2بخش

What was that?

Wait.

I’m not finished.

I gotta get back.

I don’t wanna die!

I’m not done.

I’m not done.

Run!

Why aren’t you running?

I don’t know.

What’s wrong with you people?

I don’t know.

I’m not done.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

Excuse me.

Help!

I’m not done.

I gotta get back.

Oh, my.

Oh, my goodness.

What?

Now, now, everyone,

let’s give the mentor some room.

Sorry, new souls.

37, that’s enough.

Hey, everyone, look here.

Quiet coyote.

Quiet coyote.

Who.

Who are you?

I am the coming together of all quantised fields of the universe.

Appearing in a form your feeble human brain can comprehend.

What?

You can call me Jerry.

Jerry, okay.

Uh, hey, is this heaven?

No.

Is it H-E-double hockey sticks?

Hell.

Hell, hell, hell.

Quiet coyote.

Hell.

It’s easy to get turned around.

This isn’t the Great Beyond.

It’s the Great Before.

The Great Before?

We call it the You Seminar now.

Hell.

No, no.

You’re here!

Does this mean I’m dead?

Not yet.

Your body’s in a holding pattern.

It’s complicated.

I’ll get you back to your group.

Come on, little souls, get on up here.

Welcome to the You Seminar.

You are in for a treat.

Mm, that’s weird.

What is it?

The count’s off.

Excuse me?

There’s a soul missing.

The count’s off.

Okay, first stop

is the Excitable Pavilion.

You four.

In you go.

You five, you’ll be aloof.

And you two, why not?

Oh, wait a minute.

This is where personalities come from?

Of course.

Do you think people are just born with them?

So, uh, how do they get to Earth, then?

Well, they use the Earth portal.

Once they get a complete personality, of course.

Hello?

Hello?

Goodbye.

Wait, wait, wait.

You sure get lost a lot.

All righty, mentors.

Just find your name here.

Hello, Jerry.

and join us inside.

got a lost mentor for you.

Thanks, Jerry.

Uh, look, I’m not sure

I’m supposed to be here.

I understand.

Mentoring isn’t for everyone.

You’re more than welcome to opt out.

Actually, on second thought,

you know, the mentoring sounds like fun.

I’m glad to hear it.

Jerry will take it from here.

Thanks, Jerry.

Head right on over there to Jerry.

Thank you, Jerry.

Is everyone here named Jerry?

Good luck!

Jerry, we’ve got a problem.

Oh, hello, there, Terry.

The count’s off.

I seriously doubt that.

The count hasn’t been off in centuries.

151,000 souls go into

the Great Beyond every day.

That’s 105.2 souls per minute, Jerry.

1.75 souls per second.

And I count every single one of ‘em.

Yep.

It’s my job to keep track of this stuff, Jerry.

I’m the accountant.

And we all think

you’re doing a wonderful job,

don’t we, everyone?

Absolutely.

Looks good from where this guy’s standing.

I’d say no.

I’m always counting.

I’m counting right now.

You blinked five times since I started talking.

Six.

Right.

Since accounting is your job,

why don’t you figure out the problem?

Maybe I will.

Wonderful.

Hello again, Terry.

Don’t play dumb with me.

Okay, here we go.

“A.

”

Hello, there, mentors.

I’m Jerry, a counselor here at the You Seminar.

Now you don’t remember it,

but you’ve been here before.

But don’t worry,

forgetting the trauma of childbirth

is one of the great gifts of the universe.

Here at the You Seminar,

all new souls are given unique

and individual personalities.

I’m an agreeable sceptic

who’s cautious yet flamboyant.

I’m an irritable wallflower

who’s dangerously curious.

I’m a manipulative megalomaniac

who’s intensely opportunistic.

Oh-ho, this one might be a handful.

But that’s Earth’s problem.

You’ll notice these souls

are all missing something.

What goes in this spot?

Well, these souls need their “spark”.

And that’s where you come in.

Maybe you will find their spark

in the Hall of Everything,

where literally anything

on Earth could inspire.

Or perhaps you’ll prefer the Hall of You,

featuring a selection of moments

from your own inspiring life.

And just what is this spark?

I know you’re all excited to get to work,

so good luck finding the spark.

Find the spark.

Wow, that was informative.

Now, it’s time for my favourite part of the programme,

matching you mentors with your soul mates.

Our first mentor is Maria Martinez.

Maria, come on down.

Maria was a rare disease specialist

from the University of Mexico.

I’m cured.

I’m cured.

She’ll be matched with one of my favourites,

soul number 108,210,121,415.

Congratulations!

Off you go.

Our next mentor is Bjorn T Börgensson.

Dr Börgensson

is a world-renowned child psychologist

who was recently awarded a Nobel Prize.

I see pain, death, destruction.

How about now?

A pretty butterfly.

Dr Börgensson will be matched

with soul number 22.

Oh, we’re gonna get into this now.

Excuse me.

22, you come out of

this dimension right now.

How many times do I have to tell you?

I don’t wanna go to Earth.

Stop fighting this, 22.

I don’t wanna.

You will go to Earth

and have a life.

Make me!

22 has been at the You Seminar

for quite some time

and has had such notable mentors as Gandhi,

Abraham Lincoln, and Mother Teresa.

I made her cry.

Ignore that.

Put me down.

We’re truly glad to have you here,

Dr Börgensson.

It is an honour having you

prepare 22 for Earth.

I’m gonna make you wish you never died.

Most people wish that, 22.

Off you go.

Bye!

Where are we?

That’s great progress.

You should be very proud Step by step In celebration of Dr Börgensson’s body of work, we are pleased to present him this honorary.

These past few weeks,

I have seen such growth So many people I’d like to thank, of course.

Okay, look,

I’m sure your life was amazing

and you did amazing things,

but here’s what we’re gonna do.

We’re gonna stand here in silence for a little bit, then we go back out, you say you tried,

I go back to not living my non-life and you go to the Great Beyond.

No, look.

Talk all you want, Bjorn.

It’s not gonna work, anyway.

I’ve had thousands of mentors

who failed and now hate me.

Mother Teresa.

I have compassion for every soul.

Except you.

I don’t like you.

Copernicus.

The world doesn’t revolve around you, 22.

Muhammad Ali.

You are the greatest pain in the butt.

Marie Antoinette.

Nobody can help you!

Nobody!

Thanks, but no thanks, Doc.

I already know everything about Earth,

and it’s not worth the trouble.

Come on, don’t you want

to fill out your pass?

You know, I’m comfortable up here.

I have my routine.

I float in mist, I do my Sudoku puzzles,

and then, like, once a week,

they make me come to one of these You Seminars.

It’s not great, but I know what to expect.

Look, kid, I’m not.

Can I just be honest with you?

I’m not Bjorn Borgenstein

or whatever his name is.

I’m not even a mentor.

Not a mentor?

Reverse psychology.

You really are a good shrink, Doctor.

Carl Jung already tried that.

Stop talking!

My unconscious mind hates you!

Is there any way

to show a different life in this place?