5بخش

Max had recovered.

And life was balanced, safe and symmetrical once again.

But Mary still lingered in his mind.

Half of him wanted to write to her immediately.

The other half didn’t want to end up a mental patient again.

At least there was always Mr Ravioli to be friends with.

He was a much safer option.

He wondered what Mary was doing right now.

But she was far from content and struggled on by herself, saving her money for a rainy day.

Life went on as usual for Max and even though he opted for order and stability, misfortune was never far away.

Luckily, his manslaughter charges were dismissed because he was labelled mentally deficient and unlikely to have a motive for killing a mime artist unlike most people.

From then on, Max cooled himself differently and things went back to normal until after his 48th birthday, when his numbers finally came up.

Welcome to the New York Lottery and these are tonight’s winning numbers 3, 5, 6, 9, 11 and 12!

Max was sensible with his sudden wealth and had bought a lifetime supply of chocolate and the complete Noblet collection.

Two of his life goals had come true.

But he still had a lot of money so decided to give it to Ivy who was also very sensible until her own numbers came up.

Ivy willed everything to the local cat shelter, whose owner relocated her kind donation to his bank account, his wife’s new breasts, a Ferrari and enough fuel to get to Mexico.

Despite achieving all his life’s goals, Max still felt incomplete.

Mr Ravioli just wasn’t cutting the mustard anymore and seemed more interested in his self-help books.

Mary had given Max a taste of real friendship and there was just no comparison.

She missed him too but no longer saved to see him.

She now saved for a different reason.

One day Mr Ravioli got up, left and never came back.

Max sought Dr Hazelhof’s advice.

He told Max that true friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eyes, and that it was time he wrote to Mary to reveal his true self, warts and all.

Max understood.

Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle, there is something I have to tell you which will explain why I have not written.

Each time I received one of your letters, I had a severe anxiety attack.

This is because recently, while I was in a mental institution, they diagnosed that I have a new thing called Asperger’s syndrome, which is a neurobiological, pervasive, developmental disability.

I prefer Aspie for short.

I will now list some of the traits of an Aspie.

No.1 I find the world very confusing and chaotic because my mind is very literal and logical.

2 - I have trouble understanding the expressions on people’s faces.

When I was younger, I made a book to help me when I was confused.

I still have trouble with some people.

Ivy was hard to understand because of her wrinkles and because her eyebrows weren’t real.

3 - I have bad handwriting, am hypersensitive clumsy and can get very concerned.

4 - I like solving problems. Ivy said this is a good thing.

And finally No.5 - I have trouble expressing my emotions.

Dr Bernard Hazelhof says my brain is defective but one day there will be a cure for my disability.

I do not like it when he says this.

I do not feel disabled, defective or I need to be cured.

I like being an Aspie.

It would be like trying to change the colour of my eyes.

There is one thing I wish I could change, however.

I wish I could cry properly.

I squeeze and squeeze but nothing comes out.

I cry when I cut onions but this does not count.

Anyway, do you like the word ‘cumquat’?

It is a type of fruit.

Do you have a favourite-sounding word?

My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee, Vladivostok, banana and testicle.

I have also invented some new words ‘confuzzled’, which is being confused and puzzled at the same time, ‘snirt’, which is a cross between snow and dirt, and ‘smushables’ which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the bag.

I have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people asking them to include my words so tonight I have decided to rub onions under my armpits to repel her.

Your friend in America, Max Jerry Horowitz.

PS.Please find enclosed some chocolate-covered ants I found at the deli.

PPS.Not much has happened since I last wrote except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win and Ivy’s death.

Mary was thrilled Max had finally written and suddenly had a fabulous idea.