Bart's Dog Gets An F

No Bad dog

Let go

Bad Santa’s Little Helper

Stop it

No, not the sports section

No Stupid dog

No Stay away

This is not for you

This is Homer food

Time to get up, Lisa It’s a school day

Hmmm, Lisa, you don’t look well

I’ll make it, Mom

Just tape my lunch box to my hand

Ohhh my, you’re burning up, and your cheeks are so swollen

I think you have the mumps I’m calling Doctor Hibbert

Marge, the dog is hungry

Well, then, feed him

Yes, Master

You’re my best friend

You’re my best friend

You’re my best friend

Hello, Doctor Hibbert

This is Marge Simpson

Uh, not that I’m angry, but how did you get my home number

I see, quite ingenious

Doctor, I think Lisa has the mumps

Well, Mrs Simpson, much as I’d like to rely on your diagnosis, I think it might be professionally derelict of me to do so

Let me check my schedule

Mm hm Two o’clock is fine

Thank you, Dr Hibbert

No way

She’s faking If Lisa stays home, I stay home

If Bart stays home, I’m going to school

Fine Then

Wait a minute If Lisa goes to school then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school

Lisa, don’t confuse your brother like that

Have a nice day at school, Bart

Get my homework from Mrs Hoover

Homework Lisa, you wasted chicken pox

Don’t waste the mumps

Hey, Bart-dude

Hey, Otto-man

Yo, hairy bro

Go home, boy Go home

You Wandering mongrel

Get out of my Mom and Pop operation

Y’ello

Simpson

This is Sylvia Winfield

That canine of yours is in my pool again

I’m calling the dog warden right now

Oh, are you

Well, you go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old battle-ax, because my dog is tied up in the backyard

There’s only one family on this block no, on earth inconsiderate enough to let a monster like that roam free

Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I am going to hang up on you It is not my dog I tied my dog outside myself I am looking at him

right Well, howdaly-do, Simpson

Gettin’ a little exercise, eh

Good for you, pal

Oh, look at this old rascal

He’s a wet old baby boy, isn’t he Isn’t he

You’re just a water monster

Well, well Mr Universe takes a walk

Haw, haw

Mr Universe, I wish

Look at that get-up Heavy hands, ankle weights, that’s cute, and Assassins

Oh, you betcha

You know, they got velcro straps, a water pump in the tongue, built-in pedometer, reflective sidewalls and little vanity license plates

Oooh Oooh

How much How much How much

Well, you know they’re not givin’ ‘em away

But sometimes you’ve just got to spoil yourself

Yeah

Whoops, my heart rate’s dropping

Better skedaddley-do

Hmmm, huh discoloration of the saliva glands,

Oh dear

swelling of the peritage

I knew it

Yeah, it looks like little Lisa has the mumps

I guess you’ll be missing a week of school, young lady

Oh, no I don’t want to fall behind my class

Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl

What’s your favorite subject

Arithmetic

Arithmetic

Now before you know it, you will be back among your polygons, your hypotenuse, and your Euclidean algorithms

Now, you get rest now and have yourself a wowwipop

Y’ello, Hi, Lisa, what’s wrong

The mumps

Oooh, the kissing disease

My little girl is growing up

Yuck Quit it, Dad

So what does my little girl want

What

Let me write this down Copies of “Teen Dream Teen Scream and Teen Steam Magazine”

Well, okay You’re the sickie

Goodbye, Lisa

Hey Lenny, I need to leave early

Cover for me, will ya

Hey, sure thing, Homer

Ohh

Well, Lisa, here it is; the Bouvier family quilt

Wow Neat It smells historic

For five generations, women in our family have each added a square to it

Now it’s your turn

Oh, but I don’t know how to sew

Oh yes, you do

You just don’t know it The memory of a million drop-stitches flows in your veins

Very impressive

You try it

Ow

You just need to develop a callous

See

You see

Now that’s a sewing finger, honey

Ew

Oh man, two dollars

Uh, I’ll take these three

They’re for my daughter

Sure they are

Assassins

Oh, a hundred and twenty-five bucks

Sometimes you gotta spoil yourself spoil yourself spoil yourself

But I can’t afford to

Simpson, I order you to buy those shoes

Okay, Flanders, you’re the boss

Heh, heh, heh

This one’s mine

“Keep on truckin’”

What does that mean

I didn’t know then, and I don’t know now

Here’s your stupid homework

Ooh phonics, functions, vocabulary, remedial reading

Oh, do your own homework, Bart

Here’s your magazines

How many of these guys are named Corey

Eight

Thanks, Dad

Whoa Assassins

Yep Hee, hee

Read ‘em and weep

Those are very elaborate sneakers

They better be for a hundred and twenty-five big ones

A hundred and twenty-five dollars

Bart

Homer

I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases

Well, you bought all those smoke alarms and we haven’t had a single fire

The manhunt or should I say a woman hunt is on

You know, Joe

Yours is the only show I’ll do

As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest

No

Well, Homer

There seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here

Oh school

Right Yeah, that’s your answer for everything

Oooh, this one looks very reputable

What lovely handwriting

Have a toffee

Such a neat job

Have at them

Well done

Now, if I could borrow Satan’s Little Helper

Santa’s Little Helper

Ladies and gentlemen

Most of you already know that, with a little love and compassion, any puppy will grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy

Stuff and nonsense, taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits

Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life

choke chain

You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child: with simple, authoritative commands Lay down followed by immediate correction

How can we tell if we’re doing this maneuver effectively

The dog’s eyes will cross and his tongue will protrude and change color ever so slightly

Is my dog dead, ma’am

You don’t know how often I’m asked that “Choke chain” is a misnomer

Trust me, they are always breathing

Jack, I think the baby might be yours

Oh, I’m sure it is, doll-face

But I’d like to see you prove it

You’re treating me like garbage

That’s because that’s the way you love it, baby

Gee, is it always this good

Oh, I don’t know, I just dip in and out

I’m only watching today because Brandy is coming out of her coma and she knows the phony prince’s body is hidden in the boathouse

Ohh, that dog

Bad dog

Don’t worry Snowball You’re safe with me

Mom, what will we do if Santa’s Little Helper doesn’t learn anything in obedience school

I don’t know

Father McGrath I thought you were dead

I was

There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself

One is like a faithful friend and partner for life The other is like a hose without a fireman Which way do you think that was,

Mr Simpson Like a hose, your wrinkled highness

I’ve changed my mind I decided I don’t want these shoes

Hey, wait a minute What happened here

Well, my faithful dog was bringing me my shoes and they fell apart in his mouth

I’m sorry, sir Our warranty doesn’t cover fire, theft, or acts of dog

Big cookie

Aloha

Well, aloha

Would you like a free sample

The price is right

Mmmm Macamadamia nuts

If you’d like to buy some, they’re only a dollar each

Oh, so that’s your little plan Get us addicted, then jack up the price

Well, you win “Property of Hom-er JSimp-son

Hands off”

Look, Mom, I finished my patch It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life

On the left is Mr Largo, my music teacher at school He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty and soul

And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy

He taught me that music is like a fire in your belly that comes out of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it

Hm

And look

Come on, Homer I want you to see what your sick little girl did

MY QUILT

Six generations, gone

Now

Marge, honey, honey, honey

Come on

Come on, don’t get upset It’s not the end of the world

We all loved that quilt, but you can’t get too attached to

No, MY COOKIE

This is not happening This is not happening

Everybody in the kitchen We’re having a family meeting

We never had a family meeting before

We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before

Homer, what are you saying

I’m saying

No way You can’t give my dog away I’ll set fire to my hair I’ll rip up all my clothes I’ll put sugar in the gas tank Bart

I’ve suffered as much as anyone at the paws of this dog

But when I look into his vacant brown eyes, I just can’t bear to let him go

I’m sure Mom agrees with me

No, I’m afraid I agree with your father

You do Ha ha, ha ha ha

Homer, please It’s not just the quilt

He’s a nice dog, but he chews up everything

He doesn’t obey He’s not even housebroken

And we’ve spent all this money on an obedience school and I don’t see any improvement

All right, all right

If Santa’s Little Helper studies real hard and passes his finals and becomes a perfect dog, can we keep him then No

Dad

Dad, this is our pet We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can’t question his heart

Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem with something you love is to throw it away

Oh Lisa, if they’re ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner, honey

Oh, all right If he passes obedience school, we can keep him

Yea

All right

See boy, it’s not so hard

Here, roll over roll over like this

Congratulations, sonny You’ve earned a toffee

Oh, thank you, you moldy old maid

Homer, can’t we place this ad after the dog fails his test

No, we have to commit ourselves

Now take this down “Free to loving home World’s most brilliant dog Says ‘I love you’ on command”

Type Type

Now, sit I said sit

Uh Take a walk

Sniff that other dog’s butt

See, he does exactly what I tell him

Oh no, we’d never give him away, but, we’re moving to another country where dogs are forbidden

Hear what

Oh, sure C’mere, boy Put that prowler down

Come here

Come on boy

Say it, boy Say “I love you” for the nice man I lub you

Good dog

Good doggie Isn’t that amazing

See you soon

Woooo Wooo

A lot of you think your dogs have mastered the “stay” command

Let’s see if they can “stay” away from this Beef Wellington

Now stayyy

Stay boy Stay Stay Stayyy

Oh, he’d be very happy at my farm

You know, people think only mules can pull carts Impatient people think that, but patient people know better

Uh, you can pick him up tomorrow

Miss Winthrop, I was thinking

Tch, tch Oh, dear

since you get paid either way, would it be a big deal to just let my dog pass

I see Rubber stamp, thank you very much, next in line Is that it

Yeah

Heavens to Mergatroid Bart, perhaps I cling to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep or neutered, one by one

But my time has not passed yet

The world does not need another college graduate who doesn’t know how to sit

He’ll sit, he’ll sit

Come on, boy

Sit Sit

Pull the chain

Huh

Correct the dog

I don’t want to strangle my dog

PULL THE BLOODY CHAIN, BOY

I’m sorry, boy You can’t help being dumb

Hmmm, what are you doing, dear

Sewing a new quilt

You know, it’s one thing to be a link in a chain It’s another to start one of your own

Aww

This patch commemorates the destruction of the old quilt

Well, you certainly captured the moment

Hmmm

Come on, boy, sit

Sit Sit Sit

Oh, man

Bart, he’s not gonna learn it now

Don’t spend your last hours together tormenting the poor creature

Have some fun, frolic with him

Go get it, boy I’m gonna miss you, boy

I thought we were gonna be pals forever

But, we’re gonna have to say goodbye, because you don’t understand a single word I say If you just knew how important it was to learn sit

Wait a minute

You did it

lay down

shake hands stay

speak

All right

Good boy

Roll over

You son-of-a-bitch

Good show