درس 02

Must be awful to be other kinds of stuff, You know?

I’m glad I’m this.

This is a pretty good deal when you consider the alternatives.

Anything else, any other kind of thing, you’re in the food chain.

You’re in the foodwe are out of the food chain.

I don’t know if we fully appreciate the fact That we got out of the food chain.

That is a massive upgrade Because for every other living thing, Life ends by being eaten.

That’s how all life ends, is every single life except human life, Every life ends like this.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

We’re the only ones that get to just die old in a bed, Just “mmm, I love you. Bye”.

I mean, imagine if we were still in the food chain On top of everything else.

Imagine if we were in the food chain.

It would just be another thing you gotta deal with.

You’re already having a bad day.

You wake in up in the morning.

You’re making breakfast.

You burn your toast, and it’s too late to try again, And your kid comes in and says, “beh,” and you’re like, “fine,”

And it’s just, “why?”

You get a thing in the mail That says that your phone’s different, And your mortgage is another company now.

What? I don’t get it!

Then you’re walking to work like, “why do I even bother?

“oh, sh@t! Goddamn it!

“There’s always fu@king cheetahs at the train station! Stop it!”

You think that sharks. do you think that sharks would be embarrassed If they knew that we could all see their fins sticking out the top of the water?

I think they’d be bummed ‘cause I don’t think sharks are aware of that at all.

I think sharks think they’re slick.

They swim around like, “hey, nobody has any idea what’s down here,”

And we’re all up here like, “there’s totally a shark right there”.

It wouldn’t be fun being a predator, either.

If you’re a predator, imagine if every time you’re hungry, You gotta chase a guy Who’s running for his life.

You gotta– “come on, dude!

sh@t, get over here!”

And just hold him down and bite his neck

Till he shuts the fu@k up for a minute So you can just sit there and eat his stomach Before you go to work.

That would really suck.

That’s why animals just they go, “let’s do this together, man.

“you chase the parents away. I am gonna eat the kid, and you circle back”.

That’s why they do it like that.

“fu@k it. I’m eating babies.

This is bullsh@t”.

“grownups ain’t worth the meat”.

Whoops, all right.

All right.

oh, sh@t.

Goddamn it.

Idiot.

This isn’t a gay voice, by the way.

It’s not.

Shut up.

yeah.

I live in new York city, and it’s ok there.

I live in a nice building.

I never lived in a nice place before.

When I was growing up, I had no money.

I mean, my mom didn’t.

Didn’t matter. I was a child.

But I’m not used to it ‘cause it’s nice.

There’s, like, a pretty courtyard With flowers and a fountain with little marble boys pissing.

I don’t know. What is it with fountains?

Like, all fountain sculptors are pedophiles, basically.

You can’t get a fountain made without–

“can you make me a fountain?”

“yes, I’ll get started right away!

“oh! Oh, yes!

Yes!

It’s finished!”

And it’s just little boys pissing on the face of a Greek god that looks like him a lot.

“ah, just piss on me forever!”

Anyway, there’s one of those in the courtyard of my building, And my first week in the building about a year ago, I went down to the courtyard for the first time, And I didn’t look too good, you know?

It was a Sunday morning.

That’s my least presentable hour.

There’s a lot of, you know, just stains, Just like, you know, food and me and whatever.

And so I’m sitting there.

So? Shut up.

Anyway, but so there I was.

I’m sitting on the stone bench of this courtyard And feeling a little out of place.

You know, there’s these fancy doormen and stuff, And then there’s this guy looking at me.

I notice he’s looking at me from across the courtyard, And he’s all spiffy-looking.

He’s got brown shoes, and he’s looking at me like, “hmm”.

I can tell he was thinking I don’t live in the building.

He thinks I just wandered in off the streets and sat in the courtyard.

I can tell he’s thinking of coming over and dealing with me on his own, and I’m sitting there thinking, Like, “oh, please do that. Yes. Please, come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on,”

And I’m trying to look even more gross, and I’m, like, pulling up my shirt, “uhh”.

And then I see him go, “oh, no. That’s not gonna do at all,”

And he comes over to me, “hmm,” and I’m like, “mm! Num num num!”

I’m so excited to have this thing, a confrontation Where I’m not wrong at all and he thinks I am.

So he comes over, says, “excuse me,

“do you live in this building?”

And I said, “no,”

‘cause why not start there?

I said, “no”.

He goes, “well then, what are you doing here?”

And I said, “I just need to rest. I’m having a hard time”.

He says, “this is private property,”

And I said, “well, I don’t really believe in that”.

You know, just the worst things I could say from his point of view Is basically all the things I was saying, And he goes, “well, if you don’t leave, I’m gonna talk to the doorman”.

I was like, “Can I just stay, like, five more hours?”

So he’s–“hmm, no,” and he goes over to the doorman And I see him talking about me to the doorman like this, And then I see the doorman going, “oh, no.

That guy lives here. It’s ok,”

Ah, and the look on his facemwah mwah! Num num! It was just soIt was this beautiful cocktail of anger and confusion.

It’s like I had invented a new way to hurt somebody’s feelings.

That’s how excited I was.