

I’m jolly old Saint Nick

Oh yeah, we’ll just see about that

Homer

I want a word with you in Santa’s Workshop little boy Cover for me Alphy

Don’t kill me Dad, I didn’t know it was you

Nobody knows Its a secret

I didn’t get my bonus this year but to keep the family from missing out on Christmas I’d do anything

I’ll say You must really love us to sink so low

Well lets not get mushy son, I still have a job to do

Hey hey Santa’s back

Ho ho D’oh Dammit

Ah, son, one day you’re going to learn the satisfaction of payday receiving a big fat check for a job well done

Simpson, Homer Here you go

Come on son lets go cash this baby and get presents for

aah Thirteen bucks

Hey wait a minute

That’s right $120 gross, less Social Security

Less unemployment insurance

Less Santa training

Santa training

Less costume purchase

Less beard rental

Less Christmas club

But

See you next year

Come on dad lets go home

Thirteen bucks

You can’t get anything for thirteen bucks

All right, thirteen big ones Springfield Downs, here I come

What

You heard me, I’m going to the dog track I got a hot little puppy in the fourth race

Want to come

Sorry Barney, I may be a total wash out of a father but I’m not going to take my kid to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve

Come on Simpson, the dogs name is Whirlwind Ten to one shot Money in the bank

Aw, come on Dad

This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons’ Christmas

If TV has taught me anything, its that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas

It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it going to happen to us

Well, okay lets go

Who’s Tiny Tim

Oh no

Oh Brother

Where’s your husband

Yeah, its getting late

Well, he said he went caroling with Bart

We’re in the money

We’re in the money

I can’t believe I’m doing this

Can we open our presents now, Dad

You know the tradition, son, not till the eighth race

Hey Barney, which one is Whirlwind

Number six That’s our lucky dog right over there He won he last five races

What, that scrawny little bag of bones

Come on Dad, they’re all scrawny little bags of bones

Yeah, you’re right I guess Whirlwind is our only hope for a Merry Christmas

Attention racing fans, we have a late scratch in the fourth race

Number eight Sir Galahad will be replaced by Santa’s Little Helper

once again Sir Galahad has been replaced by Santa’s Little Helper

Bart did you here that What a name Santa’s Little Helper It’s a sign It’s an omen

It’s a coincidence, Dad

What are the odds on Santa’s Little Helper

Ninety nine to to one

Wow Ninety nine times thirteen equals Merry Christmas

I got a bad feeling about this

Don’t you believe in me son

Come on boy, sometimes your face is all that keep me going

Oh go for it, Dad

That’s my boy Everything on Santa’s little Helper

Unadulterated pap

It’s almost nine o’clock

Where is Homer anyway

It’s typical of the big doofus to spoil it all

What Aunt Patty

Oh nothing, dear I’m just trashing your father

Well, I wish that you wouldn’t

Because aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he’s the only father I have

Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships

So I hope you beer in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am far to young to cartoon myself against such onslaughts

Mmmhmm Go watch your cartoon show, dear

Come on Bart, kiss the ticket for good luck

Not that we need it

Here comes Shirley the mechanical rabbit And they’re off

Around the first turn, it’s Whirlwind in the lead, and coming up on the left is Quadruped followed by Dog of War and Fido

Dog of War coming up fast on the outside And in last place is Santa’s Little Helper

Don’t worry Dad Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens

Come on you stupid dog

Come on boy

Whirlwind wins by a country mile followed by Dog of War

It doesn’t seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me

I don’t want leave till I dog finishes Ah forget it, lets go

Find any winners son

Sorry, Dad

Hey Simpson, what did I tell you Whirlwind Lets go Daria

Beat it Scram, get lost You came in last for the last time

Look Dad, its Santa’s Little Helper

And don’t come back

Oh no you don’t

No, no, get away from me Uhuh

Oh, can we keep him dad please

But he’s a loser

He’s pathetic

He’s a Simpson

Mmm maybe we should call the police

He’ll sober up

Yeah, come staggering home

Uhhuh Smelling like cheap perfume

Homer

What Wha

Look everybody, I have a confession to make

This should be good

I didn’t get my Christmas bonus I tried to not let it ruin Christmas for everybody, but no matter what I did

Hey everybody, look what we got

A dog All right dad

God bless him

So love at first sight is possible

And if he runs away he’ll be easy to catch

This is the best gift of all, Homer

It is

Yes, something to share our love And frighten prowlers

What’s he’s name

Number 8 I mean, Santa’s Little Helper