Itchy & Scratchy & Marge

A dash of rosemary a smidgin of thyme a pinch of marjoram

You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world

Oh now, Homer, they’re nothing special

The extra ingredient is care

A sprinkle of chervil, half a teaspoon of turmericand a whisper of MSG

Marge, I’m gonna build you a spice rack

You don’t have to go to all that trouble just for me

It’s no trouble

I’ve got a whole garageful of tools I never use

Hey, kids I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow

Hey, down in front

Shut up, boy

THEY FIGHT, THEY BITE

I knew all this stuff would come in handy some day

Let’s see now ah, here it is

The Complete Handyman’s Bookshelf Volume

One Spice Rack “Pick - up - a - ham - mer”

Wowww

Hey, Dad

Can you move your head

No, I can’t It’s broken

Humph where would an innocent child get the idea to attack her father with a mallet

No, Maggie Bad baby

Keep her away from me, Marge

She’s got that crazy look in her eyes again

So television’s responsible

Hey, Mom

What’re doing

We were watching that

Well, you won’t be watching these cartoons anymore Ever

But, Mom If you take our cartoons away, we’ll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots

Really

What kind of robots

I heard about the cartoons

Tough break, man

Thanks, Nelson

Hey, what if you watch Itchy and Scratchy over at my house

Hey That’s just crazy enough to work

You heard me I won’t be in for the rest of the week

I told you

My baby beat me up

Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up

Wise guy

I wonder why Bart and Lisa are so late getting home from school

Hey, how come you can watch cartoons but the kids can’t

Because

Because why

Because I said so

Because you said so, why

Homer I’m trying to work

Oh What are you doing

I’m cataloguing the violence in these cartoons

I don’t think adults have ever actually sat down and watched them before

What kind of warped human being would find that funny

Heh, heh, heh

This is the kind of entertainment they think is suitable for younger and more impressionable viewers

Yeah, but what are ya gonna do

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do

I’m going to write a letter

“Dear Purveyors of Senseless Violence: I know this may sound silly at first”

” but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way”

Eh

” please try to tone down the psychotic violence”

” in your otherwise fine programming Yours truly, Marge Simpson”

Take a letter, Miss White

“Dear Valued Viewer:

Thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy and Scratchy Program Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America’s favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection”

“In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is So, let me close by saying “ and the horse I rode in on”

Everybody’s looking at us, Marge

Well, that’s what we want them to do, Homer

Oh Well, how long are we going to have to be doing this

Well, I’ve never changed the world before, so I don’t know how long it takes exactly

But if enough people take an interest

Hello, Marge

Oh what is “S-N-U-H”

Snuh

Oh

It stands for “Springfieldians

Huh huh

for Nonviolence, Understanding and Helping”

Hmmm

I’ve started a crusade against cartoon violence

Hmmm, hmmm

I can protect my own children

Hmmm, hmmm

but there are many others whose minds are being warped every afternoon at four

Ohhh

That reminds me I’ve gotta get over to Milhouse’s and uh play sports

All right

And I’m going over to Janey’s again

We’re going to be um making the most of our childhood years

Have fun

We will

And what happens when a child grows up with insanely violent role models like these

The answer is all around you

How many of you were hit on the head with mallets last week

I didn’t know they still made TV dinners this bad

After dinner, can I watch cartoons

No

There’s peas in my fruit cobbler

There’s peas everywhere

Oop, I guess I’ll just go and watch some cartoons

No I’m sorry about the dinners

I’ll make up for it tomorrow night

Hey, who’s up for some cartoons

No one

All right

Hey, tomorrow night, how about making some of your patented pork chops

Hmmm, sure

Oh, dear I can’t I’ve got three protest rallies tomorrow

Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda

Guess what, Sideshow

Mel It’s time for Itchy & Scratchy

Hey, hey

Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again

Please

Stop it

What’s going

Who are you people

What do we want

Substantially-less-violence-in-children’s-programming

When do we want it

Now

No You’re ruining the show

Oh Oh Oh

Stop

Please stop

Please

Be quiet

Oh, please

All right I’m trying to earn a living here

All right

Stop Stop

That woman

That screwball, Marge Simpson

We’ve got to stop her

But how

Drop an anvil on her

Hit her on the head with a piano

Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run

All your fancy degrees and that’s the best you can do

You make me sick

Hmmm

Ah ha I’m so funny

You know, some of these stories are pretty good

I never know mice lived such interesting lives

So much needless brutality

I don’t know if I’m having any impact at all

Don’t do that

Don’t do that

Hey Don’t DO that

Take that you dumb squirrel

Mmmmmmmph

Where do they get their ideas

What is it

What “Smartline”

Yes, I’ve heard of your late-night panel discussion show

Well, I’d love to “Smartline” With our local Emmy-award winning, host Kent Brockman

Hello, I’m Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of “Smartline”

Are cartoons too violent for children

Most people would say “no

Of course not

What kind of stupid question is that”

But one woman says “yes”

She’s here with us tonight

Mrs Marge Simpson

There she is

Also with us for this “animated” discussion are Roger Myers, Chairman of the board of Itchy & Scratchy International

Thank you

Krusty the Klown, whose delightful program brings us the antics of Itchy & Scratchy every afternoon at four

Hi, Kent

And, joining us live via satellite from Vienna, the home of Sigmund Freud - the world’s most famous psychiatrist - to give us an insight into the human mind,

Dr Marvin Monroe Hiya

Now, first let’s see what all the excitement is about

Here’s an example of the work currently being turned out at I & S Studios Hilarious

Now, what in the world is wrong with that, Mrs Simpson

There’s nothing wrong with it

Excuse me

Excuse me

He was addressing me

I know

There’s nothing wrong with it

Excuse me

There is I think that it’s a bad influence on children

Oh, give me a break

I think that is a bunch of baloney

And here’s why In preparing for this debate, I did a little research and I discovered a startling thing

There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented

I see

Fascinating

Yeah, and there was something called the Crusades, for instance

Tremendous violence

Many people killed

The darn thing went on for thirty years

And this was before cartoons were invented

That’s right, Kent

So much for your viewpoint

Dr Marvin Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment on all this

Ah, well,

Kent to me, the high jinks - of a few comic characters absolutely pale in comparison with the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into every day

I’m I’m referring here to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism stuff like that

So you have no professional objection to Itchy & Scratchy

No, not at all In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn, dim the lights, turn on Itchy & Scratchy, and laugh myself silly

And what the hell is wrong with that

Not a thing

Now, for another opinion

Hi kids

Krusty, please

We’re giving you an opportunity to participate in a serious discussion here

Oh I’m sorry, Kent

It’s just that when the camera gets on me

HEY HEY

Krusty

Oh

Well, it looks like we’re not going to settle this tonight

Mrs Simpson, in the nine seconds we have left, could you summarize your position for us

Yes I’d like to ask all the parents in Springfield who are concerned about this to write in and let the cartoon makers know how you feel

Thank you

I don’t believe this

I will never watch your show, buy any of your products or brake if I see you crossing the street”

Wow, that’s cold “Dear Sleaze Merchant”

Now, come on, that hurts

Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken

Hello

Is this Marge Simpson

Yes

The Marge Simpson who fixed it so cartoons can’t be violent anymore

Yes

This is Myers

I’m here with the writers

Listen, you’re so smart, how do we end this picture

Well what’s the problem you’re having

Okay, here it is Itchy just stole Scratchy’s ice cream cone

Make it a pie

Pies are easier to draw

Okay, a pie

Anyway, Scratchy is understandably upset

Huh huh

So we figured he could

you know

just grab Itchy and toss him in a bucket of acid

Oh dear

But then we remembered that this might be interpreted as violence which is morally wrong now, thanks to you

So what’s your big idea

How do we end this

Well let’s see

Oh couldn’t Itchy share his pie with Scratchy

Then they would both have pie

It’s different, I’ll give you that

It’s a tool that every home handyman needs

It’s a jigsaw It’s a power drill It’s a wood-turning lathe It’s an asphalt spreader It’s sixty- seven tools in one

How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this

One thousand dollars

Don’t answer yet

Oh, sorry

because you also get

I was watching that

It’s time for Krusty

You mean we can watch cartoons again, Mom

Yes, dear

All you want

All right

Turn it up

Hey kids It’s time for Itchy & Scratchy

Lemonade

Please

I made it just for you

You are my best friend

Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge

I think it conveys a very nice message of sharing

I think it sucks

Oh, hey, thank you, Maggie

Mmmm, this really hits the spot

Doesn’t it though

You really make good lemonade, Scratchy

Oh, oh, oh

Thank you, Itchy

Wasn’t that funny, boys and girls

Well Wasn’t it

Aren’t you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons

Nah Come on, Lis

Maybe there’s something else to do on this planet

” but the third bowl of porridge was j-u-u-u-s-t right”

Hi kids

What is it

Is this Saturday

So what did you kids do today

Me and the guys went fishing

Almost caught a catfish this big

Ohhh

And Janey and I went bird watching

We saw a grackle

That’s nice dear

Come on, Lis Let’s go finish our soapbox racers

Okay

May we please be excused

Sure

Wow

What great kids

This is the golden age, Marge

And the parents of Springfield owe it all to you

I didn’t really expect things to change this much

Well, I always knew you’d change the world, for the better

This will be the art event of the century

The greatest masterpiece of the Italian Renaissance, Michelangelo’s David, on a coast-to-coast tour of the United States

Ah, sir

Which cities will be included in your itinerary

Eh New York

Hmmm hmmm

Springfield

Yes

and if we have time, Chicago, Boston and Los Angeles

Marge, get the door

What in the world

Get dressed, Marge

You’ve got to lead our protest against this abomination

Hmmm, but that’s Michelangelo’s David

It’s a masterpiece

It’s filth

It graphically portrays parts of the human body which - practical as they may be are evil

But I like that statue

I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity

Come on, girls

What is all this about

What do you people want

We want you, to get your big Italian butt outta here

“Smartline” With our local Emmy-award winning host, Kent Brockman

Is it a masterpiece

Or just some guy with his pants down

That’s our topic tonight on “Smartline”

Now, Mrs Simpson, why are you against this statue I’m not I think everyone in Springfield should see it

Wait, wait a minute

Aren’t you Marge Simpson, the wacko

Hmmm yes and no

Hold it, hold it, hold it

how can you be for one form of freedom of expression, like our big naked friend over there, and be against another form, like Itchy and Scratchy

Good question

Well I guess I can’t, which is a shame because I really hate those cartoons

Oh yeah, well what do you have to say to all those Marge Simpson wannabes out there who wish to suppress David’s doodle

Um, I don’t know I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time, they probably shouldn’t

Well I guess that settles that

I’d like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight

Join us tomorrow when our topic will be, “Religion:

Which is the One True Faith”

Well, there he is Michelangelo’s Dave

David

Oh What’s wrong, Marge

Oh, Homie

Here the kids have a chance to see a great work of art and instead they’re home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other

Hey, don’t worry

Marge, pretty soon every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come and see this thing

Really, why

They’re forcing ‘em

Aw, well isn’t that nice