درس 05

I had my history in my life, you know?

I’ve been divorced for five years,

And it’s been the best part of my life, being divorced, Easily my favorite part of my life.

I love being divorced.

Every year has been better than the last.

That is the only time I can say that about, And by the way, I’m not saying don’t get married.

If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married, And then get divorced because that’s the best part.

It’s the best part.

Marriage is just like a larva stage for true happiness, Which is divorce, because you just let go and everything’s fine now.

Divorce is forever.

It really actually is.

Marriage is for how long you can hack it,

But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak.

Nobody ever says, “oh, my divorce is falling apart.

It’s over. I can’t take it”.

And again, if you’re in a good marriage, stay in it.

If you’re in the best marriage ever, stay in it.

I’m just saying, if you got out, it would be better.

That’s just a fact. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, but it’s true.

Everything’s better.

My ex-wife and I, This is the best part of our knowing each other.

We’re good co-parents because we live apart and we’re friends.

Our kids go to her half the week, they come to me half the week, and I’m a good father.

I’m an attentive, focused, and responsible father.

Do you know why?

‘Cause I get to say good-bye to these kids every week.

Are you sh@tting me?

It’s like every parent’s fantasy.

Who can’t be a good father for half of every week?

No matter how bad it gets, every Wednesday,I get to go, “good-bye, girls.

“Daddy’s gonna go upstairs and pour whiskey all over his naked body right now”.

“I’m gonna lay in my own filth Until two seconds before you come back here”.

That’s why I’m such a good dad.

My daughter was having a dance thing at her school.

They had this big dance.

Anyway, we all went, all the parents,

And everybody’s there, and everybody’s got their phone, Every single parent.

It was an amazing thing to watch ‘cause kids are dancing And every parent is standing there like this.

Every single person was blocking their vision Of their actual child with their phone, and the kids I went over by the stage and the kids–

There’s people holding iPads in front of their faces.

It looked like we’re all in the witness protection program.

Like, the kids can’t see their parents,

And everybody’s watching a sh@tty movie of something that’s happening ten feet Like, look at your fu@king kid.

The resolution on the kid is unbelievable if you just look.

It’s totally HD.

Why are you taping this?

You’re never gonna watch it.

In a million years, you’re not gonna watch videos Of your kids doing sh@t you missed

The first time it happened.

You don’t watch it.

You just put it on Facebook.

“Here, you watch it. I wanna take a nap now”.

And then you get to read all the comments.

Oh, my god!

It’s so cute!

Ngaah!”

And guess what?

They’re not watching it, either.

They’re not watching the video.

These kids are dancing for no one.

Nobody watches the videos on your Facebook.

They see the first frame of a kid and they go, “oh, that’s very nice.

Nobody’s watching your kids’ videos on Facebook,

I promise you.

I’ll prove it to you.

Don’t tape sh@t on your Life is short.

Life is very short.

I like life. I like it.

I feel like even if it ends up being short, I got lucky to have it ‘cause life is an amazing gift

When you think about what you get with a basic life, Not even a particularly lucky life or a healthy life.

If you have a life, that’s an ama–

Here’s your boilerplate deal with life.

This is basic cable, what you get when you get life.

You get to be on earth.

First of all–oh, my god what a location.

This is earth, and for trillions of miles in every direction, It fu@king sucks so bad.

It’s so sh@tty that your eyes bolt out of your head ‘cause it sucks so bad.

You get to be on earth and look at sh@t,

As long as you’re not blind or whatever it is.

You get to be here.

You get to eat food.

You get to put bacon in your mouth.

I mean, when you have bacon in your mouth, It doesn’t matter who’s president or anything, You just–“oh. Oh”.

Every time I’m eating bacon, I think, “I could die right now,” and I mean it!

That’s how good life is.