Bart Gets an F

Bart

There will be no further interruptions during Martin’s book report

Never have I seen a greater or more noble thing than you, brother

Come on and kill me I do not care who kills who”

To catch a fish, to kill a bull, to make love to a woman

To live I thank you

Oh Absolutely brilliant

There were moments I truly believed you were Hemingway

Bravo, Martin

Oh please, call me Papa

Little ketchup for your buns, Papa

All right, class, all right

I think we have time for one more report

Bart Simpson

Is your book report on “Treasure Island” ready

Is it ready

Ha, what a question

Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled

Well, as Mrs Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I read was “Treasure Island”

It’s about these pirates Pirates with patches over their eyes and shiny gold teeth and green birds on their shoulders

Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Louis Stevenson And published by the good people at McGraw Hill

So in conclusion, on the Simpsons’ scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, one being the lowest, and five being average, I give this book a nine

Any questions

No Then I’ll just sit down

Bart, did you read the book

Mrs Krabappel, I am insulted

Is this a book report or a witch hunt

Then perhaps you’d like to tell us the name of the pirate

Blackbeard

Captain Nemo

Captain Hook Long

John Silver

Peg Leg Pete

Bluebeard

Bluebeard

Sit down, Bart I’ll see you after class

Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term

Are you aware of that

Yes, ma’am

Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on Colonial America

Yes, ma’am

Blah, blah, blah, blah

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Yes, ma’am

Blah, blah

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah blah

Yes, ma’am

Bart You haven’t been paying attention to a word I said, have you

Yes, ma’am

Well then what did I say

Uhhh straighten up and fly right

That was a lucky guess

Whoa, take that, Granny

Oh, hide in the closet

Oh no, deadly mothballs

Ooo Granny killing me

You have reached the level of ungrateful grandchild

Try again, if you dare

Heh heh heh

Heh heh heh

Just a couple more games and I’ll hit the books

Soup’s on

Hurry up, or it’ll get that icky skin on the top

Eww, I hate that icky soup skin

Okay, right after dinner, it’s down to business

Mmmm Marge, Could you get me another beer, please

In a second, Homer Lisa has some good news

He doesn’t care, Mom

Sure I do I just want to have a beer while I’m caring

Marge

Homer

Go ahead, Lisa

Well, okay I got an A on my vocabulary test

What

You did

Well, that’s just oh, what a glorious day

Lisa, hand me your paper

I’m just gonna take this over to the refrigerator and, hmmm

Well as long as I’m here, I might as well kill two birds with one stone

What’s the big idea

You covered up my paper

Look at those funny little whiskers

Oooo That reminds me

It’s Big Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie

C’mon boy

No, Dad, I should really

Whoop Oooh, “Gorilla, The Conqueror”

The granddaddy of them all

Ah well, maybe just one more hour

It’s so unfair just because he’s different

Well, time to hit the books

Burning the candle at both ends, eh boy

Go get ‘em

All right, okay, let’s take care of some business

“Chapter One: A Dream of Freedom

On September fifteenth, sixteen-twenty, Puritan separatists from the Church of England, some living in Holland, left Plymouth, England Their destination was

Psst Marge Come take a look at this

Oh The little tiger tries so hard

Why does he keep failing

Just a little dim, I guess

Bart, honey you’re going to miss your bus

Uh-oh

Hey, Bart-dude

Whoa, you look freaked

Hey, Otto-man I’ve got a big test that I am not ready for

Could you please crash the bus or something

Oh, sorry little buddy

Can’t do it on purpose

But hey, maybe you’ll get lucky

Okay, no reason to panic

Find an egghead, pump him for some answers, and boom, I’m back on easy street

Look at him I bet he didn’t study again

And now he’s gonna try to kiss up and get answers from us

He’s pathetic

Good morning, girls

Good morning, Bart

Say who’s up for a little cram session

I’ll go first

What was the name of the pilgrim’s boat

The Spirit of St Louis

And where did they land

Sunny Acapulco

Why’d they leave England

Giant rats

Cool History’s coming alive

As a natural enemy, I don’t know why I should care, but the information pertaining to America’s colonial period that you just received is erroneous

So you’re saying

A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do

Thanks for the pep talk

Alright students, take one and pass the rest back

Think Simpson, think Crisis brings out the best in you

Oh Ooooo

What is it, Bart

Nothing must take test

Ooooo

What’s the matter, son

Sharp, stabbing pains in my stomach

Oh dear, I’ve heard of this

“Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm”

Both arms, ma’am

“Temporary loss of vision”

Who said that

Come closer

Yes, dear

Uh maybe uh, one more dish

Make it double cappuccino chocolate fudge

Oooh, your third bowl

I think you may be on the mend

Is there anything else I can get you

Hmmm, perhaps the TV

Of course Homer

What

Bring the television up

Bart’s got his vision back

I wish I had Amoria Phlebitis

Everyone knows you’re faking it, Bart

Well, everyone better keep their mouths shut

You’re gonna have to fail that history test sooner or later

I’ve got my bases covered

Hey Milhouse, what did I miss in school today

Nothing much

Lewis made Richard laugh milk through his nose

Oh, you don’t say

What about that history test

Huh Piece of cake, huh

So listen, what’d you get for Number one

Uh huh Number two

Oh yeah, that sounds right

Here you go, Mrs Krabappel

I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised

Why, this test is worse than Milhouse’s exam

Bart Simpson, I warned you

This is the final straw

Mr and Mrs Simpson, I think you know our District Psychiatrist, Dr J Loren Pryor

Hey, Dr J

I think what we have on our hands here is a classic case of what laymen refer to as fear of failure

As a result, Bart is an underachiever

And yet he seems to be how should I put this

Proud of it

Hmmm

One of his problems may be his short attention span, which can lead to

Blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah, blah

Hmmm huh

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Hmmmm

Bart has failed his last four exams in history

Is there anything you’re not telling us

No

Every other student in the class has shown at least some form of improvement and yet you continue to struggle

Why is that

I dunno

Look at these results

Fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six a twelve on State capitals

Okay okay Why are we dancing around the obvious

I know it

You know it I am dumb

Okay

Dumb as a post

Do you think I’m happy about it

There, there, Bart

You’re just a late bloomer

Oh I wish it were that simple

As shameful and as emotionally crippling as it may be, I’m afraid my recommendation is for Bart Simpson to repeat the fourth grade

What You can’t hold me back

I’ll do better, I promise

Well, maybe it would help him to be left back

It won’t be so bad, Bart

No, I mean it

You can’t hold me back

I swear

I’m gonna do better

Look at my eyes

See the sincerity, see the conviction, see the fear

As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade

And if you don’t, at least you’ll be bigger than the other kids

Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes

Otto, you know

I respect you

I mean you always let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns

Damn thing never goes over, does it

So what’s in your head, little man

Well, I’ve been failing a lot of tests recently

Yuh huh

And now they’re talking about holding me back in the fourth grade if I don’t shape up

That’s it

Hey, relax man

It could end up being the best thing that ever happened to you

I got held back in the fourth grade myself, twice

And look at me, man

Now I drive the school bus

I’m afraid my recommendation is for Bart Simpson to repeat the fourth grade

Repeat the fourth grade

Repeat the fourth grade

Repeat the fourth grade

All right, class the topic is World Literature

What was the pirate’s name in “Treasure Island”

Bart Simpson

Look, lady I got a peptic ulcer, a wife hocking me for a new car, and I need a root canal

Will you quit bugging me about this stupid pirate Long John Silver, Dad

I heard that Bart, Jr

I want to see both of you after class today

Thanks a lot, son

Yo Little help

I said little help

Throw me the ball, Poindexter

Oh, I’m sorry, Bart

I’m unfamiliar with the rules of your sport

I didn’t want to interfere with a ball in play

Well, back to the forecastle of the Pequod

Hm, hey, Martin

You have your ball back

I have nothing else of value

I need you to help me get a passing grade

Well, you do need someone’s help to get a passing grade but I don’t know why that someone should be me

Because I can make it so the other kids don’t laugh at you so much

They laugh at me I’d always considered myself rather popular

You’re not

Watch

Then my-my speed with numbers my years of service as a hall monitor my prize winning diaramas these things mean nothing to them

Perhaps another demonstration

Very well You have made your point, Bart

Then it’s a deal

Yes

All righty Let’s have a look-see at your study area

Study area

Yes, your-your sanctuary from the hurly-burly of modern life

Well, there’s a desk under that junk over there

Oh No, no, no, no

This won’t do at all

We’re gonna have to clean up this room

And we’ll clearly need a few ferns in here

No study area is complete without adequate plant-life

No

No

Only geeks sit in the front seat

From now on you sit in the back row

And that’s not just on the bus

It goes for school and church, too

Why

So no one can see what you’re doing

Oooh I think I understand

The potential for mischief varies inversely with one’s proximity to the authority figure

Well yeah, but don’t say it like that

Pretty soon you will be ready to try it with a real book

Who would have thought that pushing a boy into the girls’ lavatory could be such a thrill

The screams, the humiliation, the fact that it wasn’t me

I’ve never felt so alive

Great, Martin

Now, the big test is tomorrow and I haven’t even started to study

Who cares about some test Life’s too short for tests

Hey I thought we had a deal

The Martin Prince you made a deal with no longer exists

Come on fellows, to the arcade

Bart, it’s past your bedtime

Okay

This is hopeless

Well, old timer I guess this is the end of the road

I know I haven’t always been a good kid

But if I have to go to school tomorrow, I’ll fail the test and be held back

I just need one more day to study, Lord I need your help

Prayer, the last refuge of a scoundrel

A teacher’s strike, a power failure, a blizzard

Anything that’ll cancel school tomorrow

I know it’s asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, you can

Thanking you in advance, your pal, Bart Simpson

Wake up Bart, rise and shine, little guy

Time to wake up

Oh No, no

Wake up and look at the snow

Huh

Whoa, Good morning, world

Rise and shine Springfield residents It’s the Bill and Marty Show

He’s Bill

He’s Marty

Two grown men who can’t get enough of each other

And it looks like we’ve got some snowformation for all those flake lovers out there

Hmmm hmmm

Springfield Electric, Gas and Water plants are closed for the day

Oh now, don’t forget the nuclear power plant, Bill That’s closed too

Whoo hoo

All right

And now for all you youngsters, you toddlers, this is what you’ve been waiting for Springfield County schools are

I can’t read it, I’m too excited

Oh, oh Springfield County Schools will be closed

Please please please please please please please

All right

Yeah

owabunga

Remember to take a break if your arms go numb

Hey

I heard you last night, Bart

You prayed for this

Now your prayers have been answered

I’m no theologian I don’t know who or what God is exactly

All I know is He’s a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together and you owe him big

You’re right I asked for a miracle and I got it I gotta study, man

I’m not missin’anything

Frozen earlobes, trudging up that stupid sled hill over and over again how good could it be

I haven’t had this much fun in years

Got ya, Burnsie

Why you young ragamuffin

I was never one to back away from a snowball fight

Smithers, you may fire at will

Certainly, sir

I hereby declare this day to be “Snow Day” The funnest day in the history of Springfield “SLEIGH BELLS RING

ARE YOU LISTENIN’

IN THE LANE

SNOW IS GLISTENIN’

A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT

WE’RE HAPPY TONIGHT

WALKIN’ IN A WINTER WONDERLAND”

“GONE AWAY IS THE BLUEBIRD

HERE TO STAY

Gotta study Gotta study Gotta study

“Chapter Six: Four Days in Philadelphia

The first Continental Congress faced a difficult job

Could the delegates agree on recommendations that all Americans could support “We hold these truths to be self-evident

“We hold these truths to be self-evident

We hold these truths to be self-evident”

“That all men are created equal”

“That all men are created equal” “That from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable”

Hey, look everybody

It’s snowing

In the middle of July

It’s a miracle

Fellas, I’ve invented something fun the sled

Hey, look everybody John Hancock’s writing his name in the snow

Do you want to be held back a grade

Concentrate, man

Later, Mrs K

Please turn in your exam, Bart

Class is over

Do you think you could grade it now, please

Well, all right

Let me get “Old Red”

Well, Bart It’s a fifty-nine That’s another F

Oh no, I can’t believe it

I know, I know Another year together

Ugh It’s gonna be hell

Bart, what’s the matter

I would think that you’d be used to failing by now

No, you don’t understand

I really tried this time I really tried

There, there

This is as good as I can do

And I still failed

Well, a fifty-nine it’s a high F

Who am I kidding

I really am a failure

Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754 What

Oh you know 1754, the famous defeat to the French

My God, Bart You’re right

So

You just demonstrated applied knowledge

And due to the difficulty and relative obscurity of the reference you deserve an extra point on your exam

Hey, it’s only fair

You mean I passed

Just barely

I passed I got a D minus

I passed

All right

I passed I passed I passed I passed

I got a D minus I passed

I got a D minus I passed

I got a D minus I passed I passed

I kissed the teacher

Peh, peh, peh peh

We’re proud of you boy

Thanks, Dad

But part of this D minus belongs to God