Dancin' Homer

So, Homer. What happened in Capitol City?

Aw, Barney.

Come on, Homer. We’re dyin’ of curiosity.

Look, there’s only one thing worse than being a loser. It’s being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling the story of how he became a loser. And I never want that to happen to me.

Please, Homer.

C’mom, Homer.

Well, okay. It all started on “Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night,” down at Springfield stadium.

Oooh, well, I think we lost ‘em. Hey, and we’re at the ball park. All right! Two birds with one stone. Okay, everybody out!

You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it to the big leagues, one day.

What?Aren’t we gonna see any washed-up major leaguers?

Sure, we get a nice mix here.

I can’t think of a better place to spend a balmy summer’s night than the old ball yard.

There’s just the green grass of the outfield, the crushed brick of the infield, and the white chalk lines that divide the man from the little boy.

Lisa, honey, you’re forgetting the beer. It comes in seventy-two ounce tubs here.

I hope you’ll space out the tubs this year, Homer.

What are you getting at?

Well, last year you got a little rambunctious and mooned the poor umpire.

Marge, this ticket doesn’t just give me a seat, it also gives me the right - no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.

Ah, the Gammills. Good to see you.

You’re an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir.

Well, take your mind off contaminates for one night and have a hot dog.

Put a little smile on his card, Smithers.

Already there, sir.

The Simpsons, sir.

Ah, well, if it isn’t the Simps.

Uh… Simp-sons, sir.

Huh? Hmmm, oh, oh yes… Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa and uh, “Expecting”.

The card needs to be updated, sir.

Oh, that’s okay. The baby’s name isn’t important. Let’s go, Marge.

Oh, wow – there’s Flash Bailor! I gotta get his autograph! He used to be a star!

Hey, Flash! Will ya sign my ball?

No.

Lousy, washed-up, broken-down old tub of guts… who does he think he is anyway…

What’s the matter, boy?

He wouldn’t sign my ball.

Well, he’s a fine role model. Bart, give me that ball!

Hey, Flash, check out the mature quail headin’ this way.

Hey there, little lady. What can Flash do for ya?

Here you go, Bart.

“Hmmm, Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, Room 26… How ‘bout it? – Flash”.

Wow! Flash Bailor came on to my wife! You’ve still got the magic, Marge.

Hey, Dad, look, you’re on JumboVision!

Whoa!

Hey everybody! How you doin’? Look at me! I’m Homer Simpson! Heh…heh.

Homer… Homer… X.Y.Z.

Examine my zipper? Why? Whoops!

Thanks, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight’s first ball, the man whose name is synonymous with our nation’s safest and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns!

Ah, they love you, sir.

Heh, heh. As well they might. You know, Smithers, when I was a young buck, my patented fadeaway pitch was compared by many to the “trouble ball” of the late great Satchel Paige. Spit on this for me, Smithers.

One hocker coming up, sir.

What a lame-o!

I could actually hear the air being torn, sir.

Oh, shut up.

Hey, Burns! Hey, “Rag Arm”!

You throw like my sister, man!

Yeah, you throw like me.

Ladies and gentlemen, to honor America, will you please rise for our National Anthem…sung tonight by Springfield’s rhythm n’ blues sensation, “Bleeding Gums” Murphy.

Hi-de-hi, Springfield! Dan Hoard, mikeside. Tonight – our Isotopes take on the pesky Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. The ‘Topes are looking to snap that darn twenty-six game losing streak, longest in professional baseball. How ‘bout that? – Our sleepy town is in the record book!

Ah, sitting with the employees. I guess this proves I’m their friend. You did get me something on an aisle, Smithers? I don’t want to be surrounded by them.

Let’s go now… Sa-winggg, batter!

We want a pitcher / Not a belly itcher!

We want a catcher / Not a belly scratcher!

Here we are, sir.

Oh, no. Marge, sitting next to the boss – the best night of the year, and it’s ruined! Of all the lousy, rotten, this stinks…

All this means is you can’t wave your fanny in public.

Rub it in.

Beeer heah! Duff Beeer

Did you hear that, Marge?

Delicious frosty beer. Fat lot of good that does me, sitting next to old man Burns.

Now, Homer.

I suppose you want a beer?

Me, sir? Oh, no. Not a chance. Only idiots drink beer.

Actually, I was wondering if you’d join me. My treat.

Ohhh. Well, if someone of your stature can enjoy a beer, maybe I’m all turned around on the subject. Wait a minute, we’re not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?

No. Vendor, two, please.

Two-fifty.

THE HITTER’S OFF HIS ROCKER / KISSING BETTY CROCKER!

Good one, sir.

Oh well, I used to rile the late, great Connie Mack with that one at old Shibe Park.

LITTLE BABY BATTER / CAN’T CONTROL HIS BLADDER!

Hmmm. Crude, but I like it. What do you say we freshen up our little drinkie poos?

Don’t mind if I do.

Well, Simpsie, you up for another wave?

All right, Burnsie.

Damnation! These banjos couldn’t carry Pie Traynor’s glove.

Big Bill McCloskey coming up. As soon as he pops out, we’ll go right to the post-game show.

C’mon! All we need is a grand slam.

My one game of the year… ruined by pathetic incompetence.

What’s wrong with you people? Let’s show some spirit! Come on, get up!

Your team needs you! C’mon!!!

As I got up in front of them, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle.

… There’s some nut down in right field, dancin’ up a storm! He’s really got the crowd goin’. Let’s see if he can shake up mediocre slugger “Big Bill” McCloskey.

Swung on and belted to deep left field! It’s going… going…

It’s gone! It’s outta here! Oh, my God, the Isotopes win a game! The Isotopes win a game! The Isotopes win a game!

Well, that was certainly exciting.

Yes. Unfortunately, Homer Simpson’s shameless display of exhibitionism tainted the entire evening. I want him banned for life from all company outings.

I thank you. You’re too kind. Glad you enjoyed it, but I can’t take all the credit. The batter did his part, too.

Excuse me… You, sir – the dancing fella. I’m Antoine “Tex” O’Hara. I own the Isotopes. Would you be interested in becoming our official mascot?

M– me? A mascot for a bush league team?

I should have slept on it. Or at least stared blankly for a while. Perhaps if I’d been unable to think of a nickname, all our lives might have been spared.

Hey, get on the bus, dancin’ Homer.

Will you shut up, I’m trying to think of a name.

Well, I’m ready to punch in.

Oh, oh. Hey, cool, man.

Our lives have taken an odd turn.

Did the team ask you to dress like that, Homer?

Nope, this was my own bright idea. C’mon, we gotta hurry. Don’t fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos.

For the first time in my life, people weren’t laughing at me, they were laughing towards me.

‘Topes win! ‘Topes win! Two in a row! Two in a row!

A Simpson on a T-shirt. I never thought I’d see the day.

Hey, knock that off or I’ll stick this bat where the sun don’t shine.

Oh yeah? And where might that be? Oh.

Helen, I’m in a Caribbean mood tonight. How ‘bout giving me “Baby Elephant Walk” with a little reggae kinda beat?

Go, “Dancin’ Homer”! Git up man, git up!

Lively up yourself, Dancin’ Homer.

Bases loaded, two outs. The good guys trail by a run.

Here’s the pitch… swung on and missed – strike three. ‘Topes lose… ‘Topes lose…‘Topes lose…

You wanted to see me, “Tex”?

Homer, now we both knew when you began doing this you weren’t gonna be here forever…

Oh, oh, oh, I get it. You can’t fire the players, so you fire the mascot. You make me sick.

Homer, I’m not firing you. I just got the word – You’ve been called up to Capital City.

Me? In the majors?

That’s right.

Wait a minute, Capital City has a mascot. The greatest mascot there is: The Capital City “Goofball”.

Yeah, but he’s getting on in years and he needs someone to fill in for a couple of innings a night. Could be a big opportunity for you.

I’ll say!

Why don’t you talk it over with your family?

Because they might say no.

This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced. I should’ve listened to the kids instead of my big dumb wife.

I shouldn’t have called her that. Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. Oooh.

I can’t leave Springfield. I was born here and I thought I would die here.

It won’t be so bad. You’ll die someplace else.

Well, what am I supposed to do about friends?

Phfft. You’ll make new and better friends.

But, Dad. We’re simple people with simple values. Capital City is too big and too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us.

Homer, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this scares me a little. But we all have a calling, a reason The Almighty put us on this Earth. And yours might be to dance on dugouts.

You mean – ?

Let’s do it, Homer!

Yeah, let’s blow this pop stand and never look back.

Whatever doesn’t kill me can only make me stronger.

It’s not that simple. I’ve got to convince my supervisor to give me a leave of absence.

Sure. What would you like – four years? Five years?

So, Simpson. You’re really moving to Capital City?

That’s right, Ned.

Uh huh. And all this stuff is for sale, huh? You know, I-I-I… don’t know how to say this, but, well…

Oh, knock it off, Flanders! Don’t start blubbering on me. I’m gonna miss you too… not.

I don’t know, Bart. I mean, I’m gonna miss you and all, but…

Come on, Milhouse. This way we’ll be friends forever.

Well, okay.

Ewww!

I’m gonna miss you, spit brother.

I’m gonna miss you, spit brother.

I can’t help but feel that if we had gotten to know each other better, my leaving would actually have meant something.

Well, we have one quick stop and then it’s on to Capital City.

I can’t believe it. Our baby sister in the big city.

I’ll call you every day.

I’ll call you, too.

Look, he can use a horn.

Oh, shut up.

… Some may say that I have been given a bad break in life – little education, bald as a cue ball, ten years on the same job for the same salary but today, as I leave for Capital City, I consider myself the luckiest mascot on the face of the Earth!

With the fickle fans already forgetting me, I was ready to take the biggest step of my life.

Well kids, there it is, Capital City.

Look! The Crosstown Bridge!

Wow!

Wow!

“THERE’S A SWINGIN’ TOWN I KNOW /

CALLED CAPITAL CITY”…

The Pennyloafer!

“PEOPLE STOP AND SCREAM HELLO /

IN CAPITAL CITY”…

Kids, look! Street crime!

“IT’S THE KIND OF PLACE THAT MAKES

A BUM / FEEL LIKE A KING”…

Wow! That’s service!

“AND IT MAKES A KING FEEL LIKE/

SOME NUTTY KOO-KOO SUPER-KING”…

Look, it’s Tony Bennett!

Hey, good to see you.

“IT’S AGAINST THE LAW TO FROWN /

IN CAPITAL CITY. “YOU’LL CAPER LIKE A STUPID CLOWN / WHEN YOU CHANCE TO SEE”…

Fourth Street and D!

“…FOURTH STREET AND D!/ YEAH!/ ONCE YOU GET A WHIFF OF IT…YOU’LL NEVER WANT TO ROAM”.

The Duff Brewery!

FROM CAPITAL CITY, MY HOME SWEET HOME / CAPITAL CITY… THAT HAPPYTOWN CITY / IT’S CAPITAL CITY, MY HOME, SWEET, SWINGIN’ HOME”

Capital City – yeah!

Awww. Come to bed, Homie.

Sorry, honey. I’m just a little nervous.

We would talk about it always. For the first time in our lives, Marge fell asleep before I did.

Okay, here are your tickets. They’re supposed to be good. You’re sitting with the player’s wives. And don’t forget to cheer for me.

See you after the game, when you’re a big star.

Bart was strangely quiet. Later he explained he was confused by feelings of respect for me. That wouldn’t last.

Wow.

Omigod! I don’t believe it. It’s really you, the Capital City “Goofball”.

Hello, Dancin’ Homer. Glad to have you aboard. If there’s anything I can do for you just squeeze the wheeze.

The fifth inning will be yours. Everyone is settled in, they’ve had a coupla beers; the game is official. It’s a pretty important inning.

Wow, the fifth.

It’s also the inning I wish I had a zipper on the front of this thing, if you know what I mean.

Right, Mr. Goofball.

Hey, call me plain ol’ “Goof”. So what exactly do you have planned for us?

Well, I get up, I dance, I spell out the name of the city… all to the tune of Baby Elephant Walk.

Aah, Mancini. The mascot’s best friend. Well, see you on that field. I’ll set ‘em up, you knock ‘em down.

Well, hello, everybody. Dave Glass talkin’ at ya. We’ve got great weather here tonight under the Dome.

Let’s see. Upper, upper, upper mezzanine. Hmmm. Yes, these must be ours.

These seats stink!

You’d think the player’s wives would be a little closer to the action.

Actually, this section is for the player’s ex-wives.

And then I found out that all the while there was this bimbo in Kansas City.

Throw at his head!

Who’d’ve thought it? A free ticket to a big league park but I was too tense to enjoy the game. Every ounce of concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand.

Red hots! Get your read hots here!

Oooh, red hots.

Ladies and gentlemen. Capital City’s newest sensation, Dancin’ Homer!

Mmm, these do taste better at the ballpark. Uh oh.

There he is!

I was graceful. I was witty. Brother, I was somethin’.

But they didn’t care.

What’s with these people? Why are they sitting on their hands?

Mom, what’s he doing wrong?

I don’t know.

It was so quiet you could hear each individual smart-ass remark.

This guy doesn’t make me want to cheer.

Gee, I really pity him. Making a fool of himself in front of so many people.

These cornball antics may play in the sticks, but this is Capital City!

The only applause I got was for dragging my carcass out of there.

Hey, Mr. Showmanship! The owner wants to see you in his office right now.

I’m sorry, young man; you’re just not ready. Pick up your check at the front office… and for God’s sake, put some clothes on!

Well, I guess it’s back to good old Springfield.

But I can’t go back! Not after I’ve seen the bright lights of Capital City. I’ll wither and die like a hothouse flower.

Now stop it you two. And don’t look too down. I’m sure this is hard enough for your father.

What a family.

My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home I realized how little that helped.

So that’s it. The costume’s buried now. As my son would say, I’m one sad ape-like dude.

Wow.

What a saga.

Hey, you guys are hanging on my every word. I’ve become the center of attention.

Yeah, it’s riveting.

Tell it again, Homer.

Okay. I wonder why stories of degradation and humiliation make you more popular.