مشکلات

Look, I’m okay, really

I just got a little jolt

You got a little killed is what you got, Brad

We thought we lost you

Okay, I’m sorry

I just got tired of being the lame stepdad

All the kids think he’s Superman

Well, now you know how I felt

I always had to be the bad guy mom, giving out the carrots and the punishments, and he would breeze in from

God only knows where and get to be the cool, fun dad

Honey Look

I’ll talk to him, okay

I’ll tell him to get his stuff and get over to the Red Roof Inn Pronto

Great

Wait Prince Hans is actually the bad guy

Man, I didn’t see that coming at all

He seemed like he really loved Anna

I hate Prince Hans

Dusty

Hey, how you feeling, Sparky

Sparky That’s hilarious

Brad, have you seen this movie

It’s unbelievable, man

There’s these two sisters, one of them has ice powers

Yeah, I’m familiar with Frozen

Listen, Dusty, I need to talk to you now

I can’t talk now, Brad

Just pause the movie

Can you guys talk out there, please

Griff, man You gotta pause it, man

No I don’t want to ruin the momentum

He won’t Dude, if another song comes on, you got to pause it Okay

Am I supposed to pause my emotions

Just pause the song, man

What’s up What’s up

What’s going on, Brad

This shouldn’t take long

Okay, good

Listen, um, I just think that you’re being here

Yeah No problem

and now there’s Griff here, it’s presenting some obstacles

Stupid helmet

Honey, what happened

They pushed me off my bike again

I’m so sick of it

I want them dead, Brad All right

I want their parents dead

And if they don’t have parents, I want their primary caregivers dead

Do you understand me

Okay, okay

He’s okay

Megan’s upstairs playing with him

I am so pissed about this

Was it the fourth graders again

Fourth graders

What, you knew about this, Brad

Yeah Dylan asked to speak specifically to me about it

Really

So, we role-played some conflict resolution dialogue

Are you being serious right now, Brad

What you need to be teaching him is some ass-beating resolution

Damn straight You got to make a statement

Set a tone

It’s kind of a family matter over here

No, Dusty and Griff are right

Those little punks need their butts whooped

Hey, you got any Miracle Whip

Yeah, it’s behind the Here Hold on Let me just get it for you

Guys, I know we’re upset right now, but here’s the thing

Violence never solved anything

Hey, check your history books, buddy

Almost everything is solved by violence

There are better ways

Okay

Name one Besides dialoguing

Name one

Name one

What do you mean, name one

You said you could solve problems with things other than fighting

What are you gonna do

I don’t know

Well, you said you knew

You act like you knew

Fine, yes

What

Dancing Dancing

Did you Did you just say dancing, Brad

It’s very popular in youth culture to resolve conflict through dancing

They step up to each other and get served by crunking, or popping and locking

They call each other out, they take turns, and it is no less intense than a classic street brawl

But, at the end of the day, no one’s hurt

And it’s a great aerobic workout

He’s flailing a bit, but he has a good point

There’s a rich history of dance battles in film

1 You got Breakin’

I didn’t even think of this

Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo

One of the rare cases where the sequel was better than the original

Much better

You got Step Up, Stomp the Yard

He makes a solid point

Honey, are you telling us that we should teach Dylan to dance

No, I’m just saying that teaching him to fight isn’t the answer

Okay, but maybe teaching him to fight back isn’t so bad

Okay

There we go Perfect

That’s good, right there

Yeah A lot of protection

All right, Dylan

You ready, buddy

I guess

Oh, you’re ready

Brad, Griff

You guys be the fourth graders

I’ll be Dylan

Okay

All right

Hey, buddy, the first thing you want to do is call out the biggest one

Hey What’s the matter

You too much of a pussy to take me on without your little bit@hes to back you up

Wow

Okay, yes

That cut right through me, there

I’m filled with inner shame right now

Saying to myself,

“Gosh, maybe I’m not behaving “100% the way I want to”

Right Is that same page

No

What the kid’s gonna think is, “Now I can beat your ass “all on my own”

But now you only got one bully to contend with

All right

Whoa, I didn’t connect there, did I

No It was really close, though

See what I did, buddy

I turned my body just enough to let his weight bring him in, then I came right down Broadway

I’m not gonna hit you

Oh

Okay, relax

Okay

Bam

It’s called the element of surprise

Then you start punking his ass

You want some more of that, bit@h, huh

You like that, bit@h

All right Do we really need to use that word

No

Honey, yes

Unfortunately, we do I’m sorry

You have to make him a bit@h

It’s a fundamental step in destroying a bully’s psyche

Now stay down, bit@h

Then you kick that kid right in the nuts

Kick him in the nuts, Dylan

Wait

I thought you were in my gang

Yeah, but once Dylan tuned you up, I switched sides

What do you think happens out there on the playground, Brad

All right, now come on, buddy

It’s your turn All right

I’ll be the fourth grader

Can I just go inside already, please

Hey, buddy come on, this is easy

You can do this

I said, no I don’t like this stuff

I’ll just stay away from them from now on

Mom

Okay, come here, buddy

Come on It’s all right

Brad

Help me out here Come on

Hey, wait

Pal, listen

I know what it’s like

to be afraid to go to school

Okay

When I was your age, this group of older kids started picking on me

I ran and I cried underneath the bleachers

They bothered me every day, because they knew I was too afraid to face them

Until one day, I’d had enough

And I socked Jesse Hubbard right in the nose

Really

And they left you alone

Damn right they did

Brad That was good

Come here, buddy

Hey, I’m proud of you All right

Now, look at me I want you to punch them right in the Adam’s apple

Okay

I want you to shatter their throat

Hold on, hold on

I’m sorry Look, I’m having a pang of guilt right now

Full disclosure Some of the elements of my story weren’t exactly true

Um, the incessant crying, 100% true

The constant bullying, absolutely, it all happened, but I, uh

I’ve never punched anyone in my life

I could have told you that

Then what did you do

Yeah, what did you do

Well, nothing at all

In fact, sixth grade was so rough, I changed my name to Devin Lacecock

Why the hell would you tell him that

I pretended to be blind for an entire school year, just to elicit empathy

Which was great until

they found me intently watching an episode of MASH

In fact, it got so bad, my parents had to refinance our house to put me in private school

Let’s just do that

Can I go to private school, please

No, Dylan, we can’t do that

Want to know why

Because ever since that day, I’ve always run away from conflict

In fact, if I had a dad like Dusty when I was your age, maybe he could have taught me how to stand up for myself

So, wait You’re saying, if I don’t stick up for myself now, I’ll grow up to be a huge wussy like you

Um, yes That is the basic gist of what I’m saying

Yes

Okay Then let’s do this

Come on, buddy, you got this

Give me something Come on

Faster, harder, meaner, stronger

You’re fast, you’re good

You’re a winner You’re a champion

They got to let you off the leash, baby

We got a little pit bull here

That was really nice, you guys

Good job

It was really fun to watch the two of you working together like a couple of great co-dads

Yeah

Co-dads That’s

That’s good stuff

You know what

In that same spirit of unity, I want to show my gratitude for your inviting me to stay here and share moments like these

Oh, about that, Dusty

When I pulled you over there, actually

No, what you’ve done here does not go unnoticed

And I repay my debts

Look, Sara, I know how much you want another child

I think I can help put a baby in there for you

Oh, my God

What are you saying

I mean I got a guy

Dusty, please

You got a guy

Yes, I got a guy A fertility doctor

He’s a buddy of mine

I trained him for his first Ironman

All right Dr Francisco is the real deal

Dr Emilio Francisco

You’ve heard of him

Oh, my God, yeah

He’s been on Dr Oz like 10 times

Yeah, he’s one of the top five reproductive endocrinologists in the country

See People wait years to get an appointment with this guy

Do you really think he would see us

Whoa, whoa, hold on

I know he would

If anybody can help you have a baby, he can

Mommy’s going to have a baby

Cool Can we name it Griff

Oh, thanks, D-man

Look, you guys, I don’t know if this is a good idea

What, you don’t wanna name your baby after a black person

Is that it

No

You probably want to name it something really white, like Connor or Gordon

Harland, or Scot with one T Or Brad

No, no, Griff is a lovely name

I’m just saying,

I don’t think it’s a good idea to get our hopes up, because, in the end, odds are, I’m going to let you down

Okay, honey, but what if I promise, promise, promise not to get my hopes up

We could just try, right It can’t hurt

Okay, sure

But you can’t get your hopes up

No I won’t, I won’t Thank you

I feel like you’ve already gotten your hopes up

Where are you going

Nowhere

You calling your mother

No

Okay, yes, but it’s about something else

It’s not about something else

Damn it, Brad, he set you up

He used this fancy doctor to get your wife back on the baby train

When those test results come back and prove that you can’t give her a baby, guess who’s gonna be waiting there cocked and loaded

Well, I trust my wife, so we really don’t need to keep talking about it, okay

Let me tell you a little story, Brad

When Jeneane, my fourth, and I were returning from our honeymoon, she told me that she had a 23-year-old kid Brazilian boy

Said she had him real young

So he moves in with us

Doesn’t speak a lick of English

There are the usual tensions

I try to assert my authority

“Andreas, get your feet off the furniture”

“Andreas, you’re too old to sleep in bed with Mommy”

“Andreas, you got to stay off the ‘roids”

And he’d get mad, and hit me with a car antenna

Eh Maybe that’s the way kids are

No Not really

So I adopt him, help him get his citizenship

The second the papers come through, guess what happens

I already know

Bam They shack up together in Barstow

It turns out Andreas

is her boyfriend, Brad

Mmm-hmm

I did not see it coming

I actually did, about one, two words into your story

The moral of this fable is, it’s good to know when you’re beaten

You know I think the world of you, Brad

Thank you

But if I’m being completely honest, even I’m rooting for Dusty

He’s just so damn likeable

You know, it’s getting kind of late

Shouldn’t we just get back to work

Okay, you win

So where are we on The Panda Jam numbers for next summer

London, you still on the conference call