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Daddy’s not coming, is he?

Oh, honey, he’ll be here. He promised.

I see cupcakes over there.

I think you should go eat some. Go on.

Go eat a lot of sugar.

Dusty.

Nope.

Come on, Dusty.

Where are you going?

I’d pay a billion dollars to take her to that dance.

You’re just gonna leave?

You take her then.

I can’t take her. Okay?

I’m not welcome after I said I was gonna put a spite baby in her mother.

I guess that’s out, then.

Yeah, that is out.

So it’s gotta be you.

I’m sorry, Brad,

I just can’t do it, all right?

What do you mean, you can’t do it?

I can’t stay inside the cones.

Look, Dusty, the cones are there for everyone’s safety.

It’s not about the cones.

You just said it was.

The cones are a metaphor, Brad.

I’m not the domestic type, okay?

Dusty, come on.

What are you talking about?

You’re organized, you’re handy.

You make the best cinnamon rolls I have ever tasted.

Those were Cinnabons, Brad. Come on.

You can’t make rolls like that in a conventional oven.

I knew it! I knew it.

I knew it from the beginning!

So you’ve been telling some tall tales, huh?

All that Special Ops stuff.

No, just the Cinnabons!

Why would you lie about Cinnabons?

‘Cause I wanted to win. All right?

I wanted to prove that I was a good dad, too, but I’m not.

Okay? Are you happy?

Is that what you want to hear?

All the noise and the mess and all the choices.

You do one thing wrong, you can screw them up for life.

Do you realize that?

Yeah.

Dads have to make a lot of choices, okay?

And we blow most of them.

Yeah, and the other parents.

That kid, Eli. I was over there for a play date. You know about this?

You can’t just ride your bike over to a friend’s house, to play Hot Wheels anymore, now you got to make some kind of date?

I know, it’s a shame.

Well, I’m over there, and the kid’s dad keeps asking me if Dylan’s gonna be in the gifted program with Eli.

Like Dylan isn’t as smart as his little ball-scratcher kid.

I wanted to murder that smug prick.

Dusty, look, I hate that guy, too, okay?

But his son is Dylan’s best friend, so you suck it up.

I mean, that’s most of what dads do, is take sh@t.

I mean, that’s what we do.

I can’t do it, Brad.

I can’t take sh@t like you do.

You take sh@t better than anyone I’ve ever met,

and I mean that as a compliment from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you.

But I’m sorry, Brad. I can’t.

I can’t do it, man.

You made a promise to Megan, and you’re gonna keep it.

Did you just punch me in the face, Brad?

Ow, yes.

Knowing full well I got no choice but to bust you up now?

I really wish you wouldn’t.

If I did, you’d take that beatdown for those kids, wouldn’t you?

Yeah. Yeah, I would.

Come on.

Good luck, Dusty.

What? No, no, you gotta come.

It’s just. I can’t see Sara after what I said.

Sara loves you, Brad. All right?

I know just what to say to her.

You just stand there

and look lost without her.

I am lost without her.

Well, that’s good. Then let’s go.

But I look terrible.

Yeah, you do. Come here.

What are you doing?

I’m fixing you up, man.

Dusty, get your hands out of my pants.

Calm down. Think I want to touch your little dinky?

I’m trying to fix you up.

All right. Let me see.

Wow. I look great.

Here you go.

That’s incredible.

Come on.

Hey, pumpkin.

Daddy wanted to be here, I know he did. He just gets.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

She’s doing her arms-folded thing.

You said she’d smile.

Maybe even start a slow clap.

Don’t worry, I got this. Okay? Come on.

Oh, hey, look, it’s the guy that stranded his kids at school.

And look who he’s with.

Sara, listen.

No!

Sara, please.

No. I am not going to listen to you.

You know what? Your daughter’s been sitting there for two hours, heartbroken.

Sara, I am so sorry.

Oh, just, please. Will one of you idiots just ask your daughter to dance?

Really?

Yes.

Neither one of you deserves her, but yes.

Go ahead, Dusty.

No, you take the first one.

You’ve earned it more than I have.

Dusty, please, she’s your daughter.

What the hell did I miss?

I’ll tell you what. I’ll vouch for you to the kids and I’ll take the first dance.

I’ll say my good-byes, and then I’ll get out of your hair.

Wait, wait. When you say “get out of your hair,”

you mean leave, like leave-leave? Tonight?

Daddy! Brad! The fourth graders are here.

They’re picking on Dylan again.

Those little sh@theads are dead.

Where are they?

DUSTY: Those are the fourth graders?

They’re girls.

Uh-huh. They’re so mean.

Why are you even here at the Daddy-Daughter Dance?

Are you a daughter? Are you a girl?

Are you too scared to take me on without your little friends?

Oh, no, he’s calling out the big one.

Oh-oh.

Oh, no, no, no.

Come on!

Dylan!

Yes!

Dylan, what are you doing?

Did you see? Did you see?

I punched her in the face, just like you taught me.

What?

And then I kicked her right in the nuts.

You like that, bit@h? Huh?

No, no, no!

You want some more, bit@h?

Sweetheart, what happened?

What’s going on here?

He punched me in the face.

Then he kicked me in the swimsuit area.

Then he called me the “B” word.

Who did, him?

He did. I saw it.

He said they taught him to hit girls.

No, no. We thought your daughter was a boy.

What?

No, what he means is that Dylan told us that a fourth grader was picking on him,

but he didn’t tell us it was a girl.

Yeah, and if you had, we’d have told you it’s never okay to hit a girl.

And that she’s probably only bugging you because she likes you, buddy.

I do not like him.

Oh, I think she likes him.

Ah, gross, whatever.

She totally does.

Are you calling my daughter a whore?

What?

They were implying it, Jerry.

Wait. That’s quite a stretch.

Mrs. Troy, please. I got this.

Wait, first of all, which one of you two is the kid’s dad?

They both are.

Oh, my gosh. Wow!

I’m sorry. That’s the first time he’s ever referred to me as Dad.

It’s something I’ve wanted to hear for a long time, so it’s a bit poignant.

I tend to cry a lot

when things get emotional.

They tease me all the time.

I’m actually the stepdad.

Oh, is that right?

So you’re the real dad, huh!

Hey. You don’t want to embarrass yourself, buddy.

You threatening me now, tough guy?

He’s threatening you, Jerry.

Nobody’s threatening anybody.

But you’re gonna want to back that up, Jerry.

And you, Squidward tie.

Quit being an instigator, or I’m gonna have to rap you in the mouth.

Hey, hey, hey. Everyone just calm down.

We’re at the Daddy-Daughter Dance.

You stay out of it, all right?

You don’t count!

I want to talk to the real dad here.

Hey, Brad here is more of a real dad than any of us.

You ever want to see how you should be raising your kids, go look at this guy.

Here I go again. What did I tell you?

Really? You mean that?

You’re a great dad.

Like that?

You shouldn’t have done that.

Yeah? Why?

I’m pretty sure he kills people for a job.

He’s been rather vague with me, but that’s what I’m kind of surmising.

Are we gonna do this?

Oh, we’re gonna do it.

Okay. You ready?

Yeah, I’m ready.

This is what you get.

Daddy.

Want another one? Come on in.

What’s going on?

Is this like some UFC sh@t?

Come on, Brad.

That’s right. It’s a dance, Jerry.

Yeah. So dance, Jerry!

Yeah! You just got served, Jerry!

You just got a piping hot serving.

I’m not getting served.

You’re getting served!

You don’t know this about me, Jerry, but I like to move my body.

Get it, Brad!

Yeah! Yeah, Brad!

This is a dance! Let’s go!

Am I the only one with my shirt off?

You know you can’t leave, right?

You want me to stay?

These guys are growing up so fast.

You don’t want to miss it.

You’re sweating profusely.

I know. I sweat a lot.

That’s cool.

Thank you.

So Dusty did stay.

And with the huge amount of money he was making as the voice of The Panda, he built his own new castle right down the street.

Hey!

But we kept Tumor because he didn’t get along with Dusty’s new puppy.

It turns out Tumor was only five.

.so we’re going to have him for a long, long time.

Tumor!

And I was more than a little surprised when Dusty showed up one day with his new wife

and his new stepdaughter.

This is my stepdaughter, Adriana.

Hey, Adriana. I’m Brad.

Want to go play?

You guys play nice, okay?

Hey, hon. Who’s at the door?

Oh, hey, Sara. This is my wife, Karen.

Oh, is it. Your wife?

That Karen, wow, she is so great.

It turns out she’s a doctor and a celebrated novelist. I mean.

Hon, would you.

Come here, Griff. Come here, Griff. Oh!

He’s so cute.

And I was so surprised when I found out that we’re the same age.

I mean, she looks so young, right?

Good for her!

Honey, you look amazing tonight.

What are you talking about?

It’s just my normal clothes.

I just got ready really fast.

Hey, Griff. Hey, little Griffy.

You want to come to Daddy?

What, you think I’m going to pick his pockets or something?

No.

He doesn’t carry a wallet.

Oh, sweetie, be careful with that knife, okay?

You’re not my dad.

Brad was right.

Being a stepdad isn’t always easy.

But he was also right that it’s worth it.

And he was right about the Ford Flex, too.

It’s a great family car.

Got plenty of room for the kids, gear, and plenty of pickup for me.

I got the Weekender package.

A few more bells and whistles than Brad’s, but Brad doesn’t need to know that.

Sweetie, I’ve been waiting for you to.

Did you just gulp?

No.

I heard a gulp.

Well, a little bit, maybe.

Sure.

There you are.

He’s a lot bigger than you.

He’s got legs for arms.

Little star, guess what?

I like him. I like him a lot.

Yeah. I bet you he’s going to like us, too.

Remember, Loving Fence.

Yeah.

Just go say hi.

Yeah, look, I got this, buddy. Watch.

Hey. You must be Roger.

Nope.