Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
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Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
A dash of rosemary… a smidgin of thyme… a pinch of marjoram…
You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world.
Oh now, Homer, they’re nothing special. The extra ingredient is care.
A sprinkle of chervil, half a teaspoon of turmeric…and a whisper of MSG.
Marge, I’m gonna build you a spice rack!
You don’t have to go to all that trouble just for me.
It’s no trouble. I’ve got a whole garageful of tools I never use.
Hey, kids! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow!
Hey, down in front!
Shut up, boy.
THEY FIGHT, THEY BITE / THEY FIGHT AND BITE AND FIGHT / FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT / BITE, BITE, BITE / THE ITCHY AND SCRATCHY SHOW.
I knew all this stuff would come in handy some day. Let’s see now… ah, here it is. The Complete Handyman’s Bookshelf. Volume One. Spice Rack.
“Pick - up - a - ham - mer”…
Hey, Dad. Can you move your head?
No, I can’t. It’s broken.
Humph… where would an innocent child get the idea to attack her father with a mallet?
No, Maggie! Bad baby!
Keep her away from me, Marge! She’s got that crazy look in her eyes again.
So television’s responsible.
Hey, Mom. What’re doing?/We were watching that!
Well, you won’t be watching these cartoons anymore. Ever.
But, Mom! If you take our cartoons away, we’ll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.
Really? What kind of robots?
I heard about the cartoons. Tough break, man.
Hey, what if you watch Itchy and Scratchy over at my house?
Hey… That’s just crazy enough to work.
You heard me. I won’t be in for the rest of the week. I told you. My baby beat me up. Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. Wise guy.
I wonder why Bart and Lisa are so late getting home from school?
Hey, how come you can watch cartoons but the kids can’t?
Because I said so.
Because you said so, why?
Homer! I’m trying to work!
Oh. What are you doing?
I’m cataloguing the violence in these cartoons. I don’t think adults have ever actually sat down and watched them before.
What kind of warped human being would find that funny?
Heh, heh, heh.
This is the kind of entertainment they think is suitable for younger and more impressionable viewers?
Yeah, but what are ya gonna do?
I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to write a letter.
“Dear Purveyors of Senseless Violence: I know this may sound silly at first”…
“… but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way”…
“… please try to tone down the psychotic violence”…
“… in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson”.
Take a letter, Miss White. “Dear Valued Viewer: Thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy and Scratchy Program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America’s favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection”.
“In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is. So, let me close by saying…
“… and the horse I rode in on!?”
Everybody’s looking at us, Marge.
Well, that’s what we want them to do, Homer.
Oh. Well, how long are we going to have to be doing this?
Well, I’ve never changed the world before, so I don’t know how long it takes exactly. But if enough people take an interest…
Hello, Marge! Oh what is “S-N-U-H?”
It stands for “Springfieldians
for Nonviolence, Understanding and Helping”.
I’ve started a crusade against cartoon violence.
I can protect my own children.
but there are many others whose minds are being warped every afternoon at four.
That reminds me. I’ve gotta get over to Milhouse’s and… uh… play sports.
And I’m going over to Janey’s again. We’re going to be… um… making the most of our childhood years.
And what happens when a child grows up with insanely violent role models like these?
The answer is all around you.
How many of you were hit on the head with mallets last week?
I didn’t know they still made TV dinners this bad.
After dinner, can I watch cartoons?
There’s peas in my fruit cobbler.
There’s peas everywhere.
Oop, I guess I’ll just go and watch some cartoons.
No. I’m sorry about the dinners. I’ll make up for it tomorrow night.
Hey, who’s up for some cartoons?
Hey, tomorrow night, how about making some of your patented pork chops?
Hmmm, sure. Oh, dear. I can’t. I’ve got three protest rallies tomorrow.
Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.
Guess what, Sideshow Mel? It’s time for Itchy & Scratchy!
Hey, hey. Settle down, boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again.
Please . Stop it. What’s going… Who are you people?
What do we want?
When do we want it?
What do we want?
No! You’re ruining the show. Oh… Oh… Oh. Stop.
Please stop. Please. Be quiet.
Oh, please. All right. I’m trying to earn a living here. All right! Stop! Stop!
That woman. That screwball, Marge Simpson. We’ve got to stop her. But how?
Drop an anvil on her?
Hit her on the head with a piano?
Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run?
All your fancy degrees and that’s the best you can do? You make me sick.
Hmmm. Ah ha! I’m so funny.
You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never know mice lived such interesting lives.
So much needless brutality. I don’t know if I’m having any impact at all.
Don’t do that! Don’t do that! Hey! Don’t DO that!
Take that you dumb squirrel.
Where do they get their ideas?
What is it? What? “Smartline?” Yes, I’ve heard of your late-night panel discussion show. Well, I’d love to.
“Smartline!” With our local Emmy-award winning, host… Kent Brockman.
Hello, I’m Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of “Smartline”. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say “no. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?” But one woman says “yes”. She’s here with us tonight. Mrs. Marge Simpson.
There she is!
Also with us for this “animated” discussion… … are Roger Myers, Chairman of the board of Itchy & Scratchy International…
… Krusty the Klown, whose delightful program brings us the antics of Itchy & Scratchy every afternoon at four…
And, joining us live via satellite from Vienna, the home of Sigmund Freud - the world’s most famous psychiatrist - to give us an insight into the human mind, Dr. Marvin Monroe.
Now, first let’s see what all the excitement is about. Here’s an example of the work currently being turned out at I & S Studios.
Hilarious. Now, what in the world is wrong with that, Mrs. Simpson?
There’s nothing wrong with it.
Excuse me. Excuse me. He was addressing me.
I know. There’s nothing wrong with it.
Excuse me. There is! I think that it’s a bad influence on children.
Oh, give me a break! I think that is a bunch of baloney. And here’s why. In preparing for this debate, I did a little research and I discovered a startling thing. There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented.
I see. Fascinating.
Yeah, and there was something called the Crusades, for instance. Tremendous violence! Many people killed! The darn thing went on for thirty years.
And this was before cartoons were invented?
That’s right, Kent. So much for your viewpoint.
Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment on all this?
Ah, well, Kent… to me, the high jinks - of a few comic characters absolutely pale in comparison with the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into every day. I’m… I’m referring here to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism… stuff like that.
So you have no professional objection to Itchy & Scratchy?
No, not at all. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn, dim the lights, turn on Itchy & Scratchy, and laugh myself silly. And what the hell is wrong with that?
Not a thing. Now, for another opinion…
Krusty, please. We’re giving you an opportunity to participate in a serious discussion here.
Oh. I’m sorry, Kent. It’s just that when the camera gets on me… … HEY HEY!!!
Well, it looks like we’re not going to settle this tonight. Mrs. Simpson, in the nine seconds we have left, could you summarize your position for us?
Yes. I’d like to ask all the parents in Springfield who are concerned about this to write in and let the cartoon makers know how you feel. Thank you.
I don’t believe this… “I will never watch your show, buy any of your products… or brake if I see you crossing the street”. Wow, that’s cold.
“Dear Sleaze Merchant” – Now, come on, that hurts.
Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.
Is this Marge Simpson?
The Marge Simpson who fixed it so cartoons can’t be violent anymore?
This is Myers. I’m here with the writers. Listen, you’re so smart, how do we end this picture?
Well… what’s the problem you’re having?
Okay, here it is. Itchy just stole Scratchy’s ice cream cone…
Make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw.
Okay, a pie. Anyway, Scratchy is understandably upset.
So we figured he could - you know - just grab Itchy and toss him in a bucket of acid.
But then we remembered that this might be interpreted as violence which is morally wrong now, thanks to you. So what’s your big idea? How do we end this?
Well… let’s see… Oh! couldn’t Itchy share his pie with Scratchy? Then they would both have pie.
It’s different, I’ll give you that.
It’s a tool that every home handyman needs. It’s a jigsaw! It’s a power drill! It’s a wood-turning lathe!
It’s an asphalt spreader! It’s sixty- seven tools in one! How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this?
One thousand dollars.
Don’t answer yet…
… because you also get…
I was watching that.
It’s time for Krusty.
You mean we can watch cartoons again, Mom?
Yes, dear. All you want.
Turn it up!
Hey kids! It’s time for Itchy & Scratchy!
“They love / they share / They share and love and share / love love love / share share share / The Itchy & Scratchy Showwww!”
I made it just for you.
You are my best friend.
Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge.
I think it conveys a very nice message of sharing.
I think it sucks.
… Oh, hey, thank you, Maggie.
Mmmm, this really hits the spot.
Doesn’t it though?
You really make good lemonade, Scratchy.
Oh, oh, oh. Thank you, Itchy.
Wasn’t that funny, boys and girls? Well? Wasn’t it?
Aren’t you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons?
Nah. Come on, Lis.
Maybe there’s something else to do on this planet.
“… but the third bowl of porridge was j-u-u-u-s-t right”.
What is it? Is this Saturday?
So what did you kids do today?
Me and the guys went fishing. Almost caught a catfish this big.
And Janey and I went bird watching. We saw a grackle.
That’s nice dear.
Come on, Lis. Let’s go finish our soapbox racers.
Okay. May we please be excused?
Wow. What great kids. This is the golden age, Marge. And the parents of Springfield owe it all to you.
I didn’t really expect things to change this much.
Well, I always knew you’d change the world, for the better.
This will be the art event of the century. The greatest masterpiece of the Italian Renaissance, Michelangelo’s David, on a coast-to-coast tour of the United States.
Ah, sir. Which cities will be included in your itinerary?
Eh! New York…
… and if we have time, Chicago, Boston and Los Angeles.
Marge, get the door.
What in the world?
Get dressed, Marge. You’ve got to lead our protest against this abomination!
Hmmm, but that’s Michelangelo’s David. It’s a masterpiece!
It’s filth. It graphically portrays parts of the human body which - practical as they may be… are evil!
But I like that statue.
I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity. Come on, girls.
What is all this about? What do you people want?
We want you, to get your big Italian butt outta here!
“Smartline!” With our local Emmy-award winning host, Kent Brockman.
Is it a masterpiece? Or just some guy with his pants down? That’s our topic tonight on “Smartline”. Now, Mrs. Simpson, why are you against this statue?
I’m not. I think everyone in Springfield should see it.
Wait, wait a minute. Aren’t you Marge Simpson, the wacko?
Hmmm… yes and no.
Hold it, hold it, hold it… how can you be for one form of freedom of expression, like our big naked friend over there, and be against another form, like Itchy and Scratchy?
Well… I guess I can’t, which is a shame because I really hate those cartoons.
Oh yeah, well what do you have to say to all those Marge Simpson wannabes out there who wish to suppress David’s doodle.
Um, I don’t know. I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time, they probably shouldn’t.
Well… I guess that settles that. I’d like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight. Join us tomorrow when our topic will be, “Religion: Which is the One True Faith?”
Well, there he is… Michelangelo’s Dave.
Oh. What’s wrong, Marge?
Oh, Homie. Here the kids have a chance to see a great work of art and instead they’re home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other.
Hey, don’t worry Marge, pretty soon every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School is gonna come and see this thing.
They’re forcing ‘em.
Aw, well isn’t that nice.