درس 01

Thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

I don’t necessarily agree with you, but I appreciate very much.

Well, this is a nice place.

This is easily the nicest place For many miles in every direction.

That’s how you compliment a building And sh@t on a town with one sentence.

It is odd around here, as I was driving here.

There doesn’t seem to be any difference Between the sidewalk and the street for pedestrians here.

People just kind of walk in the middle of the road.

I love traveling

And seeing all the different parts of the country.

I live in new york.

I live in a–

There’s no value to your doing that at all.

I live–

I live in new york.

I always–

Like, there’s this old lady in my neighborhood,

And she’s always walking her dog.

She’s always just she’s very old.

She just stands there just being old,

And the dog just fights gravity every day, just–

The two of them, it’s really.The dog’s got a cloudy eye, and she’s got a cloudy eye, And they just stand there looking at the street In two dimensions together, and–

And she’s always wearing, like, this old sweater dress.

I guess it was a sweater when she was, like, 5’10”, But now it’s just, like, this sweater.

And her legs are. her legs are a nightmare.

They’re just white with green streaks and bones sticking out.

Her legs are awful.

I saw a guy with no legs wheeling by, and he was like “yecch, no thank you. I do not want those. I’d rather just have air down here like I have Than to look down at that sh@t”.

I see these two all the time, and I always look at them, And I always think, “god, I hope she dies first”.

I do.

I hope she dies first, for her sake, Because I don’t want her to lose the dog.

I don’t think she’ll be able to handle it.

If she dies–

If the old lady dies first, I’m not worried about the dog Because the dog doesn’t even know about the old lady.

This dog is aware of three inches around his head.

He’s living in two-second increments.

The second he’s in and the one he just left Is all he knows about, But if he dies, this lady, she’s gonna be destroyed

Because this dog is all she has, And I know he’s all she has because she has him.

There’s no–

If she had one person in her life, She would not keep this piece of sh@t little dog.

Even if just some young woman in her building one morning Were to say, “good morning, gladys,”

She’d be like, “oh, good,”

And just flush him down the toilet, just

Poom! Poom!

The dog just keeps bumping on the drain.

Poom!

“eh” she gives up.

Ends up just sh@tting on her dog for the rest of her life.

P-p-p!

Poom!

You ever flush a pet down the toilet?

I had to flush my daughter’s fish down the toilet.

I came home, the fish was dead.

She wasn’t home from school yet, so I just flushed the fish, And that’s a weird moment, too, ‘cause fish live in water.

So you put it in the toilet, floats to the bottom, Like, “yeah, he’s dead,”

And then you flush, and it looks like he goes, “wait a second! Aw, sh@t!

“I was taking a nap! Jesus!

“you gotta be in constant motion To get any respect in this house”.

And then my daughter comes home.

“why did he die, da–”

Come on. What am I gonna say?

Why did he die?

Because who gives a sh@t?

That’s the reason.

That’s the actual reason, is because didn’t matter That he was alive.

That’s why he’s dead.

He didn’t know his name, and he didn’t love you back.

These are the facts about that fish’s life.

My daughter likes fish.

We took her to the aquarium.

I took both my kids to the aquarium in Boston, And we were looking at this seal, or sea lion.

I don’t know which one.

I don’t care.

I don’t think they need to be separate things.

I really don’t.

They don’t care, and we don’t care.

There’s, like, three scientists Who give a sh@t what we call all those things.

The scientists could go on tv tomorrow and say, “ok, everybody from now on, seals and sea lions and walruses, And–you know what?

Penguins are all seals now,” And we would all be like, “yeah, all right. Fine. Yes.

Whatever, man”.

Anyway, so we’re looking at this seal/sea lion thing, And he’s looking back at us through the plexiglas, And he’s going–

They’re really disgusting in person.

Most animals are when you really see them.

You ever go to a farm?

You think you’re gonna see little, white sheep Going, “baa,” but they’re all fat and sh@t-colored, And they’re like–

Jesus.

That thing is awful.

Anyway, seals don’t go

They go–

My daughter’s like, “what is he saying?”

I don’t know!

“I’m a slave!

Kill me!”