درس 04

Yo, you don’t wanna get divorced, man.

This sh@t is no joke, man.

Had to go through a custody fight for my kids.

Just to see my kids, man.

That sh@t’s fu@ked up, man.

First of all, you don’t wanna be a man in family court.

And you don’t wanna be a black man in any court.

Ok, even the black judge comes to work with his lawyer.

And he keeps his robe on all day.

And writes “Judge” on the back.

Just in case somebody thinks it’s a nigga with a cape.

“Is that a nigga with a cape?”

“Nope, just a judge”.

Yo, man, I was in court.

That shit was scary, man.

Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids.

You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth, you know?

So, I bought a house around the corner.

Ok? Like a fucking quarter of a mile, Like, right around the fucking corner.

Damn near the same house, ok?

But, it wasn’t enough, man.

I went in there and that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock,

I need to see pictures of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep”.

I was like, “What. What.

You think I got a manger? What?

Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?”

Ok, showed him the picture, right?

But that wasn’t enough.

Then the judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock,

I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside to make sure the children have enough to eat”.

And I’m like.

“What have you heard about me?”

“I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown”.

Yo, man.

Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced.

I’m telling you right now, if you ever do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that sh@t.

If you hug them, take a picture.

If you feed them, take a picture.

‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love.

Winter is coming.

It worked out. I got my kids.

I got my kids. I got my custody.

It’s fu@king beautiful, ok?

Got my kids, man.

I just won them this afternoon.

I got my fu@king kids, man.

That sh@t was, like, humiliating, man.

Trying to prove your parenthood, man.

So, I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship.

But, after you go through that sh@t, like, “Am I gonna lose my kids?

It’s like, “Yo, I’m going hard, every time I have my kids”.

And I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard.

“I don’t know what you’re doing at your mother’s house, but we gonna top that sh@t”.

Every motherfu@king time, ok?

Sometimes I bring guest stars.

I make sure they go back to her with a story.

They like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework”.

“Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich”.

Ya’ll think I’m bullsh@tting.

Check my Instagram, alright?

And the crazy thing is.

So, after you get through the custody thing, then you gotta divide the money.

That’s some fu@king scary sh@t, man.

And whoever, whoever makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person.

So, I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me.

That’s like hiring a hit man to kill you.

It’s like, “Ok, here’s a picture of me.

I’m gonna be at Burger King at 10:38, ok?

Shoot me in the head and give me a call”.

So.

I’m in court. Yo, one day I’m in court and I’m just looking around.

And, you know, she got three lawyers.

I got three lawyers.

sh@t’s expensive as fu@k.

She got three lawyers.

I got three lawyers.

The judge. The bailiff.

The stenographer. And I’m looking at all these motherfu@kers, man.

I was like, “Wow, look at this whole town”.

Just here.

And I’m looking at all these people and realize, like, everybody in this room is far more educated than me.

Everybody.

I dropped out of Boys High, ok.

Got college motherfu@kers coming at me, right?

And I realize everybody in the room, born to much better circumstances than me.

I’m from Bed-motherfu@king-Stuy, baby.

And everybody in there is there to take my money.

It’s like, “Everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me”.

And they got up that morning. They brushed they teeth. They put on suits.

They fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my sh@t.

And, at that moment, I realized something.

I made it.

I made it.

Started from the bottom, now I’m here.

I made it, man.

And after that, I was like, “fu@k it, take it. Whatever you need. Take it.

I’ll be alright. I’m gonna work.

It’s gonna be good”.

‘Cause here’s the crazy thing. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn.

Like, I brought this sh@t on myself.

You know? Nobody told me to go ho up, you know.

I brought this sh@t on myself.

And, you just gotta learn some lessons.

Some man lessons. Ok?

I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness.

that you have to accept.

when you’re a man, especially a black man. It’s like.

The worlds cold as a motherfu@ker, ok?

When you get older, one thing I learned only women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally.

Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally.

A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something.

Ok?

I’ve never heard a woman in my life say, “You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer”.

No, no, no.

I once heard my grandmother say, “A broke man is like a broke hand.

Can’t do nothing with it”.

What kind of gangster sh@t is that?

That’s right. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally.

A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something.

That’s right, fellas, when you meet a new girl, what do your friends ask you?

“What’s she look like?”

Ladies, when you meet a new guy, what do your friends ask you?

“What does he do?”

“What the fu@k does that nigga do that can help you out?

Can this motherfu@ker facilitate a dream or not?

Even right now, Michelle Obama is looking at Barack, going, “What’s your plans, nigga?”

“How’s that book turning out?

I need to see some pages”.