Oh Brother, Where Art Thou

مجموعه تلوزیونی: خانواده سیمپسون / فصل: فصل دوم / اپیزود 15

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou

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Oh Brother, Where Art Thou

Well then, let’s move on to new business. Have you taken care of McBain?

You don’t have to worry, Senator Mendoza. By now our “dear friend” McBain has met with a - shall we say - unfortunate accident.

Excellent. With McBain out of the way, nothing can stop us!… Any more new business?

Only your death.

McBain!!

Meeting adjourned.

Two-fifty for this?

What a gyp!

You certainly broke up that meeting.

Right now I’m thinking about holding another meeting… in bed.

Oh, McBain.

“THE RULES THAT CONSTRAIN OTHER MEN / MEAN NOTHING TO MCBAIN…

Booo.

THE PUNCHES THAT BRING PAIN TO OTHER MEN/ “

I want to see the manager!

The screen was too small.

The floor was sticky.

The romantic subplot felt tacked on.

In short, we demand a refund!

Sorry, it’s against our policy.

I’ll policy you, you–

Hey, don’t have a heart attack, old dude.

Don’t you… tell… me… what to do… you… young… whipper… snap-per.

… And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a single proven fatality, at least in this country. Amen.

Very nicely said, Homer.

Dad, Bart ate a green bean during the blessing.

How do you know unless you opened your eyes during the blessing?

Eating is worse than opening eyes.

Is not.

Is too.

Is not.

Is too.

Is not.

Is too.

Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn’t get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college.

Da-ad!…

Not one word.

I thought I said knock it off!

We didn’t say anything.

Not one word.

Well, no panta-ma-mime, either.

Telephone, Homer.

It’s the hospital.

The hospital? Y’ello… Oh my God!

Homer, I’m happy to say that your father only had a mild arrhythmia.

Mild?! There wasn’t anything mild about it! Now get back to the pharmacy, you quack.

Oh, with that feisty attitude, you’ll bury us all, Grampa Simpson.

Pull your chair closer, my son.

What is it, Da –

P.U.! Not that close! Ish. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I’m going to die someday.

Oh Dad, you and your imagination.

There’s something I think you should know. Homer, you have a half-brother.

A half-brother?

Huh uh. It all happened while I was courting your mother…

I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival when I first saw her…

Hey, Handsome, want to dunk the clown?

She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money.

A year later, the carnival came back to town and she had a little surprise for me.

We left the baby at the Shelbyville orphanage, and I never saw him again. A year later, I married your mother and we had you.

Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. He must never know about that, that… carnival incident.

Okay.

Promise you won’t tell him.

I promise.

Whoops! Forget what I just told you.

What are you blubbering about?

This makes me feel special, Dad. Since I’m the one you kept, that must mean you really love me.

Hmmm… Interesting theory.

I’m going to find my brother. I don’t care what it takes. If I have to move heaven and earth, I’m going to find him!

Yeah, right. Good luck.

A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian!

So, any idea where this bastard lives?

Bart!

Well his parents aren’t married, are they? It’s the correct word, isn’t it?

I guess he’s got us there.

BASTARD, BASTARD / BASTARD, BASTARD / BASTARD, BASTARD

Bart!

Bart!

BASTARD / BASTARD, BASTARD!

Twen… forty-eight. This is it.

Excuse me, is this an orphanage?

Ooo, you’re a little late, pal. They tore down the orphanage thirty odd years ago.

Thirty years! I’ll never find him. I’m doomed to walk through this life alone. Oh brother, where art thou?!

Take it easy, buddy. They moved across the street.

Oh. Hee, hee. Sorry.

I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson.

I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother –

Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, I wish I could help you but we’re looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?

Hmmm, according to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.

Herbert. Herbert Powell. Great! Where can I find him?

I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to release that information.

Oh please, please, this is my life we’re talking about here. Please…

Well, I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all, your brother could be anywhere. Even Detroit.

I know, he could be anywhere! That’s why I want you to narrow it down! Please…

You know Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the City of Brotherly Love isn’t Philadelphia… it’s Detroit.

Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless, excuse for a human being I ever…

Read between the lines, you fool.

Oh, oh… I get it. Okay. Here’s twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?

Mr. Simpson, I don’t want your –

Just take it and tell me!

Detroit. He lives in Detroit.

Fine. Thank you.

Let’s see, Powell, Powell… Powell… Pomerant, Poole, Popkin, Potter, Quigley, Quimby, Randolph… whoops, too far. Here it is, Powell.

Any luck, Homie?

No, I’ve called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit. Nothing.

Well, you want to try that H. Powell?

H! Of course. That could stand for Herbert! It’s a long shot, but…

Y’ello.

Hello, is this H. Powell of Detroit, Michigan?

Yeah.

By any chance does the H stand for Herbert?

Yeah.

Woo woo! The H stands for Herbert! Herb, were you adopted?

Yeah.

From the Shelbyville Orphanage?

How did you know that?

Because… … I’m your baby brother, Homer!

Hello? Hello? Hello? Stupid phone!

Hey, hey, knock it off! I’m here! I was just silent because of the emotion involved.

Oh, sorry.

Homer, I think we need to get together.

Okay, Brother! Grab the next plane to Springfield. We got a couch that folds out…

Uh, I’ll tell you what…

Why don’t you come here?

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Just a little further. Just a little further. Just a little further. Just a little further.

Bart! Lisa! If you don’t behave, we’ll turn this car right around and go home.

But Marge, I want to see my brother–

Oh for God’s sakes, Homer, it’s an empty threat.

Oh.

Did you know you were going… Oh, sorry, sir. I didn’t know it was you.

That’s okay, carry on. See the way I handled that, Marge?

What does it look like?

Every day we’re losing ground to the Japanese, and I want to know why!

Uh… unfair trade practices?

Mushy-headed one-worlders in Washington?

Uh, some sort of gypsy curse?

I’m tired of excuses! Why did I ever hire you Harvard deadheads?

Because you went there, sir?

Yeah, but Mommy and Daddy didn’t pay my way. I had to work my way through, washing your dishes and scrubbing your toilets!

Oh, yeah, now I remember you.

Have you come up with a name for our new economy model?

You’re gonna love this, Chief. The “Persephone!”

“Persephone?” What the hell kind of name is “Persephone?”

She was the Greek Goddess of Spring and rebirth.

And get this, sir. She was carried off to Hades by the King of the Underworld. While there, she ate six pomegranates…

People don’t want cars named after hungry old Greek broads. They want names like “Mustang” and “Cheetah” – vicious animal names. The problem with you guys is you’ve forgotten your roots. You, what are your roots?

Well, I guess you could say they extend to when the Angles met the Saxons.

In other words, when white met bread.

Sir, we’d love to know what your roots are and what they have to teach us.

I have no roots. All I know is that, I’m just a… lonely guy.

Marge, this can’t be the right address.

Hello in there.

Homer?

Herb?

Homer! Homer! Welcome to my home, Brother!

Holy moly! The bastard’s rich!

Herb, allow me to introduce my family. This is my wife, Marge…

Hello.

Hello. You old dog, she’s gorgeous!

Thank you.

… and our three children, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.

Hello, sir.

Hello, Mr. Powell

All born in wedlock?

Yeah, though the boy was a close call.

So, Lisa, are you the little hell-raiser your father told me about?

No, sir. I can assure you I am not.

I’m the little hell-raiser, sir.

Would you like to hold the baby, Herb?

Oh, I’m afraid I wouldn’t know how.

What’s to know? Just dive in. Catch!

God, that new-baby smell. Homer, you’re the richest man I know.

I feel the same about you.

While you’re here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. Anytime you’re hungry, anytime day or night, Cook will make you anything you want.

Even pork chops?

Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room –

You mean, if I want pork chops – even in the middle of the night – your guy’ll fry ‘em up?

Sure. That’s what he’s paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry, maids…

Wai-wai-wait, wait, wait. Let me see if I got this straight… It’s Christmas day, four a.m., there’s a rumble in my stomach…

Homer, please.

Your old man sure loves pork chops.

He sure does, Uncle Herb.

Bart, Uncle Herb sounds so formal. Do you think you could call me Unky Herb?

No problemo, Unky Herb.

He’s adorable. My nephew’s adorable.

Marco!

Polo!

Marco!

Polo!

Will you kids shut up?

So, Marge, a little about yourself.

Hmm, well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three beautiful children.

Wow, we have so much catching up to do.

Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.

Watch me dive! Watch me dive! Watch me dive!

Okay, we’re watching.

I hope we’re not spoiling them.

Nah.

You weren’t watching! You weren’t watching! You weren’t watching!

A millionaire!… I kept the wrong one. Look son, I’ll come as soon as I can get outta here. In the meantime, pleeze don’t do anything stupid.

Unky Herb, can I spit over the side?

I love this kid. Hock your brains out.

Ohh, oh, got him.

Hello, Cook? Sorry to bother you so late, but I got a hankerin’ for some… that’s right… don’t forget the apple sauce!

Okay, Homer. Pick out any one you want.

Are you sure you want to give me a car?

Hey, you know what these things cost me? There’s maybe forty bucks worth of steel in them.

Oh, okay. I’d like a big one, then.

We don’t have a big one.

Why not?

Because Americans don’t want big cars.

Well, then give me one with lots of pep.

Sorry, our cars don’t have pep.

Why not?

Because Americans want good mileage, not pep.

Homer, tell the nice man what country you come from.

America.

Do you hear that, you morons? This is why we’re getting killed in the marketplace! Instead of listening to what people want, you’re telling ‘em what they want. Homer, I need your help.

You do.

Yeah. I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there! And I want to pay you two hundred thousand dollars a year!!

And I want to let you!!

Homer, meet my team of engineers. They’re gonna build your car.

Hi’ya, team.

Now boys and girls, this project is our top priority. Everything else is on hold. I don’t want to see anything until it’s finished.

Up-up-up-up-up! Direct all your questions to Mister Homer Simpson, the man with the vision, the man who’s gonna bust this company out of its rut, the man who’s going to change American transportation forever.

So, what kind of car would you like, Mr. Simpson?

I dunno.

Whatever you kids want to do today, you just tell Unky Herb.

Ohh, dear.

I want to go on a pony ride, Unky Herb.

I want to go on a boat ride, Unky Herb.

Pony ride!

Boat ride!

Pony ride!

Boat ride!

Pony ride! Boat ride! Pony ride! Boat ride!

Ahoy, Mateys!

Heehaw!

Kids are so easy to please.

I really hope we’re not spoiling them.

Nah.

What’s that?

The on-board computer.

All right. Wooo, what’s that doohickey?

Mr. Simpson, your brother told you to help us with this car now, didn’t he?

Oh yeah, he did!

Hmmm hmmm, then why don’t you get us some coffee.

Oh, okay.

Batting nine. Unky, Herbbbb!

Ugh, oh boy.

Hey Homer, how’s your car coming?

Oh fine. We’re putting in an on-board something-or-other and rack-and-peanut steering…

Homer…

Huh?

You didn’t ask for rack and pinion steering, did you?

Uh, yeah, I think I did.

How could you ask for it? You don’t even know what it is! You just called it rack and peanut steering.

Uh, may I be excused, please?

No! Homer, do you know why I gave you this job?

Because you think I’m a genius?

Nah, I don’t think you’re a genius.

Because you think I’m dynamic?

I don’t think you’re dynamic.

You think I work well with others?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Homer, I gave you this job because you’re an average schmoo.

Oh, great.

All you need is a little self-confidence.

Ah, Unky Herb, I don’t know anything about cars.

Up…up…up. Listen to me, here’s what you do. From now on, before you say anything, say to yourself, “If I was ever sure of anything, I’m sure of this.” Do you understand?

Sort of.

Homer!

What?

Answer me again with self-confidence.

Sort of!

Now go get ‘em.

All right you eggheads! I want a place in this car to put my drink!

Sir, the car has a beverage holder.

Hel-lo? Hel-lo Einstein? I said a place to put my drink. You know those Super Slakers they sell at the Kwik-E-Mart? The cup is this big!

Extremely large beverage holder.

And I’m not done yet. You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in a parking lot? That should be on every car.

Little… ball.

And some things are so snazzy they never go out of style! Like tail fins! And bubble domes! And shag carpeting!

Bubble domes.

Y’ello. Uh-huh. Well, you know what, I’m glad you’re nervous because that means we’re on the right track… Uh huh… Uh huh… Uh huh… All right… all right. Okay, this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna hang up, call me back and say the exact opposite of everything you just said. Good bye.

Bart! Lisa! Come over here!

What is it Unky Herb?

I want you to hear what the guys down at the plant think of your old man.

Y’ello.

Homer Simpson is a brilliant man with lots of well thought out, practical ideas. He is insuring the financial security of this company for years to come. Oh yes, and his personal hygiene is above reproach.

I want a horn here, here and here. You can never find a horn when you’re mad. And they should all play “La Cucaracha.”

Can do, Mr. S.

And sometimes, the kids are in the back seat, they’re hollering, they’re making you nuts. There’s got to be something you can do about that.

Maybe a built-in video game would keep them entertained?

You’re fired! What is my brother paying you for?

What about a separate sound proof bubble dome for the kids? With optional restraints and nuzzles.

Bullseye! And another thing. When I gun the motor, I want people to think the world is coming to an end! VROOM! VROOM! VROOM!

The mouse is named Itchy.

Uh huh.

The cat is named Scratchy.

Uh huh.

They hate each other.

And they’re not shy about expressing it.

Oh good, good, good, good.

To think I’ve wasted my life in board rooms and stockholders meetings when I could have been watching cartoons. This old fool has wasted his life.

Hello there. Do you miss the Antarctic?

Now this is spoiling them.

No! No! No! No! No!

Ladies and gentlemen… esteemed stockholders… members of the press… your Holiness. Tonight, we are going to witness automotive history.

All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.

Homer gets…

Powerful, like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding, like a Nerf ball. Now, at last, I have found it.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the car designed for the Average Man… The Homer!

Ew.

Any questions?

What does this monstrosity cost?

Uh, Jerry, what’s the sticker price?

Eighty-two-thousand dollars! This monstrosity costs eighty-two-thousand dollars? What have I done! I mean the zoo was fun, but I’m ruined.

Bye, Unky Herb.

Bye, Unky Herb.

Bye, Herb.

Gee, Herb, because of me you lost your business, your home, and all your possessions. I can’t help but think that maybe you would have been better off if I’d never come into your life.

Maybe I would have been better off?! Maybe? Why, you spongehead, of course I’d have been better off! As far as I’m concerned, I have no brother.

Ooo.

Maybe he just said that to make conversation.

His life was an unbridled success until he found out he was a Simpson.

I’m here! Now where’s that millionaire chip-off-the-old-block I call Sonny-Boy?

Get in, Dad. I’ll explain on the way home.

I knew you’d blow it.

Dad?

What is it, boy?

I thought your car was really cool.

Thanks, boy. I was waiting for someone to say that.

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