درس 02

Yo, it is so good to be here right now.

Glad to be back.

Here’s the weird thing.

I’ve been so busy, man.

I’ve been busy.

People like, “Where you been?

Been busy, trying to raise some kids.

That sh@t’s a job.

Now, my oldest daughter just started high school.

Just started high school.

Lola just started high school.

And, uh, yep, kept her off the pole.

And, uh.

Kept her off the pole, you know.

She danced a little too hard to Migos, but we’re working on it.

She just started high school and I had to take her to freshman orientation.

You ever go to freshman orientation?

It’s the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids.

You know, ‘cause you sit in an auditorium quite like this.

With, you know, a couple thousand kids.

People come up and speak and just lie to children.

That’s all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children about the future.

And I’m sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, “I want you children to know you can be anything you wanna be.

You can be absolutely anything you wanna be”.

I’m like, “Lady, why are you lying to these children?”

Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be.

But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld.

sh@t, I’m looking at these kids right now.

I count at least 60 Uber drivers.

They could be anything they wanna be.

Shut the fu@k up.

Really? They could be anything they wanna be?

Then how come you’re a vice principal?

Was that the dream?

Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid?

Put your little vice principal hat on?

Tell the kids the truth.

Tell the kids the fu@king truth.

Say, “Hey kids, check this out.

Check this out.

You can be anything you’re good at.

As long as they’re hiring”.

And even then it helps to know somebody.

So, I’m sitting there. I’m in school and I’m watching this sh@t.

And it dawned on me that this orientation wasn’t right.

You know, ‘cause I got black kids, man.

You know, and I’m sitting there, I’m like, “I don’t think this is right”.

I think they need separate orientations.

I think they need a black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever.

Because the black kids, you’re, you’re.

You know, you’re getting ready to face a whole other world.

I got black kids. I gotta get them ready for the white man.

I gotta get them ready for America, man.

You know?

It’s like, you know.

I mean, not the white man that’s here tonight. You guys are alright.

Ya’ll cool. Every one of you.

I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards putting little black girls through private school.

Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, “I made a difference”.

But so I’m at school and I’m like, “Yo, I think we need separate orientations”.

‘Cause you gotta get your kids ready for the white man.

If you’re not, then you’re fu@king up as a parent, ok?

I’ve been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born.

Ok?

Even before they was born, I’ve been preparing them for the white man.

Yeah. That’s right.

My house, we don’t have fire drills.

We have white-r drills.

So, ever since my kids were born,

I’ve been getting them ready for the white man.

So, everything in my house that’s the color white is either hot, heavy, or sharp.

So, my kids know when they deal with anything white, they gotta think about that sh@t.

They gotta contemplate this sh@t.

“Oh, this napkin, ok.

Should I wipe my mouth with it?

Or is that what whitey wants me to do?”

Ever since they was born, everything in my house, hot, heavy, or sharp.

They sit on a white toilet seat.

Burn their ass.

“Daddy, my ass is burning”.

“It’s white motherfu@ker. It’s white.

That’s what whitey do.

He burn your fu@king ass.

Pay attention”.

sh@t, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds.

“Daddy!

Dad, it’s so heavy.

It’s so heavy.

This hurts.

I can’t even stand.

I can’t even stand”.

“It’s white, motherfu@ker.

It’s white.

That’s what whitey do.

He break your back”.

At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream with glass in it.

“Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding”.

“Should’ve got chocolate”.

Yeah, I go hard.

I got girls and I go hard.

So, if you got a black son, sh@t, you gotta just punch him in the face.

So, as soon as he wakes up in the morning, it’s like, “Morning, nigga. Pow”.

If you don’t punch your black son in the face, that’s child abuse.

It’s rough out there for a black boy, man.

It’s rough! That’s right.

Some people say young black men are an endangered species.

But, that’s not true.

Because endangered species are protected by the government.

True.

That’s right, you got to punch your black son in the fu@king face.

You understand me?

Hard.

Yeah, I said it.

On Netflix, I said that sh@t.

You understand? It’s important that your black son follow your instructions.

It’s the difference between life and death, ok?

Ok? Yeah.

Yeah, ‘cause we got a crazy justice system out here, man.

We got a justice system for rich, for poor, for black, for white.

We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime in the exact same place at the exact same time and get a different sentence.

Only in America.

We gotta change this justice system, yo.

The American justice system should be like Walmart.

Should be just like Walmart.

It’s like, “Hey, if you can find a lighter sentence, we’ll match it”.

So, I’m at the school. I’m at the school.

And, the lady comes back out.

She goes, “I want you to know that the school has absolutely no bullies.

We have a no-bully policy.

We don’t

We don’t

We don’t permit bullying.

Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately”.

And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school.

It’s like, “What kind of half-assed education is this?”

I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life.

Life has assholes.

And you should learn how to deal with them as soon as possible.

God forbid, you wait till you’re 30 to find out people ain’t sh@t.

That’s a lesson you need, quick.

That’s right. I mean, one of the problems with the world is we got too many people telling they kids how special they are.

These souped up kids walking the streets today thinking they’re fu@king special.

I’m walking down the street, always some kid,

“Hey, good work, Chris.

Really funny, Chris. Love your work”.

I’m like, “It’s Mr. Rock, bit@h”.

Stop telling your kids that they special.

Maybe they special to you.

But not to me.

I don’t play that sh@t.

Everyday before my kids leave to school, I get them at the door.

I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out.

Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fu@k about you.

Nobody in the whole world gives a fu@k about you.

Nobody thinks you’re cute.

Nobody thinks you’re smart.

Nobody gives a fu@k about your opinion.

Nobody on the whole earth outside of this door gives a fu@k about you.

Nobody!

And even some of the people inside the house a little on the fence”.

We need bullies.

How the fu@k you gonna have a school with no bullies?

Bullies do half the work.

That’s right.

Teachers do one half.

Bullies do the whole other half.

And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fu@king grown-up.

That’s right. Who gives a fu@k if you can code.

if you start crying’cause your boss didn’t say hi?

You fu@king weak bit@h.

Get the fu@k away from me.

You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school?

“Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfu@ker.

fu@k you, Gates. You four-eyed bit@h.

fu@k you and your windows, you gape-tooth motherfu@ker.

I’m gonna smack the sh@t out of you, fu@king Gate.

Gate motherfu@ker.

You can’t get in the gate, Gates”.

You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school?

“Hey, Zucker-fu@k.

Zucker-fu@ker.

Mother-Zucker. Mother.

Zuck-Zucker, mother-Zuck.

Mother-Zucker.

Mother-Zuck.

Zucker-mother.

Zucker-mother.

Mother-Zucker”.

He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book.

He invented Facebook just to get friends.

We need bullies.

sh@t, pressure makes diamonds.

Not hugs.

That’s right. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get.

You get a dirty shirt.

I’m telling you, we need fu@king bullies.

That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now.

‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money.

You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds.

We need bullies, man.

I hate when people go, “You know what, cyber bullying is worse”.

Shut up.

I never heard of anybody getting cyber kicked down a flight of stairs.

I’ve never heard of anybody getting a cyber bag of piss thrown at them.

We need fu@king bullies. sh@t, that’s how Trump became president.

That’s exactly what happened.

We got rid of bullies.

A real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him.

sh@t.

The cast of The Apprentice is running the world.

Trump, the daughter, Omarosa.

They run the world, man.

Yo, man, this sh@t is crazy.

A lot of people are like, “Well, Trump is a bad person and he gonna get his”.

You know, some people never get theirs.

Some people just fail up.

People are like, “Well, you know, what goes around comes around”.

No, it don’t.

Sometimes it just keeps going around.

Ain’t nothing gonna happen to Trump, man.

Nothing’s gonna happen to Trump.

Here’s the crazy thing.

It might just work out.

Trump might work out.

Yeah, I said it.

Trump might work out. I mean, think about it this way.

Bush was so bad.

he gave us Obama.

You forget that sh@t, don’t you?

Bush was so bad that people said, “Hey, maybe this black guy has the answers”.

I think people overlook George Bush’s contributions to black history.

George Bush is a black revolutionary.

Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, George Bush.

They need to honor him at the Essence Festival.

It might work out, man. Think about it.

Bush was so bad he gave us Obama.

sh@t, Trump’s so bad.

he gonna give us Jesus.