7بخش

I know what you’re thinking, Miss Campbell.

You’re thinking, “If we don’t pull this off, God knows what might happen to England.

Actually, I was thinking there must be a better way in than that pipe.

Well, there isn’t.

I’ve analysed it from every possible angle, and this is the best option.

I’ll go in first, and if there’s a clear way through, I’ll call down, Okay?

Johnny.

Be careful.

I’m always careful.

Gentlemen.

In a few hours’ time, I will become the next king of England.

No.

How did you get here?

Up the ladder.

Look, pull yourself together,

It’s only a bit of poo.

It’s cold, Oh, It’s cold!

What is the one commodity the world never seems to run out of?

Criminals, gentlemen.

Lawbreakers.

Every nation in the world struggles with the issue of overcrowded prisons.

So, what do we do with all these villains?

Find the solution to that problem and the governments of the world would pay you through their nose.

Fortunately, I have found a solution.

We empty every prison on the entire planet, we take the resulting tidal wave of human scum and we put it here.

The moment I am crowned King, I will turn England into the largest prison in the history of the world.

210,000 square miles of prime real estate, conveniently separated from true civilisation by 20 miles of ocean and soon to be available.

For the entire world to dump its human waste in.

According to current projections, we will not run out of prison space for the next 500 years.

So, tonight, one, and only one, of you will leave here owning 49% of this venture.

So that’s his little game, We must get hold of that DVD.

But how, Johnny, There’s only two of us.

You’re young, Miss Campbell, and inexperienced.

What you seem to have forgotten is that nobody knows we are here.

At our disposal, we have the vital element of surprise.

Now, my plan is simple but effective.

I shall drop from the gallery at this end of the room and take Sauvage prisoner.

You will then enter from the far door, cutting off any means of escape.

Then, using Sauvage as a hostage, we’ll get the hell out of here, Clear?

Get ‘em up, you French ponce.

But, Mr English, I’m gobsmacked!

What an unexpected surprise.

Surprises are very much my speciality, Sauvage.

I think we’ve seen enough of this.

I know exactly what you’re planning, and I’m here to put a stop to it.

My bottom will be king of England before you are.

Wrong again.

Perhaps you’d care to look behind you.

Oh, please.

Lorna!

I’m sorry, Johnny.

Well, I’m afraid that we’ll have to conclude the floor show for tonight.

Not so fast, Sauvage.

You may have taken me, but you’ll never take England.

Not as long as I have breath in my body or a bullet in my gun.

You know, Mr English, I’m going to miss you, Really.

You’re very entertaining, I thank you.

Take them away.

Good morning, everybody!

And welcome to The Breakfast Show.

As the crowds are gathering here for the crowning of our first French king since the year 1066, we ask you to call us here at London FM with the top 10 things you most love about the French.

We haven’t had any calls yet, at all, but the lines are still open and I’ll give you that number again.

This is not good, Johnny.

We’ve got to think of something.

Wait a minute, I’ve got an idea.

Now, are you familiar with the shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan delta?

What?

It has long been their belief that a whistle pitched at the precise resonant frequency of a metal lock will vibrate the levers in such a way that the door will simply swing open.

Unbelievable.

And kneel.

Right, Here goes.

I can’t hear anything.

I’m into ultrasonic.

Johnny, will you just stop all this and face facts?

We’ve failed, The only thing that can save us now is a miracle.

It worked!

Sir?

I don’t know why you hauled yourself up that dreadful poo tube, Bough, when there’s a perfectly good ladder right beside it.

Now, Sauvage may have fooled the country with his fake Archbishop and his secret agenda, but he hasn’t fooled me.

So, here’s the plan.