Bart the Daredevil

Live from the Springfield Center for the Performing Arts, the Wrestling Match of the Century.

Today Rasputin, The Friendly Russian.

Hey, didn’t he used to be the Mad Russian?

Yes, but I’m afraid the forces of history have changed wrestling, perhaps forever.

And the challenger, from the University of Heidelburg, Professor Werner Von Brawn. That’s Brawn with a ‘W’.

Two titans at the height of their careers. Ah, if you ask me, this is going to be one hell of a match.

Oh, Bart, I hope you’re not taking this seriously. Even a five-year-old knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet.

Rasputin’s got the reach, but on the other hand, the Professor’s got his patented coma lock. If you ask me, this is gonna be one hell of a match.

Oh, look at that show-off. kissing his own muscles. Boo!

Boo!

Rasputin is spinning the Professor like an auto gyro! That’s got to be disorienting!

Hey, Milhouse, crank it up.

Hey, that’s my seat.

Correction, was your seat.

But I only got up to go to the can.

Hey, I don’t see your name engraved on the bar stool.

.one.two.three.four.

.five. six.

.seven.eight. nine. ten. eleven.

The ref is issuing a warning to Rasputin.

Oh, my. Oh, my. Why is the referee permitting this?

This Saturday, for one night only, your life will be changed forever.

Saturday.

Saturday.

SATURDAY! At the Springfield Speedway.

Speedway.

Speedway!

Don “Crusher” Woodard.

Jon “The Skunk” Trumane.

And The Team Tomomatsu Dirt Riding Dunk Masters in the year’s biggest.

MONSTER TRUCK RALLY!

One night only.

Plus the amazing.

The astounding.

The unbelievable.

TRUCK-A-Saurous!

Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing prehistoric insanity.

Whoa.

One night only.

One night only.

One night only! At the Springfield Speedway. This Saturday.

If you miss this, you’d better be dead or in jail.

And if you’re in jail, break out!

Be there!

TRUCKASAUROUS!

I have an announcement to make. As a family growth thing, Bart and I think we should all go to the Monster Truck Rally this Saturday.

Aren’t you forgetting something?

Uh. Monster Truck Rally, growth thing. No, I don’t think so.

Lisa’s recital is Saturday night.

I’ll be playing my first solo. If you miss it on Saturday, I’d advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday.

But Truckasaurous is one night only!

Oh, cruel fate. Why do you mock me?

Now, come on, you two. What time does your little truck game start?

Eight o’clock, but what does it matter?

Well, Lisa’s recital starts at five o’clock. We could go to both.

Marge, you’re a genius.

People let’s have good assembly manners. People, people. Quiet down, now, please. Don’t make me flick the lights on and off. Thank you. Ladies, gentlemen, parents and music lovers. Welcome to the first in a series of Saturday evening concerts.

Series?!

Tonight Sherbert’s. . uh, Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony.

Oh, good, unfinished. This shouldn’t take long.

Remember, children, stay together. Five, six, seven, eight.

That was beautiful. Can we go now?

Sit down, Homer.

How much longer was Sherbert planning on making this piece of junk?

Oh my, Lisa was wonderful. She certainly’s come a long way with her fingering.

Thanks, Flanders. Big know-it-all.

When’s Todd’s solo, Dad?

Shhh. It’s coming up, son, it’s coming up.

My son. my son.

Come on, Flanders, he’s not that bad.

I reached him.

Homer, drive defensively.

Sometimes the best defense is a good offense.

Faster, Dad. Truckasaurous awaits.

Damn, no spots.

Ooo, I think there’s one over there.

Dad?

Not now, Lisa.

Homer.

What?

Truckasaurous!

Where, where?

Pull, pull you dogs.

Well, let’s see here, cracked windshield, melted bumpers, punctured radiator. Teeth marks in the trunk. On the plus side, there doesn’t seem to be any frame damage. This check should take care of everything.

Thank you so much.

Uh, Mrs. Simpson, um, I’m Leo G. Clark, inventor, owner and operator of Truckasaurous. Let me just say that Truckasaurous feels very badly about what happened, and everyone here at Team Truckasaurous would like you to enjoy this half bottle of domestic champagne for being such good sports.

Hmmm, well, thank you. Gee, everyone’s so nice here at the Monster Truck Rally. Look, Homer, champagne!

And now Majestic Undercoating is proud to present Ms. Monster.

Wow, a woman mud-pull driver.

Another barrier broken. Right on, sister!

Let the destruction begin! Hey, they forgot my corn dog.

Gimme some nachos, Homersaurous.

Here you go, Bartasaurous.

For our last event of the evening we have a special surprise guest! The world’s greatest daredevil. The man who’s no stranger to danger. If he’s not in action, he’s in traction. Captain Lance Murdock!

Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children, I’m glad you’re all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death.

Tonight, my most dangerous stunt.

I will deaf defy both nature and gravity by leapin’ over this tank of water

filled with man-eating great white sharks, deadly electric eels, ravenous piranhas, bone-crushing alligators, and perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle, one ferocious lion.

I almost forgot.

To add a real element of danger, one drop of human blood.

On the chance that I don’t survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives so buckle up.

This is so cool.

Oh I can’t watch.

He made it!

Bitchin’!

He’s okay, folks.

What a fun-filled evening.

Ladies and gentlemen. The ten year old who’s brave and bold. When he’s not in class, he’s risking his ass. The world’s greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson.

Bart, Bart. We’re home, son.

Dad, I want to be a daredevil.

Kids say such stupid things.

You’re crazy, Bart.

You’re never gonna make it.

Spare me your lectures, ladies.

Oof!

Oh, no! He’s hurt!

Bad!

Let’s get outta here!

Oh, my little boy, .

Come on Marge, we’re mad at ‘im.

Are you all right?

Better than all right, I got stitches.

Ewwww.

Probably a scar, too.

Mrs. Simpson, Bart tells me he injured himself training for a career in death defiance?

Yes, well, we saw a daredevil last night and, well, you know, monkey see, monkey do.

Hmmm. I think I know something that might discourage him from this sort of behavior.

Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by imitating stunts they saw on television, movies and the legitimate stage.

This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman.

This boy’s brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match.

I won’t even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.

Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence.

Well, as tragic as all this is, it’s a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment.

Amen! Well, Bart, has Dr. Hibbert made his point?

He certainly has, Dad. I learned a real lesson here today. Thank you. Dr. Hibbert.

Hmmm.

I did it!

Oh man, you’re the king.

Thank you. How ‘bout a hand for these brave little animals?

Oh, hi, kids. Thanks.

Okay, field trippers. Off the bus.

What’s the matter, Bart?

I’m runnin’ on empty, Milhouse. You kids get a kick out of my jumps, and I love you for it, but it’s all too easy.

There’s got to be a challenge out there worthy of me.

Hello, children, and welcome to Springfield Gorge.

Wow!!

Man, this thing’s pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one’d ever find it.

Otto, I’m gonna leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.

You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.

What?

Cool!

Hey, Otto! Can I use that microphone?

Sorry, Bart-dude. It’s for emergencies only.

But I want to tell them about my jump.

Oh, okay.

May I have you attention, please. This Saturday I will be jumping over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. There is a good possibility I will plunge to my bloody death. Hope to see you there, thank you.

Springfield Gorge? Bart, you’ll be killed!

Lisa, I don’t know how to explain this, but I get the same thrill out of jumping over stuff that you do from reading.

Please, before you do anything, there’s someone I’d like you to talk to.

Thank you for arranging this, Dr. Hibbert.

Oh anything I can do to stem the tide of entertainment-related injury. Now, children you’re about to meet the world’s greatest daredevil, Lance Murdock.

Lance, this is Lisa and Bart Simpson. Bart is one of your biggest fans.

It’s an honor, Lance. How you feeling?

Ow! Doc, I heard a snap.

Hmm. I’m afraid the bone’s broken. Well, that’s all of them.

Don’t worry, partner. I’ve broken that thumb dozens of times. Hey, I bet you’d like an autograph. Nurse.

Who should I make this out to?

Just Bart will be fine, sir.

To Bart: Thanks for visiting me at Springfield General Hospital. Your visit was a ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day. Your pal, Captain Lance Murdock.

Wow, man! Thanks, Lance.

You’re welcome. Take this thing out of my mouth now.

Mr. Murdock, my brother is thinking about jumping Springfield Gorge on a skateboard.

Could you leave me with the young’uns, please?

Now let me start by saying. good for you, son. It’s always good to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now, a lot of people are gonna be telling you you’re crazy, and maybe they’re right. But the fact of the matter is: bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor to daredevil ratio in the world.

But Captain Murdock!

Thanks, Lance.

You’re welcome, little pardner. On your way out, tell the nurse I’m ready for my sponge bath. Another fringe benefit. Nurse.

Springfield Gorge? I thought we settled this daredevil junk.

Squealer.

I’m sorry, Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra attention I’d receive, I’d miss you.

Bart, I forbid you to jump over that gorge.

You can’t.

I can and do. Go to your room, Bart! There, I’ve done it. I’m glad somebody finally stepped in and put an end to this nonsense once and for all.

Hey, man, you can tell me not to do it, but there’s no way you can watch me twenty-four hours a day. And the minute your back is turned, I’m grabbing my skateboard and headin’ for that gorge.

He’s got us, Marge. There’s nothing we can do. He’s as good as dead.

Homer, you’re his father. You’ve got to try and reason with him.

Oh, that never works. He’s a goner.

Oh, come on, Homer. A heart to heart talk with your son, you’ve got to try.

Okay, okay. I’ll try.

Bart? Bart?

Bart! What are you doing?

Ah, nothing.

You were on your way to jump the gorge, weren’t you?

Maybe.

Look, I know I can’t stop you. The only thing I can do is ask you to promise me you won’t jump the gorge.

Okay, I promise.

What’s the matter?

You didn’t mean that. Bart, this isn’t one of those phoney-baloney promises I don’t expect you to keep. If you make this promise, you have to keep it.

Why?

‘Cause if you don’t, I’ll never believe anything you say, ever again.

Aw, come on.

I mean it, boy.

Well, okay, Dad. I promise. I will not jump Springfield Gorge.

That’s my boy.

How’d it go, Homer?

You know, Marge, we got a pretty good kid there.

Well, he’s got a pretty good father.

Where is he? I thought he said noon.

Aw, he’s just doing this to build the suspense.

Whoa, what a showman.

Look, there he is!

Hey, boy. Wanna toss the old –

Why that little liar! I should. and I was gonna play pickle with him.

BART!

Hey, what gives?

Boy, I’ve tried ordering you, I’ve tried punishing you, and God help me, I even tried reasoning with you, and the only thing left for me to do is for me to jump the gorge myself.

What? Why?

Because that way you’ll see what it’s like to witness a family member stupidly risking his life for no good reason.

But, Dad, you’ll never make it.

Don’t you think I know that?

Goodbye, son.

Wait, dad. Don’t do it. I won’t jump anymore, I promise.

Ohhh, thank God. Thank God. Thank God.

I love you, Dad.

I love you too, son. You know, boy, I don’t think I’ve ever felt as close to you as I do right –

I’m going to make it! I’m going to make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I’m king of the world! Woo hoo! Woo hoo!! I–

You think you’ve got guts, try raising my kids.