The War Of The Simpsons
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The War Of The Simpsons
Mmm… hors doovers.
Homer! You promised!
I promised I wouldn’t eat? Never! You lie!
Homer, please. We’ve never thrown a party. Now we’re gonna pay back all the friends who’ve invited us to their homes.
Never thrown a party? What about that big bash we had with all the champagne and musicians and holy men and everything?
That was our wedding.
Children, it’s time for you to go to bed.
But Mom, I want to hear the witty banter of sophisticated adults.
Yeah, you can’t have any fun in bed.
Oh son, when you’re older, you’ll know better.
Hmmm. Oh, baby! Mmmm. Yeah.
Oh! They’re here! How does everything look?
How do I look?
Do we have enough glasses?
Do we have enough gag ice cubs?
Homer! Homer! Put a record on!
What are all our friends names again?
Hey, anybody mind if I serve as bartender? You know, I have a Ph.D in Mixology.
Hey, Homer! Care to try some of my Flanders Planters punch?
Why not? I paid for it.
Hey, Flanders, next time why don’t you put a little alcohol in it?
Au contraire, Simpson! It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon and just little dab-a-roo of creme de cassis for flavor.
Really? Well I do have a warm sense of well-being and I seem to be ssslurring my shpeech… you’re right! Give me another.
Now, Homer, go easy on the al-ky-hol. Remember last year at the Winfield’s party when you threw up in the laundry hamper?
Hi! You’re Homer’s sister-in-law, right? I remember you, but I don’t remember you being so beau –tiful.
Ow! Hey! Jeez!
Is that a new kind of Mace? It’s really painful.
Oh, Dr. Hibbert. Enjoying the party?
Uh, no, not really. Someone seems to have slipped one of those novelty ice cubes with a fake fly in my drink.
It was me! You fell for it!
Homer, these novelty ice cubes are often made from highly toxic chemicals. Ironically, a real fly would have been much more sanitary.
You should see the look on your face. It’s priceless.
Bart! Come over here.
You little monkey… you’re a little monkey, aren’t you?
Bart, do that thing you do that’s so cute.
That thing you know how to do.
Go to bed.
Hey, everybody! Look, I’m the funniest guy in the world!
Oh, Homer, you’re the king!
I’ve been wantin’ to tell you off for years, but I’ve never had the nerve.
Homer, I don’t know you. My wife and your wife are friends. We met just three hours ago.
You stink! You and your whole lousy operation stinks! I quit!
Uh, gee Homer, don’t quit…
All right then.
Could you… give me a handful of peanuts… Maude?
Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom.
Hey, thanks for invitin’ me. I had a wonderful time.
I must apologize for my husband.
If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his side.
Hmmm. thank you. I will, Dr. Hibbert. Thanks for coming.
Remember, I said if.
I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
Why? What’d you do?
Where-where are we going?
I want to make sure the kids don’t hear. When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting.
They’re fighting in the car again.
That music always sends a chill down my spine.
Homer, do you remember the way you acted at the party last night?
The way I acted?
So I said: I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
Good lord! There’s a fly in my drink!
I put it there.
I slipped it into your glass as a gag.
I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season!
Homer, I like to think that I’m a patient, tolerant woman, and that there was no line you could cross that could make me stop loving you. But last night, you didn’t just cross that line, you threw up on it!
I’m sorry, honey. Can’t we just forget it and go to church.
I’m going to church alone today. You’re going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred him for life.
No, I didn’t… I… Oh, you mean inside, don’t you?
About last night… you might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don’t understand why.
I understand why. You were wasted.
I admit it. I didn’t know when to say when. I’m sorry it happened and I just hope you didn’t lose a lot of respect for me.
Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Now before I give you all a sneak preview of next week’s sermon, I have some announcements to make. We have some new pamphlets available in our church newsrack including “Bible Bafflers”, “Satan’s Boners,” “Good Grief! More Satan’s Boners” and, for the teens, “It’s Not Cool To Fry In Hell.”
I’m sorry. The Lord and I can’t compete with the squeaking of Homer Simpson’s shoes. Why don’t we just put everything on hold until he takes a seat?
Sit down, Homer.
Mrs. Lovejoy and myself will be holding our third annual marriage retreat next weekend at Catfish Lake. It’s psychological counseling for couples whose marriages are hanging by a thread…
… or those just in need of a tune-up.
Now if you wish to participate, please sign up on your way out after the service is over.
Will the Simpsons be attending our little retreat?
Oh, well, it’s very tempting. Really a wonderful idea.
Marge! What are you doing? Are you insane?!
We’ll be there!
Marriage encounter weekend, here I come!
Now you wanna go?
They’re holding it at Catfish Lake. They couldn’t call it Catfish Lake if it didn’t have a catfish in it.
We’re going to this retreat to give our marriage a tune-up and that’s all. No fishing.
Oh, that must be the babysitter.
Hello. I’m Mrs. Simpson.
Come back for more, eh?
Oh my. Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice?
Oh dear. If we can’t find a babysitter, we can’t go. What a kick in the teeth.
What do you need a babysitter for? I’m almost ten and a half.
Mom! You wouldn’t dare.
Don’t take that tone with me, young lady, or I’ll give you a taste of the back of me hand.
No, you don’t!
Huh… who?… what?
Grampa, could you do something?
I can dress myself.
Well, I was wondering. Do you think you could babysit the kids this weekend? I wouldn’t ask, except I’m desperate.
Oh sure. Last resort… Old Grampa, the feeb. The guy who can’t be counted on for nothing, no how, dagnabit. Everyone’s agin me. I’ll do it.
Marge, just puttin’ a few last things in the trunk.
Now, if Maggie runs a fever, you call this number. If she sticks her finger in an electrical socket, call this number. And if she drinks pine cleanser, call this…
Just give me the list. I can read.
All right. All right. Goodbye, children. And behave yourselves.
Call this number if Grampa falls in the bathtub.
I heard that.
Grampa, Mom was in such a hurry, she forgot to give you this. It’s a list of the things Lisa and I can and can’t do.
Uh huh .. Uh-huh… You’re allowed smoke cigars?
Whoa, better get some gas.
Fill ‘er up. I guess I’ll go and stretch my legs.
Where ya headed?
Oh, after General Sherman, are ya?
Wait, wait a minute… wait a minute. Who’s General Sherman?
He’s only the biggest catfish in these parts…
… they say he weighs upwards of five hundred pounds.
Whoa, who says that?
Now, that there’s the only known picture of the General. Can’t see what he is, exactly. He’s freakishly big, though.
Hmmmm. Gentlemen: I am going to catch General Sherman!
After the supermarket, we’ll go to the video store, grab a Krusty Burger and head for the arcade.
Bart, Grampa’s a kindly old man who trusts us. Are you sure it’s right to take advantage of him?
Lis, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times, who’s to say what’s right or wrong? But right now my gut’s telling me… Bleed Gramps dry.
Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. Welcome!
Hello, Reverend. We’re glad we could come. Oh, hello Helen.
Why, Homer Simpson! Here to give your marriage a little spit shine?
None of your business, Flanders.
Uh say… uh… Reverend… are we gonna get a chance to do any fishing?
Oh, I’m afraid not. A marriage can’t be reconciled in a few hours, Homer. It takes a whole weekend to do that.
We must bait our hooks with honesty. That way a happy marriage won’t be the one that got away.
I see. I also understand bowling expressions.
Ah, three couples… our best turnout yet. Why don’t we go around the room and everyone can introduce themselves and tell us a little bit about why they’re here. John… Gloria?
My name’s Gloria. I’m here because Johnny boy hasn’t been able to cut it, manwise, for some time. Not that I’d want his odor of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.
That’s enough, Gloria!
Thank you, Gloria. John, why don’t you tell us a little about why you’re here?
She never cooks, she keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely. She’s the Queen of the Harpies.
No, I’m not!
Queen of the Harpies!
No, I’m not!
Here’s your crown, your Majesty.
Get away from me, swine.
Queen of the Harpies!
You’ve come to the right place. First, I want you to look into each other’s eyes.
Your eyes? I’d forgotten how beautiful they are.
Let’s never fight again.
We were fools to argue.
Let’s not talk about that.
Let’s not talk at all.
Remember my saving your lives and bringing you happiness when we pass the collection plate next week. All right. Ned, Maude, what brings you here?
Go on, Neddie.
Sometimes Maude, God bless her, she underlines passages in my Bible because she can’t find hers.
Lucky you don’t keep guns in the house.
Homer, why are you here?
Ohhh, because I got drunk and looked down her dress.
No, no, Homer. Marge is going to tell us all your faults. Why don’t you tell us about hers?
Come on, Homer. What are her faults?
Well, sometimes that can be annoying.
Now, Marge. Don’t interrupt. You’ll get your turn.
Well, it’s not that I don’t love the guy. I’m always sticking up for him. It’s just that he’s so self-centered.
He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays – both religious and secular – he chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes…
It’s true. It’s all true.
Homer, don’t interrupt.
He blows his nose on the towels, and puts them back in the middle…
I only did that a couple of times.
Half a gallon of chocolate.
Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge.
Half a gallon of chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate chip.
Did your Mom really write that shopping list?
Grampa, what a question?
What’s next, Lis?
Sprinkles and syrup.
Hey, Grampa. Aisle six and step on it.
Well, all right, but put out that cigar.
… He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby. When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises and when he wakes up he makes honking noises. Oh… oh… and he scratches himself with his keys. I guess that’s it. Oh no. Wait. He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long and yellow. That’s all I can think of right now. I guess you’re all tired and I want to thank you for letting me get some things off my chest.
Well, we’ve missed the luau. What say we call it a night?
But, Captain. I can’t avenge my partner’s death with this pea shooter.
I don’t want to hear it, McBain. That cannon of yours is against regulations. In this department we go by the book.
You know, kids, it’s gettin’ pretty late.
Yeah, you should go to bed, Grampa. We’ve had a big day.
It’s no use kidding myself. I’m having an ethical crisis.
Out at five, catch General Sherman at five-thirty, clean him at six, eat him at six-thirty, back in bed by seven with no incriminating evidence. . The perfect crime.
Homer, you’re sneaking out to go fishing? I can’t believe your selfishness. You can go fishing anytime, but we’re here trying to save our marriage. You’re thinking about fishing, even when I’m talking… right now. Right?
Would this be a good time to be honest?
You’re right, I am. Help me, Marge. What do I do to be a good guy?
Get back in bed.
All right. But I can’t sleep. Can I take a walk?
Gotta be a good husband… Gotta be a good husband… Gotta be a good husband.
Hey, kid! You forgot your… WHOA!
Go ahead, General Sherman! Waste your strength, you big ugly catfish. I gotta skillet and a stick of butter with your name on it.
Yes. Ten please.
Hey Grampa, top me off.
Are you sure your ma lets you kids drink coffee?
For the last time, yes!
Good! Give up!
Hey, Milhouse. Big blowout at Casa de Simpson. The only adult is frail and old.
Bart’s joint. Uh, twoish. Be there or be square.
Tell my friends? All right, but I’ve got some pretty funky friends.
All right! I get out at noon and I’m already invited to a party.
Now, this is a trust exercise. You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you.
Do I have to do this?
No. Even if your husband were here, I wouldn’t recommend it. Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where I’ve ever told one partner that they were 100 percent right. It’s all his fault, and I’m willing to put that in a certificate you can frame.
Over there / Send the word / Send the word / Over there.
That the Yanks are comin’…
Okay, fish, you’re probably wondering why I’m still here. Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is, right up there with… that… the a… bald guy on that cable fishing show.
Whoa! Holy mackerel!
Milhouse, good to see you, pal. What’s happening, man?
Cherry party, Bart. Any chicks over eight?
Not yet, but the afternoon is young.
Lisa, what’s wrong?
Isn’t it obvious? We’ve degraded ourselves and set back the children’s rights movement for decades to come.
You’re great at a party, Lisa. Really great.
Hey you, no, shut that door! Stop it! Put that away! No, stop, oh!
Haw haw haw!
You young hellion, do you want me to take off my belt?
All right. I’ll show you.
Haw! Haw! Haw!
I love you, but I must kill you.
Yeah, take care, man. Hey, thanks for coming. Hey, nice tie, Nelson..
Ah, thanks, it’s your dad’s.
I tried to be a good baby-sitter, but I failed! I’m a feeb… a useless old… worn-out…
Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I’ve never had before.
It’s called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepressible youth.
Well, how do you make this feeling go away?
You grab a bucket and a brush and clean harder and faster than you ever have before.
I AM THE CHAMPIONS / I AM THE CHAMPIONS / NO TIME FOR LOSERS / CAUSE I AM THE CHAMPIONS / OF THE WORLLLLD!
Hi, honey. Uh, oh. How’s the marriage retreat going?
We came to this retreat because I thought our marriage was in trouble, but I never for a minute thought it was in this much trouble. Homer, how can you expect me to believe….
Marge, you don’t know what this fish means. This fish represents a better life for both of us. This fish makes me a champion and a hero.
To those weirdos in the worm store.
All this fish represents is just how selfish you are.
Well, if that’s the way you feel… I’ll throw it back.
Oh yeah, sure.
Wow, I did it! I gave up fame and breakfast for my marriage. I fought it for six hours. She says one word and I toss it back. And you’re telling me our marriage is in trouble? Come here, baby.
How’s your marriage?
Same as usual. Perfectomundo.
Oh my, the house looks wonderful. Grampa, what’s your secret?
Pretending to cry. That’s right, you heard me. Pretending to cry. I can turn it on and off like a fawcet. Boo-hoo, Oh, I’m crying, I’m so sad.
Way to go, Grampa.
I’ll never trust another old person.
I fooled you. So long suckers. Hee hee hee.
Yup. General Sherman. They say he’s 500 pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don’t you know? No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he’s a hundred years if he’s a day.
And uh, no one’s ever caught him?
Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard. Had a shock of hair, red, like the fires of hell.