2بخش

Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz also watched ‘The Noblets’.

Max’s small television had picture but no sound.

His big television, sound but no picture.

He was 44 and liked The Noblets as they lived in a delineated and articulated social structure with constant adherent conformity and also because they had oodles of friends.

Max had trouble sleeping and had spent the night watching television and catching fish food.

He noted to himself it was the sixth fly he’d caught this evening.

He wondered if he should go to bed and count sheep or have one more chocolate hot dog.

He thought he’d try both but it didn’t work.

It had been 6 hours and 12 minutes since Henry VIII had passed away.

And Henry’s death had thrown Max’s life into disarray.

It had become asymmetrical and the sooner he got a new fish, the better.

Tomorrow he would go to the pet store and get another Henry.

Henry IX.

Next.

It was shopping day and Mary sat patiently while her mother borrowed some envelopes.

To fill in time, she scanned the room and counted how many things were brown.

There was sticky tape, rubber bands and a phone book with a picture of a lady standing in a brown lake with her hand on fire.

People had weird names in America, Mary Daisy Dinkle thought to herself.

Funny-sounding people called Rockefeller and Finkelstein.

She wondered what they looked like, how old they were and if they were married, wore glasses or had found babies in their beer.

Maybe in the USA they found babies elsewhere.

They drank a lot of cola.

Maybe they found them in cans.

But, no, they wouldn’t fit through the hole.

Mary had an idea.

She would write to one of the Americans and ask where babies came from.

She chose a Mr M Horowitz.

Mrs Dinkle!

Come back here, Vera Dinkle!

You come back here!

Dear Mr M Horowitz, my name is Mary Daisy Dinkle and I am 8 years old, 3 months and 9 days.

My favourite colour is brown and my favourite food is sweetened condensed milk followed closely by chocolate.

I have a rooster called Ethel, that looks like this.

He doesn’t lay eggs but will one day.

My mother likes smoking, cricket and sherry and my father likes playing in his shed with dead birds.

Where do babies come from in America?

Do they come from cola cans?

In Australia they are found in beer glasses.

Here is a drawing of me.

I can’t draw ears proper but I’m good at teeth.

It would be great if you could write back and be my friend.

Yours sincerealy, Mary Daisy Dinkle.

PS.I hope you like the chocolate bar I’m also sending.

It’s called a Cherry Ripe.

Goodbye, letter.

Don’t forget to write.

Max hated Thursdays the day of his weekly Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

And tonight he’d felt especially unsettled because he’d eaten two chocolate hot dogs on his way there.

OK, class.

Eating chocolate was breaking the rules.

He’d found the night even more unbearable because of Marjorie Butterworth’s strange glances.

Class dismissed.

Max had trouble understanding non-verbal signals.

Flirting was as foreign to him as jogging.

But little did Max realise

his night was about to become even more confusing and cryptic.

He read Mary’s letter four times and then did what he normally did whenever confronted with something new and stressful.

Max’s fragile existence had once again become unsettled.

And after staring out of the window for 18 hours he finally made a decision.

Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle, thank you for the letter, which I opened and read at 9/17pm after my Overeaters Anonymous class.

I am trying to lose weight because my psychiatrist, Dr Bernard Hazelhof, says a healthy body equals a healthy mind.

He says my mind is not that healthy.

Your drawing is an interesting visual portrayal of yourself.

I have never met anyone from Australia.

Firstly, I will answer your question.

Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans.

I asked my mother when I was four and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis.

If you aren’t Jewish, they’re laid by Catholic nuns.

If you’re an atheist, they’re laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.

So this is where babies come from in America.

I share my home with a fish, some snails, whom I have named after famous scientists a parakeet called Mr Biscuit and, finally, a cat called Hal.

‘Hal’ is an abbreviation for halitosis, from which he suffers.

He followed me home after a gang of children shot his eye out with a beebee gun.

Do you have a pet kangaroo?

When I was born, my father left my mother and me on a kibbutz.

She shot herself with my uncle’s gun when I was six.

Do you like chocolate hot dogs?

I invented the recipe for them and can send it to you.

When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli.

My psychiatrist says I don’t need him anymore so he just sits in the corner and reads.

Last week I picked up 128 cigarette butts.

People are always littering in New York.

I do not understand why people break laws.

Butts are bad because they wash out to sea and fish smoke them and become nicotine dependent.

I am just joking because, of course, it is impossible for a cigarette to remain lit underwater.

Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in.

I am 44 years old

and have 8 tracksuits the same colour and size.

I weigh 352 lb and am as tall as a 6-foot tree.

Welcome to the New York Lottery!

I enjoy entering the lottery and have chosen the same numbers for 9 years.

Those numbers are 3, 1, 5, ,4 ,6 ,25, 9, 2, 11, 7,

And 12- 8.

Are you a winner?

Or a loser?

I have had many different jobs during my life.

My first job was collecting subway tokens in the subway.

My second job was at Yiddel’s Gourmet Kosher Supplies where I worked at the machine that made pre-packaged noodle kugels.

I was born Jewish and used to believe in God but I’ve since read many books that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination.

People like to believe in God because it answers complicated questions like where did the universe come from, do worms go to heaven do worms go to heaven and why do old ladies have blue hair?

Even though I’m an atheist,

I still wear my yarmulke as it keeps my brain warm.

My third job was for a company that printed logos on novelty items.

I worked at the frisbee printing machine.

A frisbee is a circular plastic disc that people throw at each other.

It is like a boomerang

but it does not come back.

My fourth job was when I was called up for jury duty.

I didn’t get paid much but got free cookies and coffee.

Jurors are outstanding members of the community who haven’t murdered anybody.

I made it to the short list for a trial where a man killed all his friends at his own surprise birthday party.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get selected because they found out I’d been a mental patient at one point.

Have you ever been hang gliding?

My fifth job was as a garbage collector.

I got to clean up after litterbugs and didn’t have to talk to anybody.

Sometimes I used to pretend I was an intergalactical robot.