3بخش

This is 911.

Your call has been placed in a queue.

One time the police took me in for questioning but let me go when they decided I wasn’t a threat to anybody except myself.

The sixth job I had was for the United States Army in the stationery supply department.

Because I am good with numbers I had to work out how many ballpoint pens the Army needed.

One day they did a security check and asked whether I was a member of any radical groups.

I told them I was a member of the New York Science Fiction Fan Club.

They said this didn’t count but dismissed me anyway.

Fortunately, I did not remember to tell them I was once a communist.

Have you ever been a communist?

Have you ever been attacked by a crow or similar large bird?

When I was 9, a crow attacked me on my way to school.

I had to have three stitches and in spring I now wear a helmet with eyes I have painted on.

People laugh at me when I wear my helmet.

I’m not sure why.

People often confuse me but I try not to let them worry me.

New York is a very busy and noisy place.

I would prefer to live somewhere much quieter like the moon.

I don’t like crowds, bright lights, sudden noises or strong smells.

New York has all these especially the smells.

I often wear nose and ear plugs when I go outside.

It helps keep me calm.

I find humans interesting but I have trouble understanding them.

I think, however, I will understand and trust you.

You appear very happy and I think you would smell like a shrimp as I know Australia has a lot of shrimps.

Can you speed-read?

I have taught myself to read two pages at once one eyeball per page.

I have to go now even though I have not told you about my 7th job, in a condom factory.

Write back soon.

Your American friend, Max Jerry Horowitz.

PS.Please find enclosed a photo from one of those booths.

PPS.Thank you for the Cherry Ripe and I am glad you like chocolate as much as I do.

I have never eaten sweetened condensed milk but I will try some this week.

PPPS.I have never used a condom.

Gey gezunterheyt.

Max hoped Mary would write again.

He’d always wanted a friend.

A friend that wasn’t invisible, a pet or rubber figurine.

He counted the stars and wondered how many days, hours, minutes it would take his letter to reach Australia.

Vera was not impressed not impressed at all.

This nutcase would not be her daughter’s penfriend, she thought.

There was enough ugliness in the world.

Mary would be home from school in an hour enough time for another cup of tea and a bit of cricket to soothe the nerves and dissolve the memory of Max’s letter from her pickled mind.

Yeah, he’s out.

Unbelievable.

Stop!

Wait!

Hey, fellas, you got room for one more bag?

Sure, Mrs Dinkle.

Hop in!

Good one, Kevin!

Come on, Vera.

We’ve got some other bags to pick up!

Mary, is that all the rubbish?

Yep!

See ya, Toots!

Sweet baby Jesus.

Even though Max’s letter smelt like fish heads and orange peel, Mary drank his words like a bowl of alphabet soup and hadn’t been this excited since Grandpoppy Ralph had found a coin up her nose.

She wrote back immediately on some butchers’ paper she’d stolen from some chops.

Dear Max, I’m so excited you’ve wroted back.

I don’t think my parents like you so from now on send stuff to my neighbour Len Hislop at 26 Lamington Drive, Mt Waverley.

He’s old with no legs.

They got chew’d’ed off in World War ll when some Japanese peoples kept him in a cage above piranhas.

Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth.

He’s scared of outside, which is a disease called homophobia.

He’s started giving me 50 cents a week to get his mail.

I’m saving to buy a castle in Scotland and marry a man called Earl Grey.

Do you get ‘The Noblets’ in America?

Well, my favourite Noblet is Vanity Noblet.

He wants to be everyone’s friend, even the boys!

In your letter, you said you had no friends.

Well, neither do I.

and called me poo face cuse of my birthmark.

I wish I could peel it off like a band-aid.

He also laughed ‘cos I had no buttons.

Ethel pecked them off and Mum couldn’t thread a needle ‘cos she’d been testing the sherry so she used pegs instead.

When I got home, I climbed into my secret place till dinner time.

The other kids also laugh at my haircut.

Dad has to cut my hair because mum says real hairdressers sell your hair to Chinamen who stuff mattresses.

My teacher, Mrs Pendergast, says I should smile more.

I told my mum and so she drawed a big smile on me.

I don’t think Mrs Pendergast likes me anymore.

I better go now.

My tears are smudgling my words.

Your friend in Australia, Mary Daisy Dinkle.

PS.Have you ever been teased?

Can you help me?

PSS.I’ve never been hang gliding before or been a ‘commune-ist’ but would love a frisbee and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.

PSSS.I’m sending you some Australian chocolate, a pompom I made and a cake called a lamington, which I was meant to eat for lunch.