3بخش

You think you’re cute?

You’ve welcomed a world of pain, my friend.

You’ll be sorry Mess with me, you little.

Think you’re cute?

You’re not cute!

Ah!

Oh!

This will never be spoken of.

No idea what you’re talking about.

Oh!

You’re doing very well, Grandpa.

Thank you, sweetheart.

You’re a very good teacher.

Why is your face all red?

I don’t know.

I may be allergic to something in this house.

I’m off to shaving cream.

I mean, school.

Uh, Peter, is that your binder?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Have a good day at school, kiddo.

Love you.

Hey, Pete.

How’s your super unnecessary war going?

Not good.

I was up all night.

Couldn’t sleep at all.

Diarrhea?

What?

No.

My grandpa.

Your grandpa had diarrhea?

No.

There’s no diarrhea in this story.

Oh.

I did what you said yesterday, and I hit him good multiple times.

I even put hot sauce in his coffee this morning.

So far, nothing.

Dude, your grandfather’s using psyops.

Psychological warfare.

Or maybe he’s just being an adult.

Peter, if you’re done talking, maybe you’d like to read us your report on what you did over your summer vacation?

Yeah.

Sure.

“My Summer Vacation” by Peter Decker.

“This summer was one of the best summer breaks I’ve ever had.

“I rode my bike a lot and stopped showering”until I smelled like a monkey’s butt.”

Keep reading, Peter.

Go on.

I don’t want to.

This isn’t my.

Read.

“During my vacation,”I figured out how to freeze my own farts in a baggie.”

I didn’t write this!

Have a seat.

And see me after class.

Psyops.

Amateur.

What’s going on here?

Nothing.

Nothing.

We were just, um.

I was just dropping off some vocabulary drills.

Really?

Vocabulary.

Russell, go.

Mia, stay.

Do we not have a policy about no boys in this house when no one is here?

Oh, my God, Mom, don’t blow a gasket.

We weren’t doing anything.

Don’t you think I was your age once?

No, I don’t.

Really?

Yeah, ‘cause you are.

What?

You are literally.

You are.

Say it.

Those vocabulary drills are paying off, sweetie.

Ugh!

What the heck?

Whoa!

Don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing.

He got me.

I got him good.

Tape on the doorway.

Like I wouldn’t see that coming from a mile away.

Rookie!

Tape on the doorway.

Tape on the doorway.

Step back, boys.

Big hitter.

All right.

Yep.

Stepping back.

We should skip this hole.

Yeah, good idea.

Come on.

Yeah.

I wonder how my grandpa’s golf game is going.

My Jordans.

Dude, I think your grandpa might be a ninja.

My Jordans!

First time?

Unfortunately, no.

What are you, a spy or something?

No, I’m just trying to outsmart my grandson.

We’re in the middle of a turf battle over a bedroom.

I just moved into my daughter’s house, so.

No, no, no, don’t say anything else.

That way, they can’t make me testify.

I won’t.

You need a hand?

No, let me give it one more shot.

Oh, come on.

Yeah, I.

All right, what am I doing wrong now?

Oh!

No, I’m not gonna help you now.

That way, you’ll never learn.

Making it tough on me, huh?

You’re on your way.

Bam!

Cars like this 1974 Volkswagen Bug use.

We had one of those, remember?

We changed the clutch on it.

Yeah, how could I forget?

You dropped the flywheel on my toe.

That was your fault for mistaking me for your son.

Anybody want to watch anything else, maybe?

Like, uh, Netflix?

Weather Channel?

C-SPAN?

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

Hey, yeah.

Hey.

Going to Skyler’s house.

What?

Now?

Yeah.

I’m studying.

Do you want me to get into a good college or not?

Okay.

Bye.

She’s going to see Russell.

I know it.

What?

None of my business.

No, come on.

You’re gonna say it anyway.

Okay.

My advice about fighting with her about her boyfriend is don’t.

It cost me two years with you.

Yeah.

When you started dating Artie here.

That’s not true.

I don’t remember that.

I do.

It was terrible.

I was over at the house all the time.

Yeah, you were over at the house talking to your mother.

You barely talked to me at all.

Oh.

Really?

Yeah.

Um.

Sorry, Dad.

No, don’t be.

It was my fault.

I thought he wasn’t good enough for you, till I realized that wasn’t the point.

The point was you thought he was good enough for you.

But you and Arthur get along great now.

Because I stopped being an idiot.

But I’ll never get those two years back.

Wow.

Uh.

I appreciate that, Ed.

You’re welcome, Artie.

I mean, I meant that, sincerely.

But the career, not so much.

What?

Dad!

Nothing against Artie.

It’s just that I think that people who lose sight of their dreams and settle for less are never very happy.

That’s all.

Really?

I find that those same people tend to have secure incomes.

Which then allow them to, I don’t know, take in an aging senior, perhaps.

And the name’s Arthur.

Come on, honey.

Let’s go.

It’s bedtime.

Here we go.

Night, sweetie.

Night.

Good night.

I thought you stopped being an idiot.

Sorry.

I can’t put anything back together.

He took all of the screws.

So now I’m sleeping on the floor.

That’s hilarious.

Yeah.

Ha ha.

Dude, you might have to face the fact that your grandfather’s just smarter than you.

Hey!

Billy, nice snake.

Thanks.

See?

Not that hard.

Yeah.

Thanks, kiddo.

Okay, off you go.

Skedaddle.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Now you’re talking.

I know something you could do, Peter.

What?

You could use some of the mental energy you’re expending on thinking up stupid tricks to play on your grandfather to not get a C in math.

Who cares about math?

This is real life.

Said the guy building a fake castle in a video game.

Petersburg isn’t a castle.

It’s a palace.

And after three years in the making, it’s almost finished.

Too easy.

No.

Uh-oh.

And then see if the light comes back on.

No!

Any nimrod knows that.

What the.

Did you bring it?

You got the cash?

Dude, it’s all there.

I’m sure it is, Pete.

I’m sure it is.

Not funny, Peter.

Nice snake.

Nice, nice snake.

Nice snake.

Nice.

Take all the room you want.

Do whatever you want.

I’m just gonna go.

Go over here.

Don’t mind if I do, Eddie.

You stay there.

You stay there.

You stay there.

What’s that?

It’s a Vitalert necklace.

A what?

Like those TV commercials?

You expect me to wear that?

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

No way.

Look. No.

You know, you just.

You wear it under your shirt, and, hey, nobody can even see it.

You can’t see that.

Right?

If you don’t want to wear it for you, wear it for me.

But I don’t need this.

Really?

I don’t need this.

Because Arthur says that you’ve been acting Oddly.

He has?

For the record, I didn’t say “oddly.”

I said “confused.”

Confused?

Look, Dad, is it so hard to believe that we care about you?

Probably won’t even need to use it.

You got that right, ‘cause I’m not wearing it.

Look, it gives me peace of mind to know that with just one push of a button, you can get help if you need it.

Please?

Please.

Sweet necklace, Grandpa.

For every action, my friend.

Ugh!

Ugh!

And this is how you found him?

Yeah.

When I couldn’t reach him online, I got worried.

My life’s work.

Ruined!

All I see is a pile of rubble.

He destroyed Petersburg!

I’ve been building it for more than a third of my life.

Actually, three over 12 is exactly 25%, which is less than a third of your life.

Well, it is.