Homer vs. Lisa vs. The 8th Commandment

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Homer vs. Lisa vs. The 8th Commandment

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Homer vs. Lisa vs. The 8th Commandment

Hey, good evening, Hezron, Carver of Graven Images.

Ah, good evening, Homer the Thief. How is business?

Been a little slow these past few months. Not much to steal in the desert, you know.

Ah, do not worry, my friend. I figure we’ll be wandering out here another two weeks, tops.

Heh, heh, heh, heh.

Ah, good evening, Zohar the Adulterer. My wife sends her warmest regards.

Ah, yes, she’s a good woman. Very good.

Thank you, my lusty friend.

.

Ooh, Moses is back.

Quick, everybody look busy.

The Lord has handed down to us Ten Commandments by which to live. I will now read them in no particular order: Thou shalt not make any graven images.

Oh, my God!

Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Ah, well. Looks like the party’s over.

Hey, Moses, keep ‘em comin’.

Thou shall not steal.

Sorry, Homer.

That is the most dishonest thing I’ve ever heard.

Huh?

I should box your ears you, you, you… You Sneaky Pete!

Easy, tiger.

Hey, you easy. Now, get off my property! Off!

Hey, Flanders. Who put that bug up your butt?

Ohhh. I wanted to subscribe to that new Arts and Crafts Channel. Well, sir, they send over this flimflam man to install it, and do you know what he did? He offered to hook me up illegally to every cable channel for only fifty bucks.

Boy, what’s this world coming to?

You know, that’s exactly what I –

Gotta go.

Hey, stop, cable man! Stop!

What do you want?

I want free cable.

So this is okay, I mean everybody does it, right?

What? Oh, hey, if you’re having second thoughts, just read this pamphlet.

“So You’ve Decided To Steal Cable.”

Uh-huh.

“Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations, which makes it okay.”

Cable. It’s more wonderful than I dared hope.

Don’t you hate it… when you go to the bathroom and… there’s no toilet paper?

It’s funny ‘cause it’s true!

Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable.

Cable? / Us? / Wow! / We have cable!

That’s right. Sixty-eight channels. MTV for the kids. VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming every day!

Homer, we talked about cable before. Do you really think we can afford it?

Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.

Are you sure this is legal?

Don’t worry, Marge. Take a look at this.

“Myth: It’s only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less and are repeated ad nauseam.” Hmm, well, I don’t know.

Marge –

“Hear Me Roar – The Network For Women.”

In the next half hour we’ll show you how to cut your first aid bill in half by making your own bandaids.

Ooh. That’s a good idea.

Now before we begin you’ll need five yards of sterilized cotton…

El Mummeo le pone en el “Sleeper Hold”. Donde esta los medicos de Mexico?

Oooo. Pro wrestling from Mexico. You know, down there it’s a real sport.

Cool. This is where Jaws eats the boat.

Cool. This is where Die Hard jumps through the window.

Cool. This is where Wall Street gets arrested.

Mr. Speaker, if I could call your attention to the Retroactive Subsidy Appropriations Override Bill. I refer you to page four thousand five hundred and…

They must think people will watch anything.

Live from New Orleans – this is the World Series of Cockfighting. Oh, son of a gun we’ll have big fun on the bayou tonight…

We’d get there quicker if I drove my Dad’s car.

I don’t know, Davey.

Aren’t you ready for church, Homer?

Huh, wha’? Oh, okay.

Now today’s Christian doesn’t think he needs God. He thinks he’s got it made. He’s got his hi-fi… his boob tube… and his instant pizza pie…

Oooh. Pizza.

All right, children. Now, I don’t want you to get frightened, but it’s my responsibility to teach you this. Today’s topic will be “hell”.

All right. I’ve sat through mercy and I’ve sat through forgiveness. Finally, we get to the good stuff.

Oh hell is a terrible place. Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket. There’s a lake of fire burning with sulfur, you’ll be tormented day and night forever and ever. As a matter of fact, if you actually saw Hell, you’d be so frightened, you would die.

Oh, Miss Albright.

Yes, Bart.

Wouldn’t you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?

No. Yes, Bart.

Are there pirates in hell?

Yes. Thousands of them.

Oh, oh, baby!

So what you’re saying is, there’s a down side to the afterlife. How does one steer clear of this abode of the damned?

By obeying the Ten Commandments.

Ten simple rules that are easy to live by.

So, what did you children learn about today?

Hell.

Bart!

Well, that’s what we learned about. I sure as hell can’t tell you we learned about hell unless I say hell, can I?

The lad has a point.

Hell, yes.

Bart!

Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.

Bart, you’re no longer in Sunday School. Don’t swear.

Hey, anybody up for a little so-called pay TV?

Dad, are you sure this isn’t stealing?

Read the pamphlet, honey.

Hello. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such movies as “Cry Yuma!” and “Here Comes the Coast Guard”. But today I’d like to talk to you about a pleasant-tasting candy that actually cleans and straightens your teeth.

Oh, goody! A program-length advertisements!

Wait a minute, Troy. I’m a little confused. Did you say, “cleans and straightens”?

There’s no confusion, Tina, just good science. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.

Thank you, Troy. Hi everybody!

Now for if I had a volunteer. Somebody with crooked yellow teeth.

Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us.

It won’t cost you a thing… except your soul!

What’s gotten into Lisa?

Beats the hell out of me.

Bart!

Ehhhh!

Mom, what are you doing?

What? Whadda ya mean?

Well, don’t you remember the Eighth Commandment?

Oh, of course. It’s thou shalt not… uh… covet… graven images… something about covet…

Thou shalt not steal!

Anything else?

Yes. I ate two grapes. Please charge me for them.

Oh, two grapes? Who cares?

Just charge me something, please.

Yeah, okay, all right. I need a price check on two grapes. Yeah, you heard me, Phil, two measly, stinking grapes.

If you didn’t catch it in the theater, or rent it, or see it someplace else, we’ve got it – on the Blockbuster Channel!

Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption?

Oh, great… All right, what makes you say that?

Well, at Sunday School we learned that stealing is a sin.

Well, duh.

But everybody does it! I mean, we’re stealing cable as we speak.

Oh. Hm, look at it this way. When you had breakfast this morning, did you pay for it?

No.

And did you pay for those clothes you’re wearing?

No, I didn’t.

Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker, before I call the Feds.

Dad, I think that’s pretty spurious.

Well, thank you honey.

Friday night, live from Las Vegas. The ultimate match-up. The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out.

Whooo!

It’s Watson-Tatum II. This time, it’s for money!

Oh, boy!

Only on the Blockbuster Channel.

How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness?

Hey, big fight comin’ up.

Yeah, you want to come over to my house and listen to round-by-round updates on the radio?

Oh yeah, okay. Oh, then after the fight, we can watch the still photos on the eleven o’clock news.

Not too shabby! Whadda you say, Homer?

We could do that, hmm, yeah, or… we could go over to my house and watch the whole thing live on cable TV.

Pass the pumice, please.

Uh, he’s Homer Simpson, sir. One of your drones from sector 7G.

Excellent. I’m so keen on seeing Watson vs. Tatum II, I’d even go to an employee’s house. Oh, I can picture it now. The screen door rusting off its filthy hinges. Mangy dog staggering about looking vainly for a place to die.

Permission to speak frankly, sir.

Permission granted.

Well, you are quite wealthy sir.

Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing.

No, no, I mean, why don’t you pay for the fight yourself?

Eh, Smithers, a big title fight is one of those rare occasions that I savor the sights, the sounds; and, ah yes, the smells of other men.

You haven’t lost the common touch, sir.

So, Homer, I hear you got the fight.

Yeah, that’s right. Eight o’clock, my place. Come one, come all.

Hey, Moe, how come you never got cable for the bar?

Well, it was either cable or the mechanical bull.

I made my choice and I stand by it.

Ooh! Somebody’s having a party.

Yeah, Friday night. You want to come over?

Thank you, but this store is open twenty-four hours. It puts great demands on my time.

Oh, too bad. It’s gonna be a great fight.

Oh, the fight. Why didn’t you say something? I’ll get my brother, Sanjay, to cover for me. He deplores violence of all kinds.

So, even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family, that would be stealing?

No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.

I see.

Come on, Lisa, now you’re here for a reason. Is your father stealing bread?

Maybe. I don’t watch him every minute. But what I am sure of is, we’re getting cable for free.

Well, I’m afraid that is stealing, Lisa, and I think you must do something… hmmm.

Should I have my father arrested?

Well, Lisa, on the surface, that would appear to be an ideal solution to the problem. But remember the Fourth Commandment, “Honor thy father and thy mother.” Hmmm, Lisa, I would like to see you set an example by not watching the offending technology yourself?

Thank you, Reverend Lovejoy.

You’re watching Top Hat Entertainment. Adult programming all day, every day, except in Florida and Utah. Coming up next, “Stardust Memories.”

Aye Carumba!

Bart!

Dad!

Oh, here’s what I was looking for.

Blue chips closed up three and three quarters… Oil service stocks slumped slightly on news of OPEC’s continuing stalemate at their meeting in Geneva, Switzerland.

Son, you shouldn’t watch that other channel. It’s only for mommies and daddies who love each other very much. I want you to promise me you won’t watch that channel ever again.

Okay.

Promise me.

I promise I will never watch that channel again.

Good boy.

Hi, Dad. I think stealing cable is wrong. So I’m choosing not to watch it in the hope that others will follow my example. It’s the last you’ll hear from me on the matter. Thank you for your time.

Hey Lisa – Racing from Belmont? Horsies!

Sorry, I’d rather go to heaven.

There is something wrong with that kid. She’s so moral. Why can’t she be more like… well, not like Bart, but there’s gotta be a happy medium.

Well, you know, Bart was looking at that racy movie today, and Lisa’s losing a little respect for you… Maybe we should think about unhooking the cable.

Unhook it?! But I love cable.

Well, then maybe you should pay for it.

Look, look, Marge. I can’t afford it. When I can afford to pay for it, I will. But I can’t, so I’m not going to.

But Homer, I’m afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home.

Marge, I never put my foot down about anything.

No.

…but I am severely tempted to do it over this.

Oh, Homer.

Marge, I’m sorry, I think it’s coming down.

No, Homer, not over this. No, no.

It’s coming down. My foot is, that’s it, Marge. It’s coming down. The cable stays. The foot has spoken.

Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Ugh! Soccer. Seen it.

Hey, Simpson!

Huh? Hey, how’d you get in here?

Well, your door wasn’t locked in any serious way. I wonder if you’d be interested in this car stereo? A five hundred dollar value, but I’ll let you have it for forty bucks.

Get out of my house! I don’t wanna associate with criminals.

Well, maybe I’ll go see your neighbor.

He’s not home.

Even better.

Are you sure you want to do this, Homer? It doesn’t look friendly.

Marge, we can’t be too careful. There are thieves everywhere, and I’m not talking about the small, forgivable stuff.

Come one, come all, Top Hat Theatre is on the air. The most beautiful women in the world. Just fifty-cents. I am your host, Bart Simpson. You must be at least eight years old to enter.

And now, the Top Hat Channel is honored to present, “Broadcast Nudes.”

Gross!

Yet strangely compelling.

It’s a raid!

Huh? What the? I know you – come back here…

Bart, you promised me you wouldn’t watch that trash! Now go to your room.

Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules.

Oh great.

Here, I brought some imported generic beer.

Thank you, Barney. How many people are coming, Homer?

Just a select circle of my friends.

Oh Hello, Mrs. Homer. I have brought an assortment of jerkies.

Oh, didja swipe those from work?

Certainly not. What has been implied here?

Oh, no sir, there is no love lost between these two warriors. In fact, we almost had a scuffle earlier today, at the weigh-in.

I understand you have a special motivation going into this bout.

Yeah, I want to dedicate this fight to my manager Vinnie, who got me here, and then passed away just two weeks ago.

Any response to that?

Yeth, I would also like to dedicate thIS fight to the memory of his deceased manager.

You can’t do that!

I can do whatever I want!

You dedicate the fight to your manager, man!

I just want to call attention to the fact that I’m not watching this fight. It’s my form of non-violent protest.

Hey, Homer, I brought ya…

Quick, it’s Moe. I gotta hide the mugs…

Hey!

All right, will you… Hey, go protest outside will ya, now!.

Hey, Homer. I brought you a mug.

Oooh, thank you, Moe! I always wanted one of these.

Mr. Burns! Bart… quick. Hide the stuff I “borrowed” from work.

Borrowed?

All right, the stuff I stole from work!

Oh, okay.

Now, c’mon. Take all this, and this, put it in the closet.

Will you quit staring at me like that!

Oh, hello, Simpson.

We were just in the neighborhood and thought we’d drop by.

Ugh, ah, hello, Mr. Burns. Would you like to watch the fight?

The fight? Don’t mind if I do. Oh, Simpson. Good news – I brought some munchies. Smithers – the Cheetos.

Are you Homer Simpson?

Yeah.

Word on the street is that you have an illegal cable hook-up.

No… No I… It wasn’t me… It was it was my wife’s, my wife’s idea… yeah, yeah… I would never…

Hey, hey, settle down big fella.

We were, whoa, we were just wondering if we could watch the fight?

Oh, sure, sure. Be my guest.

Lisa, I brought you some lemonade for your protest.

Thanks, Mom. It doesn’t seem to be going very well.

Well, don’t give up. When you love somebody you have to have faith that in the end they will do the right thing.

The Challenger learned how to fight in the notorious projects of Capital City and honed his skills while serving time for aggravated assault and manslaughter in Springfield Prison.

All right, a local boy!

For five years I was, I was incarcerated, away from my family and the mothers of my children. The conditions were irrevocable.

Oh, no.

Marge, Lisa, Maggie…

Shake hands. Keep it clean.

Come on, boy.

Excuse me. I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know I’ve made a couple of really important decisions. Number one: I’m cutting the cable as soon as the fight’s over. And Number Two: I’m not very fond of any of you.

Well, back to the fight.

Sit down, boy!

Dad, we may have saved your soul.

Yeah, at the worst possible time.

Eight… nine… ten…

This fight is history! Stick a fork in it, it’s done. A stunning knockout by a thunderous bolo punch in the closing seconds of the twelfth round, and Drederick Tatum is the new Champion of the World!

Everyone to my place for blueberry Squishees and microwave burritos!

The greatest fight ever and I missed it.

We’re really proud of you, Dad.

What a donnybrook game, Mr. Burns.

Oh, hogwash! Why, I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds. Back then, of course, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back.

Cable clippers, please.

Here you go, Homie.

Go for it Dad!

Dad, I beg you to reconsider. Tractor pulls, Atlanta Braves baseball, Joe Franklin…

Oops.

Third time’s the charm.

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