Bart vs. Thanksgiving

Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!

She took my glue!

It’s not yours, Bart! This is family glue!

Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving! So glue friendly, or I’ll take your glue away and then no one will have any glue to glue with!

Dad, this isn’t about glue. It’s about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I’m using it.

Oh yeah? Prove it!

Here.

Hey, man, I don’t want your stupid glue.

Uh-oh. Here comes our friend, Bullwinkle J Moose.

Heh. heh. heh. Bullwinkle’s antler sprung a leak.

Uh-oh. it looks like ol’ Bullwinkle’s kinda got a taste of his own medicine!

He certainly did, Bill!

Wait, what did that mean? Did what I say make sense?

Well. no. not really, Bill!

Boy, now I know how the Pilgrims felt.

What’re you talking about, Bill?

Who the hell is that?

Bullwinkle.

Who? Wait a minute, who’s that?

Underdog! Don’t you know anything?

Well, I know it wouldn’t hurt ‘em to use some cartoons made in the last fifty years.

Son, this is a tradition. If you start building a balloon for every flash-in-the-pan cartoon character, you’d turn the parade into a farce.

Maggie, I’m about to unveil my centerpiece to the family!

It’s a tribute to the trailblazing women who made our country great. See, there’s Georgia O’Keefe. Susan B Anthony. and this is Marjorie Stoneman Douglas. I’m sure you haven’t heard of her, but she worked her whole life to preserve the Florida Everglades.

As one of the Simpson women, would you like to contribute something to it?

Oh, thank you.

Honey, please. You’re in the way.

Can’t I help you, Mom?

Well, okay. Let’s see. Can you do the cranberry sauce?

Yeah! Where is it?

The can is in the cupboard on the bottom shelf.

Here?

No, no, no, the other shelf.

Got it. Now what?

Open the can.

No problemo. Where’s the can opener?

It’s in the second drawer from the right.

No, no, no, no, the other one.

Oh, I got ya.

It’s broken, Mom. Mom, it’s broken. Mom, it’s broken. Mom, it’s broken. Mom, it’s broken. Mom, it’s broken.

I don’t think that it’s broken, honey. Here, let me try.

Here you go.

Ah, cranberry sauce ā la Bart.

Just stick it in the refrigerator when you’re done. Bart. Bart?

See, Maggie? Those silver and blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys. They’re Daddy’s favorite team, and he wants them to lose by less than five and a half points. Understand?

Oh, Kogen’s got Wolodarsky open way down field, and it’s complete!. Ooooh, what a hit!

Oh yeah, he’s out cold, Gil.

Oh, yes sir. Looks like they’ll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube.

Heh. heh. Hope they can fit a turkey in there!

Get on with it, Gil.

Homer, shouldn’t you go pick up Grampa?

Halftime, Marge, halftime.

Ding-dong!

Here comes the cavalry!

Homer, you promised to be nice to my sisters.

I know, I will.

You brought food.

Just a few things. Swedish meatballs.

Mmm-hmmm, and my trout almondine.

You knew that I was cooking a turkey.

Which is fine!

More power to ya!

It’s just that some people find your turkey a little dry.

Mmm-hmm, and if they want an option. they’ll have it.

Hi, Patty. Hi, Selma.

Good to see ya. Well, gotta pick up my old man! ‘Bye!

So insincere.

I don’t know how she puts up with him.

And now, get set for our fabulous half-time show, featuring the well-groomed young go-getters of “Hurray for Everything!”

Oh, I love those kids! They’ve got such a great attitude!

Ladies and gentlemen. “Hurray for Everything” invites you to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth. the Western hemisphere! The dancin’-est hemisphere of all!

Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree, I have some happy news. The following people have relatives who wish they could be here today: Antonowski, Conroy, Falcone, Martin, Thorsen and Walsh.

Oh, and Mrs. Spencer. you, too.

Oh, I knew they wouldn’t forget me!

Come on, Dad. Let’s get outta here.

Slow down, boy. What’s your hurry?

This place is depressing.

Hey, I live here!

Oh, well, I’m sure it’s a blast once you get used to it. Let’s go.

Mom! You made it! How are you!

I have laryngitis and it hurts to talk, so I’ll just say one thing: You never do anything right.

And the Silverdome, now ablaze with flashbulbs, as “Hurray for Everything” leaves the field! Of course, a stadium’s much too big for flash pictures to work, but nobody seems to care!

That’s no way to lay a fire! Where’s your kindling?

This thing’s gonna be roaring any time now!

Even a caveman could start a fire.

Dinner! Dinner time, everybody! Dinner!

The hell with this.

Okay, Lisa, we’re ready for your centerpiece!

Lisa! My goodness! That’s very impressive!

Holy moly! That’s the biggest. one of those I ever saw.

I always said she was gifted. Definitely from our side of the family. Right, Mom?

Leave me alone.

How long did that take you, honey?

I couldn’t tell you how many hours. It was a labor of love. It’s my homage to some American heroes who may not have fought in any wars, but who nevertheless.

Da da daah da da dah daaahhh.

Speaking of heroes, here’s mine. Tom Turkey!

Yikes! What is that?

It’s the centerpiece, Bart!

Well, it’s taking up valuable real estate.

Hey, Bart, stop it!

Move it or lose it, toots!

Mom!

Now, just wait a minute! I’m sure there’s room for both.

Baaart! You’re wrecking it! LET GO! I worked forever on this!

Hey! That got ‘er goin’!

Bitchin’!

BAAARRTT!

You don’t even care! You don’t even care!

All right, Bart that’s it! Go to your room NOW!

Okay. I’ll take some white meat and stuffing to go. and, send up the pumpkin pie in about twenty minutes.

I said NOW!

Mom, do I have to?

Yes, you do! I hope you’re happy, Bart! You’ve RUINED THANKSGIVING!

I didn’t ruin Thanksgiving! She did. Buncha jerks. I always get blamed for everything.

.And, Lord, we’re especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. Anyway, we’d like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family’s experienced. well, not today. You saw what happened. Oh, Lord, be honest. Are we the most pathetic family in the universe, or what?

Worst prayer yet.

Oh, why don’t I go talk to her?

Don’t worry, Marge’ll fix everything.

Honey, your food is getting cold.

That’s all right.

Lisa, I’m very sorry about what happened.

Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece! Things like that always happen in this family!

I’ve noticed that, too. Well, when you feel like coming down, we’ll be there.

Bart, you can come down to dinner as soon as you’re ready to apologize to your sister. And it’s going to be a real apology in front of everybody, and you have to mean it.

Apologize! For what?! Clearing the table? Having a sense of humor? They think they can starve an apology out of me. Ha!

Uh-oh!. I mean, good!

Hey, what are you doing?! No! Drop that drumstick! Bad dog! Bad Santa’s Little Helper. Come on. gimme that. Gimme that.

Okay, out you go!

Hey boy, come here! You’re a good dog! Come on, we don’t need them to get a Thanksgiving dinner!

Wow! Swan-ky!

Mmmm, delicious. Smithers, every year you outstrip yourself in succulence.

Thank you, sir. Oh, would you like some candied yams?

Oh, no! I couldn’t eat another bite. Dispose of all this. I did, however, save room for your special pumpkin pie.

It’s cooling on the windowsill, sir.

Mmmm. Stay here, boy.

Uh-oh!

Mr. Burns! This is Base Command!

.The intruder appears to be a young male, age nine to eleven.

Release the hounds!

“I saw the best meals of my generation destroyed by the madness of my brother / My soul carved in slices by spikey-haired demons”.

Don’t worry, boy. We’ll get some grub. Even if we have to pay for it.

Cool! The wrong side of the tracks.

Twelve bucks! Hey, I can bleed!

Hey, you gotta be eighteen to sell your blood. Let’s see some I.D.

Here you go, doll face.

Hmmm. Okay, Homer, just relax.

Ow.

At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing: I’m sorry I came.

When is that boy going to apologize?

He sure is stubborn.

Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over anything. It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn’t that true, Homer?

Yes, Dad.

Twelve bucks and a free cookie. what a country!

Cute little guy.

He’s startin’ to come around.

You look a little pale, son.

We better get you some food.

Here we are!

All right. Twelve big ones and free grub to boot. Viva skid row. Hey, it’s that anchor dude from channel six.

Oh yeah. He’s doing one of those be thankful for what you got stories.

Oh, we have lots of names for these people. Bums. Deadbeats. Losers. Scums of the earth. We’d like to sweep these people into the gutter. Or, if they’re already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way place. Oh, we have our “reasons”: They’re depressing. They wear ragged clothes. They’re “crazy”. They smell bad.

Hey, listen, man.

Wait, I’m going somewhere with this. So every year one lone conscience-salving day – we toss these people a bone. A turkey bone. And that’s supposed to make it all better.

.No, you won’t find Freddie the Freeloader, or Emmett Kelly, or even Charlie Chaplin’s beloved Little Tramp down here.

Pompous, blow-dried, college boy!

You know, his girlfriend is the weather lady.

You don’t say.

Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she’s written.

“Howl of the Unappreciated”, by Lisa Simpson. “I saw the best meal”.

It’s Bart!

What show is this?

And how long have you been on the streets?

Goin’ on five years, Kent.

Son, your family may be watching, is there anything you’d like to say?

Yes, there is, Kent. Ha! Ha! I didn’t apologize!

Oh, no! My sweet little Bart!

Hello, operator? Gimme the number for 911!

Hey, thanks for your help, fellas. This reporter smells another local Emmy.

Yeah, we’re rootin’ for you, guy.

Hey, you got some place to sleep tonight, Bart?

Yeah, there’s this family I kind of hang out with.

Sounds pretty sweet.

Yeah, I guess it is.

See you at Christmas.

A.listen, guys I was thinking, uh. unless you’d feel weird about taking money from a kid.I thought maybe.

I wouldn’t feel weird. Would you?

No, I’m comfortable with it.

Will you forget the report! He’s down at the rescue mission!

Nah, we checked. He’s long gone.

Can you think of any reason he might have run away? Anything at all?

Well uh, we did kinda yell at him. and sent him to his room. and tried to force him to apologize to his sister.

Uh, huh.

And I said he ruined Thanksgiving.

Oh. I see.

Best Thanksgiving ever, eh boy?

Goodbye. Sorry.

I’m sure Bart will be back.

I’d say something comforting. But, you know, my voice.

Let’s go. If I’m not back at the home by nine, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance.

Homer, this is a terrible thing that’s happened, but we can’t blame ourselves.

We can, and will!

Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist.

Marge, are we ever gonna see him again?

Hmmm. should I. or shouldn’t I.

Hey, everybody. I’m home.

Bart? You’re home!

Oh, my special little guy! We were so worried!

Oh it’s great to have you back, boy! We were afraid we’d lost you!

Welcome back. Bart! I’m sorry we had such a terrible fight.

Bart, isn’t there something you’d like to say to your sister?

Okay. I’m sorry, too.

No, no, no! That won’t do at all!

Yeah, boy. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.

Yeah, beg me, Bart. Beg me!

Lisa, I beg of you. Please forgive me.

Now we can blame him for everything.

It’s your fault I’m bald!

I’m sorry.

It’s your fault I’m old!

I’m sorry.

It’s your fault I can’t talk.

It’s your fault America has lost its way.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry all right! Sorry I came back here!

Aha.

Whoa!!

My wiffle balls, my frisbees, my water rockets. I’ve hit the jackpot!

A sellout crowd at the Super Bowl, Simpson down by six with two seconds left! Simpson fades back. He’s got Simpson in the open.

Touchdown, Simpson! The boy nobody wanted just won the Superbowl!!!

Dear Log, my brother is still missing, and maybe it’s my fault because I failed to take his abuse with good humor. I miss him so much already, that I don’t know.

Hey, Lis! Lisa! It’s me, Bart!

Bart.?! Where are you?

Shh! I’m on the roof!

Bart, what are you doing up here? Everybody’s worried.

Really? Did they cry?

Yes.

Bulls-eye!

Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?

Ah, come on.

Was it because you hate me, or because you’re bad?

I don’t know! I don’t know why I did it! I don’t know why I enjoyed it! And I don’t know why I’ll do it again!

Just tell me you’re sorry.

Why should I?

Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn’t there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister’s feelings.

Leave me alone!

Just look!

Okay. okay.

Hmmm, hmmm. Looking for the spot. Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. Still checking. This is so stupid. I’m not gonna find anything. Just because I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr. Uh-oh!

I’m sorry, Lisa.

Apology accepted.

You know Marge, we’re great parents!

Oh Lord, on this blessed day, we thank thee for giving our family one more crack at togetherness. Amen.