Principal Charming

مجموعه تلوزیونی: خانواده سیمپسون / فصل: فصل دوم / اپیزود 14

Principal Charming

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Principal Charming

Hey Homer, it’s Barney. Did I wake you?

All I wanted to tell you about WAS this new barbecue joint.

Ooh! Barbecue!

It’s called Greasy Joe’s Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit. I can still taste the sauce between my fingers. And are you ready for this? It’s all you can eat!

This is like some beautiful dream.

One. And two. And three. And reach. And five. And six. And seven..

Marge, honey, I’ve got five words to say to you. Greasy Joe’s Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit.

Homer, remember you promised you’d try to limit pork to six servings a week?

Marge, I’m only human. Now look, here’s what we’re gonna do. We’ll unload the kids on Patty and Selma Saturday night. And then we’ll eat until they kick us out of the place. Just like old times.

Saturday night? I’m not even sure my sisters will be available.

I’ll take that bet.

Hello, Marge.

This Saturday? We’re going to Stanley Peterson’s wedding.

Although the way he’s going at her, you’d think they were already married.

Hey alleycats, save it for the honeymoon!

Well if you have other plans…

It’s no problem.

Mm-hmm. We’ll beat it before they throw out the bouquet.

F… L… oh no, I’m sorry. That’s a C, isn’t it…

If that was an oncoming vehicle you’d be dead now. NEXT!

But driving is my livelihood.

Ah, take it like a man!

Friends, relatives, work-related acquaintances, we are gathered here today to join Stanley and Martha in holy matrimony.

Martha, my dear, I remember the first day I met you.

Hello, Selma.

Hello, Stanley.

Is this seat taken?

Yes it is.

Hey, beat it!

Had I not chosen the seat next to you, Martha my love, who knows what walnut I might have ended up with.

“BRANDY, YOU’RE A FINE GIRL, WHAT A GOOD WIFE YOU WOULD BE/ BUT MY LIFE, MY LOVE AND MY LADY IS THE SEA.”

Poor Brandy. Aunt Selma, do you think you’ll ever get married?

Oh, I don’t know. Why? You know somebody?

No. And, since I’m sure that you’d only resent the pity of an eight-year-old niece, I’ll simply hope that you’re one of the statistically insignificant forty-year-old single women who ever find their fair Prince.

Patty! Selma! We’re home.

I’ll tell you one thing, Greasy Joe is sorry he ever saw the likes of me.

Marge, I need to speak with you alone.

Oh and that sauce, Barney. I could have drunk a bowl of it by itself! No Barney, that’s just my sister-in-law.

I’ll get right to the point. I’m getting older, fatter, and uglier. Please, Marge! Help me find a man before it’s too late.

Well… I’ll try.

Homer? Do you remember our last family vacation when you made us go to the Bowler’s Hall of Fame in St. Louis, Missouri so you could see that car shaped like a giant bowling pin?

Remember? Who could forget?

Then you’ll also remember that you owe me a favor…

…to be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire.

But that was just an idle promise.

Not to me.

I want you to find a husband for my sister Selma.

Find a husband? Which one’s Selma again?

She’s the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines and walking through the park on clear autumn days.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But I thought she didn’t like to be… you know, touched.

It’s Patty who chose the life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

But Marge…

Homer, you will find her a man.

All right.

And not just any man.

Okay.

He should be honest… and caring… and well off… and handsome…

Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do?

Sodium tetrasulfate is highly caustic and can remove your skin. Say when!

That will do.

What’s this stuff for?

It’s chiefly used in the manufacture of rayons, film, and as a preservative in fast foods. It’s also quite a potent herbicide.

What’s a herbicide?

It kills grass.

Excellent.

Must find man. Must find man. Must find man.

Boy, a good man really is hard to find.

Gentlemen, according to my sources you are planning to simultaneously drop your pencils at 2:15 this afternoon. Do so and you will be suspended.

Vandalism fans, hold on to your hats!

One seafood burrito, Apu.

I am loathe to interrupt your meditation. But the time has come for money to change hands.

Sorry.

Say what they will about our cafeteria, I-I still think they’re the best Tater Tots money can buy.

Wait a minute… that smells like sodium tetrasulfate bonding with chlorophyll!

Sweet Lord it is!

SIMPSON!!!

Bart, I’m flabbergasted. Surely you knew, as you were writing your own name in forty-foot-high letters in the field, that you would be caught.

Maybe it was one of the other Barts, Sir.

There are no other Barts!

Uh-oh.

The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident makes me wish I could pull the trusty board of education out of retirement.

Call your father immediately.

Hello, is Homer there?

Homer who?

Homer Sexual.

Just a minute, let me check. Homer Sexual. Come on, come on. One of you guys must be Homer Sexual!

Why you rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I’ll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!

You’ll do what, young man?

Wait a minute. Who is this?

I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?

Oh, sorry Principal Skinner. It must be a bad connection. It’s for you. I think Bart’s in trouble again.

What is it this time?

I’m afraid this time the victims are the innocent blades of grass on Groundskeeper Willie’s award-winning play field. If it’s all right with you, Bart will repay his debt to society through back-breaking physical labor, re-sodding the field manually, seed by seed.

But enough about Bart. Tell me, Principal Skinner, are you married?

Only to my job.

But if you weren’t married to your job, you’d tend to go for a girl, right?

Well, of course. These pants come off at night just like everyone else’s. But tell me, why all the questions?

Oh, no reason, really. I was just wondering if you know, you’d like to come over to my house for dinner. A payback for all the crummy things Bart has done to your school.

Well, a home-cooked meal would be a nice change of pace. I’d be delighted!

Excellent.

Good evening, Principal Skinner and welcome to our home.

Well thank you, Bart. I only hope that for the next few hours you and I can leave our differences in the schoolyard.

Fine. Now just get inside already.

He’s here.

Well, what are you waiting for? Get out there and shake your money-maker.

I’m too nervous, you do it.

No, you do it.

No, you do it.

No, you do it.

No, you do it.

Now, Simpson. I-I had a discomforting thought on the way over here. This dinner wouldn’t be a master plan of yours to set me up with some unmarried relation? Because I can assure you that…

I… ah… muh… Be still my foolish heart.

Heh heh heh. Here we go. Boy meets beast. Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce you to my wife’s lovely and available sister, Selma.

Sel-ma.

Hey, Baldilocks, I’m Patty.

Wha…?

Pat-ty.

So Patty, tell me more about your trip to Egypt.

Nothing more to tell, really. The Nile smells like cattle rot and they’ve got horseflies over there the size of your fist.

Marvelous. Just marvelous.

Well, Selma hated Egypt, too. A camel spit on her.

Oh, yes. I’ve heard they can be difficult. Patty, the Parents Advisory Board has asked that I attend the premiere of Space Mutants Part 5 tomorrow night. Would you be interested in joining me?

Well… I don’t really think…

She’d be delighted.

I’m going to cancel.

No, you’re not.

We already have plans for tomorrow night.

Patty, your first date in twenty-five years is a little more important than playing hearts with Mother.

I tried to repel him, I really did.

A pack of Lady Laramie Hundreds, please.

God knows it could have easily been me. Easily. Laramie Hi-Tars. Hard pack. And I don’t have all day.

Here you go. Smoke them in good health. And will you be needing any lottery tickets with that?

No. All right, five.

Stupid - Principal - Skinner. No - sense - of - humor.

Save your strength, lad. There’s a whole field for to resod yet.

Bart, you wouldn’t happen to know what sort of candy your Aunt Patty likes, would you?

Cherry cordials, sir.

Very good. Now then, regarding your punishment… do you feel that you’ve learned your lesson?

Have I ever. Just the thought of doing anything bad again makes my stomach turn.

Well, then, you are free to go.

Well, Willie, you can take it from here. Adios, dude.

You’ll be back!

I don’t see why all this is necessary.

C’mon, Patty. You don’t want to show up looking like Yosemite Sam.

How do I look?

Achingly beautiful.

“Two and Two are Four, Four and Four are Eight, Eight and Eight are Sixteen…”

Cherry cordials. I hope you like ‘em.

Yeah, I like ‘em okay. So come on, let’s get this over with.

Ah, excellent suggestion. I suggest we start with The Springfield Revolving Restaurant. You know, food tastes better when you’re revolving.

Yeah, right. Well, so far I must say the evening is a big disappointment.

Indeed. Truly terrible.

Hey, can we get some service over here? I’ve asked for water three times now.

Well I must say, so far the evening is a big disappointment.

Indeed, truly terrible.

Hey, can we get some service over here? I’ve asked for water three times now.

Is everything all right?

Well, well, well. If it isn’t little Jimmy Pearson. Class of ‘71 I believe.

Good evening, Principal Skinner.

Pearson, get this woman a glass of water, immediately! And tuck in your shirt.

Nearly thirty and still working as a busboy. Standardized testing never lies.

It doesn’t surprise me. She has always been the lucky one. Two minutes younger. Skin like a China doll. And bosoms ‘til Tuesday.

Well, don’t worry. There are still plenty of fish in the sea. Right, Homer?

Oh yes, plenty of fish. We just don’t have any bait.

Hmm.

Don’t be stupid.

Oh.. uh… sorry.

Come on, luv… Loosen up.

I just can’t forget what happened to that poor dingo back there. Who, or what, could’ve done such a horrible thing?

Oh, it was probably just a wallaby… now come on…

Well, okay…

Hello, Dolly.

Oh, that was the worst film I’ve ever seen.

Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant.

Isn’t it nice we hate the same things?

See me again tomorrow?

I’m afraid that’s my microwave cookery class.

Then the day after that.

Oh, gee. Tai Kwon Do.

The day after that, then.

Seymour… you’re touching me.

Kiss me, Patty. I don’t have cooties.

Hwa!

Thursday I’m going food shopping. You can come along if you like.

Until then!

Tell me every filthy detail. Or is your tongue too tired?

Selma, it was a lousy meal. The movie was awful. And he didn’t get anything. Now goodnight.

All right. One kiss. But I don’t want you bragging to your friends about how you scored.

I wish I could make a P.A. announcement to the whole world. Attention, everyone: Seymour Skinner is in love!

Bart, Skinner’s gonna kill you.

Skinner? He works for me now.

Simpson!

Uh oh.

What is that there?

Ah… Bart, I hate to pull you away from your daily exercise, but … well…

I wanted you to be the first to know. I’m going to ask for your Aunt Patty’s hand in marriage.

Your funeral, Seymour.

Lighten up, Homer. You’re making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.

Ah, Moe. I’ve gotta find a date for my big, fat, snotty sister-in-law, Selma.

I’m intrigued. What does this Selma look like?

Like my wife’s ugly sister.

Wheel her in, Homer. I’m not a picky man.

A good rule of thumb is two years salary, sir. Try this.

I can’t afford that! I’m an educator.

Seymour?

I’ll take it!

Homer, my sister is not going out with Barney Gumbel.

Hey, Selma’s no prize pig herself you know.

Bart, come cheer up your Aunt Selma.

Okay.

What did you learn in school today?

Principal Skinner is going to ask Aunt Patty to marry him.

Thanks kid. You made my day.

But’ nothing, Marge. She’s a heifer, plain and simple.

Oh, there’s the little prom queen now.

Can the sweet talk, you’re right. It’s time to ashcan my girlish hopes and dreams and grab hold of the next train out of the station.

Is that Selma? Ring-a-ding-ding!

Oh, shut up.

Why are you all dolled up like a chorus girl?

It takes a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse.

It’s time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.

Take it to the hoop, Selma.

Hey, look what I brought… Schnapps?

I’ll take that.

You seem preoccupied tonight, my little… pudding cup.

My sister’s on a date with a big fat rummy.

Oh, well there’s something up here that will pick up your spirit.

“Marry me Patty”

Jeezum Crow! Look at the size of that rock.

It’s the second most precious jewel in this bell tower. Patty, the question before you is will you marry me?

Well, Seymour, I don’t know. I mean, this is so awk…

Just say whatever’s in your heart.

Okay, you see. It’s not that I don’t love you…

You love me! Caloo Calay!

Yes, yes. But…

But?

You see, I’m a twin…

You have a special tie to your sister…

… Mmm-hmm. And the only man I could marry would have to understand–

… that you couldn’t leave your sister for any man. Oh.

Yes, so I know you appreciate why I can never…

See you again?

Exactly. It’s kind of a catch twenty-two.

Farewell, my Pattycake.

Good night, sweet Principal.

Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again! After all, tomorrow is another school day!

And then when I got out of the service, well, the next few years are a blur.

Patty. Where’s Skinner?

We decided we loved each other enough never to see each other again!

I hope I can find a man like that. Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me?

Yes.

Thanks.

Now let’s get some pancakes.

Listen Barney, I… Eh.

She broke my heart, Moe.

Don’t worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.

Well, what do you know. You’re right! And look, a whole pitcher to myself.

I told you you’d be back!

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