1بخش

Dear Santa, are you real?

If you live at the North Pole, how come I can’t see your house when I look on Google Earth?

Are you Saint Nicholas?

Because you’d be incredibly old.

How do you have time to read all the letters from all the children in the world?

And how many cookies and mince pies have you eaten in all of history?

How do you get all the presents in the sack?

Does your sack have to get bigger every year because of exponential population growth?

And how do you get down the chimneys?

I put my head in ours and it’s really small.

Even if you could squeeze down it in one minute, there’s nine houses in my road so that’s nearly 10 minutes.

And there are millions of roads in the world.

It must be so hard being Santa these days.

I mean, what if after all of that, I’m staying at Grandma’s?

Santa, how can you get round the whole world in just one night?

My friend said that you’d have to go so fast, it would make you and the sleigh and the reindeer all burn up.

I think you are real.

But how do you do it?

For Christmas I would love a pink Twinkle Bike with stabilizers.

But please don’t bring it if it makes you and the reindeer burn.

Love, Gwen Hines.

23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew, Cornwall, England.

Dear Gwen, thank you for your letter and, heh, brilliant picture.

Your request for a pink Twinkle Bike will be passed on to Santa.

And, yes, do believe in Santa.

He is real.

He’s the greatest man ever.

And he can get around the world to every child without a single reindeer being roasted ali.

Hurt.

By the time the sun comes up on Christmas Day, he’ll get to you too using his special magic.

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ to town ♪

♪ Santa’s comin’ to town ♪ ♪

First Field Elf Battalion, set.

Straighten that teddy bear, soldier.

Ma’am.

Ah.

Hm.

Ho, ho, ho.

That’s a: “Ho, ho, ho” Aarhus.

Field elves, jingle!

Jingle, jingle!

Drop time, 18:14 seconds per household.

Left foot, sir.

Right foot, sir.

Unh.

Unh.

Ooh, ha, ha, ha.

That’s it, that’s it.

Dog food incoming.

Meaty chunks in the hole.

Wow, a grand piano.

This kid must have been good his whole life.

Marvelous.

Gets me every time.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry.

Carrot chomped.

Ahem.

Sir?

Oh!

Goodness me.

Sorry.

Heh, heh.

Drop complete.

Stand by, S-1.

You’re gonna make it, soldier.

Aarhus is merry.

Santa has left the building.

North Pole to S-1, you have weather fluctuation.

Update camouflage.

Roger that, Control.

Hull projection optimized.

Roger, S-1.

Denmark cleared.

Next drop, Flensburg, minus 12.4 seconds.

Deep, crisp, even.

Making a list.

Check it twice.

Checking twice.

A wrap for Denmark.

Converting milk and cookies to biofuel.

Hello?

Oh.

Ah.

Ha, ha.

Uh.

Santa on bridge.

Sorry.

Forgot the PIN code.

Just crossed into Germany, sir.

Germany.

So many countries these days.

It’s a big night, sir.

My, uh, 70th mission.

Yes.

Oh, sorry.

One too many mince pies.

Looking forward to it?

Retirement?

Hm?

Oh!

Ten seconds to Flensburg.

Maintain current, um.

Carry on.

Update national protocol.

Delete rice pudding and carrot.

German leave-out for Santa is shoe on front step.

Repeat, shoe on step.

600AM3.

Gift secured.

Oi, soldier.

Get off your baubles.

What happened to peace and goodwill to all men, sarge?

It don’t say nothing about elves, soldier.

Go, go, go!

Engage rooftops.

It’s snow time!

S-1, hold drop altitude.

This is Germany, Father.

Drive on the right.

National dish: sausage.

Okay, let’s show them, people.

Operation Santa Claus is coming to town.

Drop complete.

Drop complete.

Drop complete.

Drop complete.

Drop complete.

Drop complete.

One hundred percent.

Wow.

Hold the handrail.

Whoa!

Oops.

Dear, I’m sorry.

Thanks.

Brendon Doherty.

Ruby Miller.

That’s Grace Smith.

She wants an elephant.

What are you doing here?

Got to get this letter from Maria Costa to Steve.

Oh, no!

Maria!

Whoops!

Bye-bye, Maria.

Whoa!

Is this yours, Arthur?

Oh, thanks, Kenneth.

Merry Christmas.

Want a ride?

Doubt it.

No, thanks.

I’m not very good with heights, speed and that thing!

Buckle down, people.

Buckle down.

Peter.

Ready, sir.

SITREP on special forces.

Where are they?

America, sir.

White House.

Delivering to the president’s children, sir.

Okay.

Left out of the Oval Office, right at the Cabinet Room via the air vents.

You think of everything, sir.

Thank you, Peter.

I’d love an espresso.

Coming right up.

Heh, heh.

Oop!

Beg your pardon.

Well done!

Merry Christmas.

Wow, brilliant.

Mind the glasses.

Keep up, everybody.

Arthur.

Sorry.

Can I just.

Um.

No, never mind.

Do you mind if I.

Ow!

Oh, dear.

I’m so sorry.

6B.

Merry Christmas.

FRC.

And a happy New Year.

What a night, sir.

Out with the old Santa, in with the new, eh?

Let’s focus on the now, eh, Peter?

Support teams, prep Poland.

Poland.

Poland.

Do you know what they call Dad here?

Anyway.

I guess he’s harmless.

Ow!

I’m terribly sorry.

Is that your leg?

Whoo!

I’m sorry!

I’m really sorry.

It’s my Christmas slippers on the ice.

They’re from China.

Found it.

What?

The letter.

The one I said.

From Maria Costa.

She asked for a Pocket-Puppy, but she wants the blue one.

It looks like her auntie’s dog, Biffo, that ran away.

I remember because she sent a picture of Biffo.

See?

Child CG786K?

Look, Arthur.

This was Greece, sir.

Five countries ago, sir.

Oh.

Um.

I just want it to be perfect for every kid.

Hey, there’s Dad.

Santa!

Maria Costa, Dad.

Did she get the blue one?

Little bro, it’s great to have you around.

You bring a genuine aura of seasonal positivity.

Heh.

Thanks, Steve.

But could you not be in Mission Control at all for the rest of the night?

Oh.

Um.

Uh.

Yeah.

All right?

I’ll never walk

Right.

Sorry if I.

Uh.

Brilliant.

They should put him somewhere out of harm’s way.

What, like the South Pole?

Waker!

We have a waker!

And Santa’s in there!

Code red.

code red.

Santa?

Are you here?

Ooh.

Steve?

Hold on, Father.

Intel!

Get me Intel!

Santa’s head seems to be resting on some sort of “try me” button, sir.

It’s the Quack Quack Moo Activity Farm, sir.

It features 12 separate animal sounds.

Sings “Old MacDonald Had A Farm.”

The moment your father lifts his head, there’ll be 10 seconds of constant mooing.

Risk of mooing: 98 percent.

Captain Marino, you’ll have to take the batteries out.

He’d have to get past the wrapping, the box and 14 twist ties anchoring it to the cardboard.

It’s too noisy!

It’ll wake the boy!

He’ll see Santa!

Remember 1816 when Santa was seen.

They tracked him home.

He had to go into hiding.

No Christmas for six years.

The elves all alone!

The elves alone!

Calm, people!

It’s not 1816 now.

Marino, your HOHO is equipped with state-of-the-art EMF sensor technology hacked directly from the military’s missile program.

I want you to locate the batteries and perform a Level 3 giftwrap incision.

Go in through the robin.

Incising robin.

Big girl’s blouse.

Lot of fuss.

I did my 70 missions without any of this malarkey.

Didn’t we, lad?

Ha, ha.

Twist ties clear.

Can I watch with you, Grandsanta?

Shut the door!

Hell’s berries, it’s the North Pole!

Kid still asleep?

He mustn’t see Santa.

Dad would rather die than spoil it.

What if you wake the odd nipper?

A whack with a sock of sand, dab of whiskey on the lips, they don’t remember.

Ha, ha, ha.

Screwdriver elf.

Yes!

Ha-ha-ha!

What happened to going down the “chimbley”?

Never did me any har.

Get off me!

You smell like a wet elf.

Goodness!

Down, boy!

Basket.

Here you are, Grandsanta.

I’ve made you a nice mince pie.

I can’t eat that.

It gets in me teeth.

Oh, dear.

Now I’ve got to visit the elf hospital, look over a treaty with Greenland and make the gravy.

Then we’ll finally have the whole family home for Christmas.

They’re nearly done!

Battery clear.

Oh, no.

It’s the detachable milk maid!

She’s got her own power source!

Five seconds till she starts singing!

Four!

Three!

Two!

One!

Use your HOHO.

Exit code 12.

Code 12!

♪ Old McDonald had a farm ♪ ♪

Okay, go, go, go!

Revise drop time to 14:13 seconds.

Let’s pick this up, people!

Drop time revised.

Picking this up, people.

Everybody, mission re-engage.

Three, two, one!

Mission accomplished.

Hey!

Oh, what a night that was.

That detachable milk maid thing.

This is just the beginning, right, sir?

I got you a present, sir.

Not S for Steve, sir.

S for Santa.

Oh, I don’t know about that, Peter.

Okay, let’s bring them home.