Brush With Greatness

Live from MtSplashmore, the tricounty area’s funnest water recreation facility

It’s the Krusty the Clown Show

Hey, kids

You know, today’s the last day of our special week on location at fabulous MtSplashmore

And I just want to say to the people here have been super to me and Sideshow Mel The food, the grog

oh, they threw us a brunch yesterday with fresh fruit, and the most delicious melon, all we wanted

And, of course, the thing I’m gonna miss most those special, special Mount Splashmore Water slides, God bless ‘em

So much fun

So many memories

Excuse me just a minute

It has been a great week, hasn’t it, Lis

I hope all you kids come out this weekend and really pack this place just to show ‘em how grateful I am

I told them you would Don’t make me a liar

Okay, kids It’s time to

Kroon along with Krusty

“I WANT TO GO TO MTSPLASHMORE

TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME NOW

NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW

MTSPLASHMORE TAKE ME THERE RIGHT NOW”

This is a rather shameless promotion

Hey, it worked on me

Me too

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

Will you take us to MtSplashmore, no

If I take you, will you two SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME

Yeah

Of course

Will you take us to MtSplashmore

YES

Thanks, Dad

Thanks, Dad

C’mon Homer Get the lead out

Homer, that suit doesn’t leave much to the imagination

Heads up, kids I’m moving the seat back

It is back

All right, everybody stick together We don’t want to get separated

Challenge the raging waters of death

Dare to discover what water is really made of

H 2 Whoooooaaaa Whoooooaaaa

All right No line

Aye carumba

Okay, Lis

Turn on the waterworks, babe

Mommy I want my mommy

Step aside

Come on

Spread out, spread out

Lost kid Comin’ through

Look out, fatso

Comin’ through Comin’ through

Pardon me

Movin’ to the front of the line

Hey, Lis, nice work, babe

No, Maggie

Stay in the shallow end

The hell with this

Slide inspector comin’ through

Please move to the right

Grab that handrail, young man

Outta my way, I’m here for your safety

God bless that man

Bitchin’

Oh no

Urg Arrrgh

C’mon you stupid tube

Looks like there’s a jam in delta sector

Well, it’s too big to be human

Send down a few kids, that should dislodge it

Roger

OH NOOOOOO

I can’t breathe

Too many children

Eyewitnesses estimated the man’s weight at somewhere between four and five hundred pounds

And now on the lighter side of the news, and I use the term loosely

No

The slide is perfectly safe This was an isolated incident

I understand that, Krusty

Isn’t that exactly what you said right before the recall of tainted Krusty Brand Mayonnaise

Now Kent, you know that question is out of bounds

This interview is over

All right family, I want the truth

Don’t pull any punches

Am I just a little bit overweight

Well, am I

Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugarcoat a response

Four Hundred and thirtyseven

Fiftyfive

Oh my God, three hundred and

Hey, a hundred and fifty

Oh God, it’s two hundred and sixty pounds I’m a big fat pig

Now Homer, you do have big bones

Marge, no one gains thirty pounds of bone

But I’m going on a diet

From this day forward I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent, no donut too tasty, no pizza too laden with delicious toppings, to prevent me from reaching my scientifically determined ideal weight

As God is my witness, I’ll always be hungry again

Oh, shut up

This old attic’s kinda spooky, isn’t it boy

I said, isn’t it, boy

Don’t you ever do that to me again

Okay

Bart

Get away from that thing and help me find my athletic equipment

Hey, Homer, I found your weights

Ooh, the Glutimus Maximizer

Hey, who’s the moptop with the big schnozz

Don’t you know anything, boy

That’s Ringo Starr

Your mother must have painted this I guess

she thought he was cute

Hey, what the Marge

Oh, Homer, don’t be jealous I was a schoolgirl, the Beatles were very popular and I had a crush on them

Likely story

Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night

Now, Homer

We’ve got steamed vegetables and rice cakes for you

Well, wait a minute

Hey, I’ve been setting my drinks on these things

Now, they’re only thirtyfive calories apiece

Hello Hello Hello

taste where are you

You can put a little something on top for flavor

Hey, hey, now you’re talkin’

Mom, these are really good

While I know firsthand how fragile young talent is, I’d love to hear the particulars of how your gift was squashed

Well

No, not another portrait of that bongobeating Liverpudlian

But Mr Schindler

Someone might have used this canvas to create a masterpiece Instead, you’ve soiled it forever

Now, this is art

Thank you, Mr Schindler

Oh Mom, I can’t believe you gave up painting because of one smallminded art teacher

I was so upset I decided to send the portrait to the only man on earth whose opinion I could truly trust

And what was Ringo’s response

I never got any

And I never painted again

Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College

I think it’s a very nice idea

Don’t you, Homer

Do I have to do anything

No

Great, fine, go nuts

Mmm, only thirtyfive calories

Hello, Mrs Homer

Apu What are you doing here

I’ve just enrolled in a screenwriting class

I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu pushed too far by convenience store bandits

I call it, “Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey”

Clever title

Oh, thank you

Actually, my brother Sanjay thought of it

Next up

My mother would like to enroll in “Painting From Life, 2B”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast, there, pint size

I’m afraid no one can enroll until Professor Lombardo personally inspects and approves their portfolio

Oh, Lisa, this was a bad idea

Mom

Very good

Fabulous

Ooh, even better

You have real talent

Do you really think so

My high school art teacher hated them

What

The man was a fool

But, still, one must admire the force of his conviction

Then I’m in the class

Oh my dear, there couldn’t be a class without you

Now if you’ll excuse me, nature calls Marvelous

The Heavy Hands don’t work unless you move, Homer

I can’t move, boy

Oh really

Now, using the “Lombardo Method”, you learn to see everyday objects as a simple grouping of geometrical shapes

Here we see how two concentric circles, various trapezoids, ellipses and, yes, even a rhombus, can create an adorable little bunny rabbit

It’s just that easy

Lincoln Lincoln

I been thinkin’ what the hell have you been drinkin’

Is it water is it wine

Oh my God it’s turpentine

Faster Faster

Bravo

Walk away from it

Now it belongs to the ages

You, not another stroke

Oh well, maybe one more

That’s it Perfect

Mmmm

Indeed Marge, you find the inner beauty of your subject and bring it out for all to see

Well, thank you, Professor Lombardo

Well, you’re welcome, my dear

Marge, walk with me

Marge, they’ve asked me to submit the best painting from my class to the Springfield Art Exhibition next week

I’ve decided to choose your “Bald Adonis”

Really

You’re so supportive I wish every teacher was like you

Marge, please I don’t take praise very well

Oh, another triumph

I can’t believe it

Yay, Mom

Wooooo

I’m a work of art “Last Supper”, eat your heart out

Garbage

What matchbook art school did you flunk out of, you hamfisted, nearsighted house painter

Smithers, throw this on the dung heap

I’m sorry, but this isn’t working out I quit

Well, Smithers, I guess that’s what you call your “artistic temperament”

Sir, I must remind you that the dedication of the Burns Wing of the museum is only six days away

Damnation, Smithers

This idea of yours to immortalize me in a portrait was as half baked as your idea about me having children

Smithers, find me an artist

Sir, I’m afraid you’ve systematically alienated Springfield’s entire art community

The only one left is this Mrs Homer Simpson

Who

Well, she won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair, and as the wife of an employee, she’ll be easily intimidated

Excellent

Once again the wheel has turned and Dame Fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns to her sweet perfumed bosom

Somebody up there likes me, Smithers

Somebody down here likes you, too, sir

Shut up

Woo woo

Two forty nine

Yeah

Marge, Marge

Look at me My clothes are just hanging off me

Oh, that’s wonderful, isn’t it kids

Pass the moo juice

Kids Remember what I told you about showing a little support

Way to go, Dad

You look mahvelous

What a family

Hey, what gives These donuts are pilin’ up

Yeah, Homer Simpson went on a diet

Oh my God

And I just bought a boat

Well, don’t people answer the door these days

Allow me, sir

Open up

Mr Burns

Would you like to come in

Mr Burns would like to commission you to do a portrait of him Have you ever painted the rich and powerful

Well, no just Ringo Starr

Ringo

He was the drummer for a rock ‘n roll combo called the Beatles, sir

Beatles, eh

Oh, yes I seem to remember their offkey caterwauling on the old Sullivan show

What was he thinking

Mrs Simpson, this commission and all its glory can be yours, but first you must look me straight in the eye and answer one simple question

Okay, shoot

Can you make me beautiful

I don’t think that will be a problem

I’m no matinee idol

Well, maybe not, but I have the gift of being able to see inner beauty

Hmmm Mrs Simpson, you may immortalize me

Ah, sir, at last the world will see you as I always have

Yes, yes, yes

Now don’t be stingy with the blush, Smithers

Now you Paint

Honey, I’m home

Oh, there’s an original sentiment

Take it outside, Simpson I’m male modeling

I’m painting his portrait, Homer

Oh, isn’t that wonderful

My work and my home life come together in such a nice way

Marge, may I see you in the other room

Honey, he’s nuts

He thinks he’s handsome

Please, make him look handsome

Please, please, please, please

Now, Homer, don’t worry

All I need to do is find Mr Burns’ inner beauty

What were you like as a boy, Mr Burns

Did you have a dog that you loved

Well, aieeee

There’s something on my leg

Get it off Get it off

Mr Burns, she’s just a baby

All right, all right, who took the funny pages

So, Ziggy goes to the repair shop and there’s a sign on the doorbell reading “Out Of Order”

Ah, Ziggy will you ever win

Oh, my

If you’ll excuse me, I’m changing for a board meeting

I’m so sorry, Mr Burns

Hey, Mom

Did he have those spots all over his body

I heard that

Oops

Would you feel more comfortable if I left, too, sir

Of course not, Smithers

You’re like a doctor

Smithers, I want my tea

Doesn’t it bother you that he orders you around like that

Actually, I value every second we’re together

from the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night

He’s not just my boss, he’s my best friend, too

Bah

Too hot

You’re right, sir It’s scalding me as we speak

Dear Sally In response to your letter of December the twelfth 1966, me favorite color is blue and me real first name is Richard

Thanks for the snapshot

You’re a real cute bird Luv, Ringo PS

Forgive the lateness of my reply Mr Starr, tea and crumpets

Just set it over there

Sir, if you’ll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable

Well, Wetherby, they took the time to write me and I don’t care if it takes me another twenty years

I’m going to answer every one of them

Hello

What’s this

From Springfield, USA

Gear

Will you cease that infernal tootling

I was just practicing

Mr Burns, it’s hard to discover your inner beauty while you’re shouting at an eight year old girl

We’ve only got two days left, so I’d advise you to shut up and paint

All right, scale

You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but I’ve been very good, so you better treat me right

All right

Woo woo Woo woo

Marge

I’m two thirty nine and I’m feeling fine

Look I’m using the original notches that came with my belt

That’s wonderful Homer, I’m so proud of

Let me get this straight

You’re pleased with your current appearance

Ah, why my good man, you’re the fattest thing I’ve ever seen

And I’ve been on safari If you need me, I’ll be in the refrigerator

Mr Burns, I’ve had enough of your posing I can finish the portrait myself

Thank goodness

Another day in this suburban nightmare and I would’ve needed half a white valium

Thank you for your gracious hospitality

See you at the unveiling

Homer, what are you doing

No Burns is right What’s the use

Don’t you listen to him

He’s just a mean little SOB

Marge

I thought there was some good in everybody until I met him

Yeah, well, just so long as you paint a nice picture of him by noon tomorrow

I don’t think I can

What Marge, you have to

I can’t make that man beautiful I’m just not good enough I guess I’m no artist

Hello, what’s this

It’s for you, Marge

From merry old England

From the desk of Ringo Starr

Dear Marge

Thanks for the fab painting of yours truly I hung it on me wall

You’re quite an artist

In answer to your question, yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England, but we call french fries chips

Luv, Ringo

PS Forgive the lateness of my reply

Come on, Marge

Paint I think you can do it

Okay, Homer If you think I can

Friends, art lovers, security personnel

Today is a red letter day for the Springfield Palace of Fine Art

A new wing for our museum and a portrait commemorating the man who ponied up the dough

Ladies and gentlemen, may I invite you to behold

montgomery Burns

Smithers

I don’t care for this at all

Umm

Hello My name is Marge Simpson and I painted this

Maybe you’d like to know what possessed me to do it

Well, I guess I wanted to show that beneath Mr Burns’ fearsome head with its cruel lips, spiteful tongue and evil brain, there was a frail withered body

perhaps not long for this world as vulnerable and beautiful as any of God’s creatures Provocative, but powerful

He’s bad, but he’ll die

So I like it

Marge a word, please

You know, I’m no art critic, but I know what I hate

And I don’t hate this

Your painting is bold but beautiful

And uh, incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia

I thought I did