Life Expectancy - Part 2دوره: Mastering ielts writing task 2 band 9 model answers / فصل: Situation Essays / درس 4
Life Expectancy - Part 2
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Let’s move into the body right. Looking at the first paragraph and we know that we have a separate theme with misspelt individuals that just change in Virgil’s individuals. Let’s start by looking at individuals we want to make it very clear what the theme is immediately as soon as possible. You want to create that Cluley the central theme and that clarity is partly due to how early we present the thing we can do that particularly in problem and solution essays with language like this with regards to regarding In regards to Extra. Do be careful. Never. Regarding to all regarding it. If you use regarding just use regarding Plus the noun there is no preposition there. We only use the preposition when we stop with the preposition with or in. So with regards to come straight to it. Individuals. Fortunately I didn’t use that word introduction so it isn’t a repetition comma very important. It’s it’s a very very important to add these are cohesive devices. So with regards to individuals that I always recommend using this kind of language when you are writing a problem in solutionis. Don’t overthink it. This will help to give you a bit of speed. One of the issues one of the problems one of the dangers one of the risks one of the whatever it is and then you might use a superlative like one of the most significant in this case one of the main one of the main issues is likely to be. Definitely remember we’re going to avoid that generalization is likely to be the cost of living. We want to be a little bit higher. Sorry. I’ve given away the word if you want to be a bit more specific we can add the word higher the higher cost of living. Again you’ve got a complication high cost not big cost but high cost. Why would that happen again. Keep it simple. This is because this is because. OK. I’m going to use kind of a complex sentence here as something happens something else happens. That’s the really the idea here isn’t it. It’s about here’s something happening and here’s the problem here’s the result. Something happens something else happens as a result. That language is very good for when it comes to problem and solution as in this case as a greater number of people live out. This is a nice phrasal verb form we talking about the extension of life. So we’re living out our lives doing something. Has that idea about it live out more of their lives in retirement. No just these propositions here as well in retirement. And he’s that common because it’s that complex sense is that as something happens something else happens as great a number of people leave out more of their lives in retirement they may. Another very important phrasal verb here run out of run out of. So it goes away. We no longer have it over a period of time. It starts to disappear. For whatever reason because we spend it we run out of run out of money in there. And here’s a nice little compound on pension pots. It’s a little bit informal I suppose you could say pensions as well. The pension pot is an expression that we use in our pension pots and. OK. I mean we use a very important expression here which is thus I use quite a lot I think it really helps to improve the academic sound of an essay. It looks at the results of a course. So we’ve got the cause and effect. Cause and result. So the results of running out of money is that we have to depend or rely on our families and our families because I’ve said people so again make sure you get the correct possessive pronoun their their families for what. For money. Yeah we could say that. What’s another word for money. Think about a word meaning with F it’s related to money. Finance with the adjective financial financial what works and that’s collocation support. So as a great number of people who live out more their lives in retirement they may run out of money in their pension pots and thus have to depend on their fine families for financial support. Notice what happens when I just write that without you this is because now this suddenly becomes a sentence that can exist independently of the previous sentence doesn’t need context around it. You could actually just say to someone in the course of conversation. But if I say this is because becomes dependent on the previous sentence. So there’s a much tighter link in terms of cohesion. This is why this kind of language is so important. It really helps to ease the transition between ideas so don’t rush these transitions. They are important. Right now we’re going to look at an example and as I said we’re going to look at this from the perspective of an individual. We’re going to set up a little story in a sense and we do that as usual starting with for instance can we go back home with her. So for instance a man who starts work at 20 noticed that I’ve got this here in the present simple. We often do this when we’re writing a story without any particular time. It’s not a real story or even like a fictional story in a book where we would often use the past simple but you could actually write this in the past as well it would be OK. But by writing it in the present simple it really kind of helps to suggest that this is always going to be the case. It’s not just a one off. So a man who starts work at 20 he retires at 60 but lives to be 100. And because of these long numbers I don’t recommend writing them out with letters. I sometimes write the letters for like 5 for nine but anything above 10 are usually put the numbers down instead. So to be 100. Here’s a nice switch you know tens will have spent. So we’ve got here the future perfect form. You don’t often see that in an essay is a great opportunity for him as a kid when we’re following on from the present simple form. So a man who start work at 20 retires at 60 but lived to be 100. Wemyss’s if that’s one time frame there and we look back on it all together and we have a will have spent will have spent only what did I say before. Two fifths. That’s right yeah. So when he’s mad sometimes when we’re writing English we’ll spend only two fifths of his life and noticed these fractions. I’m not writing them like two two fifths we wouldn’t do that. We would actually have to write these out. So two fifths of his life working or more specifically according to the problem here. Making money making money. So for instance a man who starts work 20 retires or 60 to be 100 bullets but only two fifths of his life making money. You could actually also say spends only two fifths of his life making money as well. But we can also do this and this helps to demonstrate talk about Gorringe that we’ve finished writing about the problem probably may be gone on a bit too long about that. But I think it’s more important to look at the problems and solutions tend to be a bit easier to explain. So I usually leave those in a shorter section when did it hit and when it comes to introducing solutions. It’s important to have a variety of language that you can use that you can refer to lots of different expressions. We can use dealing with this problem involves to address this issue. The government should the government should address this issue by and bear in mind that you can change government for anybody who should solve the issue. This issue could be solved by addressed by minimized by etc.. One way forward might be to pull this language could be helpful. What I’m going to use this tool to combat the less common expression that does work to combat this problem. Can you want to call ahead to combat this problem. Now I think it’s the government’s responsibility. So it’s going to be when it comes to retirement I’m raising that age. Government should raise the age of the time. Nice and simple don’t do anything too fancy particularly when your paragraph starts to get this long and every once in a while you want to throw in an easier sentence a simpler sentence to help boost the number of error free sentences that you create in order to score bad and Graham. You need to have frequent error free sentences. If you struggle with grammar a bit try to throw in a couple more simple sentences rather than making everything complex but you could write a long complex sentence but if you make one error it’s no longer error free. So try to take advantage of them. OK now what’s the result of this. A nice expression is this. In doing so we do this when we refer to a verb an action taking place. So needs to be needs to have an element of an action like raise. So in doing so people will be. As I said before better prepared financially. I think we can go a bit further here to cover the costs. I was collocation you cover cost to cover the costs of was all living longer or in other words of their extended lives or extended lives. So that’s the end of the paragraph one right. So moving to the second body paragraph now. And of course we’re looking at a plan and we can see that in the second body paragraph we’re focusing on society. So let’s make it very clear that that is the theme of this paragraph with a simple as for. As for works when you are introducing the second paragraph it doesn’t work really when you introduce introducing the first paragraph. So you say with regards to this and then ask for this. So we usually use it later on to ask for societies or society depending on how you want to. I want to think about this as societies the most pressing problem. I’m sure in collocation you can have a pressing problem. The most pressing problem is one of we can see down there we have high unemployment. Most pressing problem is one of unemployment. Now if we just think about our key words again and as I said there’s a particular piece of grammar up there that could influence how we write our essay you can see that blue will coming up. It’s a good thing that we put it in blue so we keep glancing back at it. As for societies the most pressing problem is one of unemployment. Then we can do one or two things so we can either say one of future unemployment or we can say the most pressing problem is likely to be like we have above or will be but will be maybe is a bit too certain. So I think what we say here is is one of the future unemployment. Now this feature also just indicates that we’re still talking about the increasing life expectancy arguably maybe should have in this sentence the most pressing problem which may occur as a result of increasing life expectancy. But the word count is already quite high. And I want to keep it a little bit shorter for now. We’ve got to prioritize. So I think by just writing future unemployment we helped to cover that idea. So let’s move on and we’re looking at the support sentence. Now this is an interesting support sentence because really what we’re doing is we’re referring back to our previous idea. So we’re not really going to use the typical this is because that is that we do something else here and I’m going to use a conditional sentence if so particularly if particularly if particularly if the aforementioned which means what we mentioned before. That’s an adjective by the way. We need a noun is the aforementioned measure. Let’s say it’s a solution or approach of raising as we put it. Raising the retirement age is now what do we do with a measure we implemented. So if it’s implemented Khama complex sentence comes into the first cause more and more people will be in work will be in work. Again we’re looking at the future that will sort the condition was appropriate. So if it is implemented they will be in work first conditional. It’s likely possible probable scenario will be in work and therefore there will be fewer and fewer jobs to go around. No just something here. We’re doing something quite important in terms of style and style does come up under a lexical resource. We’ve got a bit of symmetry. So the second clause you’ve got more more blood now than fewer and fewer plus now. So that can be quite useful to do. Also notice that when we are looking at countable nouns we use fewer when we are looking at uncountable nouns we use less many natives get that wrong. And as a result a lot of non-natives hear that and think it’s correct so do bear in mind fewer for countable nouns less for uncountable nouns. Right. We’re now looking at results it’s quite a negative result. And so consequently the consequence usually has negative connotations. So consequently young people because that’s what we’re focused on in that part of society. I’m not saying one young person or I am person but young people as a group. Young people especially lonely young people older people to young people especially will find it difficult to break into a nice phrasal verb for accessing something that’s quite difficult not just for light robbery thieves and things like that but we also use it for jobs particularly jobs that are hard to get. And that’s why I’m going to write this the desired professions so they may be able to get a job with McDonald’s or you know data entry but if they really want to do something amazing they want to work as an engineer or a doctor might be very difficult for them to do that. So consequently young people especially will find it difficult to break into that is our profession. One little note I want to make here is that you can see I’m using will and will around here but I didn’t suggest doing it at the beginning like it’s likely to and he’s one of the future unemployment. This is because after we’ve suggested an idea which is a bit of a prediction after we’ve done that we can then be a little bit more flexible with how we go about it because we’ve already indicated that it’s not a definite thing but it’s very likely after that we can be a little bit less worried about that cannibalization issue and then we can get into the wheels a bit more. OK. I mean we’re now moving on to the fourth sentence in this paragraph. We’re looking at the solution. Think back to all that solution language I suggested before. I wonder if you can remember any of those expressions. I’m going to use one that begins with a D which is dealing with dealing with a noise and to get us started a phrase over in the jargon for dealing with this issue involves us by doing this issue involves government. So you can see here investing because it have patterned after involves really 90 OK involves investing in new tech knowledge. As I said we’re going to put that in the plural in New technologies. Why. In order to create new fields of work that’s actually kind of looked at the result already it creates new. Well we’ve done new fields of work. Maybe we need to do a bit more just to really cement that link between investment and jobs. So we’ll just say that with new technologies. Don’t worry about the repetition we were referencing it. Sometimes it’s ok. We can even say with these new technologies but really we’re saying any new technologies with new technologies appear. This is a nice nice way to write with something a piece something else don’t often see got bit less common practice. Therefore thus as we’ve already in this paragraph that’s a nice expression here clogging the potential hole you plug a hole and we can talk about hole in employment if there’s a lack of something. We can’t always use this. So in these specific cases we can do it with employment so we can put this here plugging a potential hole in employment and notice here again of its potential because things are definitely going to happen. And we’re also saying it’s not happening now. It suggests the future again. So again that will is really influencing how we write our response. OK. Let’s just get to work out at this point here and you can see probably a little bit on the long side to fall for it more than I usually like particularly with a problem and solution I say because a conclusion can be a little bit longer. There are one or two more things we need to do but it’s ok. Speed’s OK we just need to move a little bit faster in the conclusion don’t rush. But keep that timing in mind right. One way we can beat ourselves up is to not worry whatsoever about the introduction to the conclusion every time. In conclusion in conclusion now this is how I would want to write any problem and solution conclusion. So every problem and solution essay contains two problems. So we’re going to start with two of the most significant perhaps because we’ve already written them to the most significant dangers and that will clarify the things for individuals and societies and then we’ll come back to the overall overarching theme which is life expectancy increasing. So it was a witch a longer lifespan. I was paraphrasing here which a longer lifespan may present. Now what a lot of people do here would write a comma and then they would carry on. This is not where a comma should be. Yes. It’s a very long subject but it’s still a subject and simple sentence rules still apply. Subject plus verb plus object if required. So all is very very long. But it’s still a subject to the most significant changes for individuals and societies with a longer lifespan may present. So we can put it all back if you say that quickly you notice a little bit more maybe that it’s one subject. So so are. And then nice and simple financial troubles for the first paragraph of our summarizing our main idea. Two words financial troubles and another word for unemployment joblessness joblessness. OK. So once you’ve got your subject down there you just got to summarize each paragraph ideally in just two or three words. And if you can manage it in one word OK then the last thing to do is talk about who the responsibility lies with for solving these problems. And then summarize the solutions. So as I said there’s a few more things to do than usual when it comes to a conclusion of an essay like this. So let’s write the book however because although there are significant problems we can solve them so we will not contrast however these problems should be minimized. Above it mitigated up above I’m going to write minimized here should be minimized. If governments were saying Who who should solve the problem. And then we summarize the solutions. So raises the retirement age and spends wisely because I don’t want to write invest again that’s spent wisely in New technologies new markets may roll right here because I did write new technologies twice. I’d like to write and write it again. But there is a danger of three times being one time too many. So let’s just look at that again. In conclusion two of the most significant changes for individuals and societies which a longer lifespan may present financial troubles and joblessness. However these problems should be minimized if government raises the retirement age and spend it wisely in New markets. And there we go. So over work around 2 8 5 10 words over the 10 percent increase. Not too bad. I would say OK I’m going to do one more thing here. I’m just going to move this out of the way. And what I want to do now is to just very briefly consider how I would check this essay now. I didn’t have much time left. Imagine I’ve written 285 words. Maybe I spent a bit too much time in one area or another. Probably what most people do is they spend too much time on the introduction or maybe the first paragraph. By the time they get to the conclusion therefore they’re rushing quite a bit to finish within time. So if I only have one minute left. Ideally we want five minutes I believe I just have one minute left to check my work. The best thing to do is for me to work from the bottom checking the conclusion and maybe the second body paragraph because that’s the area where I would have been rushing and therefore more mistakes to appear. So I’m just going to have a look at the conclusion. So two of the most significant dangers for individuals and societies which a longer lifespan may present. That seems all fine to me. I think maybe if I had a better idea I might be able to paraphrase this a bit more that individuals and societies. I know I’ve written those a couple of times. Not so big a deal. Present a financial trouble or quite like this. We certainly haven’t written this. These problems should be minimized if government raises the retirement age. That’s interesting because I think I’ve written that twice already raises the retirement age I’ve written it here. Raising the retirement age and then I’ve written it up here. Raise the age of retirement to simmer for my liking. Particularly when there’s a really easy way to find a synonym for raises. I’m sure you can already think about the main synonym of raises. And if I could have a quick glance through I don’t think I see it elsewhere in the essay. So with thirty seconds or a minute left I may change that to increases that which is right that all of a sudden I’ve decreased my instances of repetition increase my looks cool resource and maybe that could be the difference between one bad school and another bad school. You never know. So working from the bottom is a good approach to your marking particularly if you don’t have much time left. Right. See you in the next video.
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