chain_reaction

Hear the legends of the Kung Fu Panda

Raised in a noodle shop

Never seeking glory or fame

He climbed the mountaintop

and earned the “Dragon Warrior” name

Kung Fu Panda

Master “Shifu” saw the warrior blossom

And master the skills of Bodacious and Awesome

Kung Fu Panda

He lives, and he trains

And he fights with the Furious Five

Protect the valley

Legends of Awesomeness

Sweet!

The two legendary warriors

strode bravely towards danger,

cutting through the thick fog like it was…

Soup.

Dangerous, evil soup.

The two best friends had been through much that day:

An epic march, a treacherous scouting mission,

the nearby shop being out of friendship bracelets,

and one of the two… Unimportant, which one…

Refusing to wear them anyway!

But they were about to face

their most fearsome part yet…

Mr. Yang.

They must pay Mr. Yang, the grumpy statue cleaner,

and return with their prize,

Shifu’s favorite ruby-encrusted statue of Ugwei,

which had grown dirty from the fearsome assault of time

and dust

and dried rice bits dropped on it… accidentally.

And with great pomp,

the processional proceeded to progress.

Never before

had such a magnificent caravan of awesomeness

trekked through these hinterlands

of what… of the… with…

What’s the word?

Po!

No, that’s not it.

Po, you’re doing it again.

Quit daydreaming out loud.

Well, I wouldn’t do it if you’d just talk to me a little.

Po, we’re on a mission.

Okay. Okay, then.

Just mission-critical stuff.

Super-important mission stuff.

Fine.

Like…

What’s your favorite color?

For me, I guess maybe blue.

Yeah, it’s all steely and cold, like me.

Ooh, but I like red.

Yeah, ‘cause red’s all fire.

Hmm, of course there’s yellow.

Yellow’s all friendly, like sunshine and mustard and…

Gah, this is hard!

They’re all so great.

Why can’t there be one color that’s so much more awesome

than the other colors, it’s, like, no contest?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

It could be, like, a color you’ve never heard of,

like grank or lipp or flugu or something.

“Hey, hey, what’s your favorite color?”

“Flugu”. “Wow, so’s mine”!

“Hey, nice shade of flugu”.

“Thanks, it’s my favorite color”.

“Mine too”!

Might bring a little peace

to the… universe.

No?

Not a fan of the flugu?

I have a rule about idle chitchat.

I don’t do it.

You have a rule about everything.

If we’re going to be best friends,

like the way I dreamed about since I was five,

you’re going to have to loosen up.

Look, I say this with complete respect.

I don’t have a favorite color.

I don’t have a favorite mushroom.

Shiitake.

I don’t know any dwarves.

And when we get back, I’m taking a monthly vow of solitude…

Alone.

Fine.

I mean, that’s how I like my solitude: Alone.

With maybe cream.

In another quarter mile, we can eat that lunch we packed.

Oh, um…

Was that for both of us?

Po!

Hold it. Push.

Huh?

Croc bandits.

Hey, there, pretty lady.

I am a boy.

He meant me.

Wow, that was easy.

Take the statue, and get the ruby.

You’ll take nothing.

Ooh!

Yeah. What she said.

Shakabu…

Looks like we’re going to do this the hard way.

Get off the chain.

Use… gah!… leave… ooh!…

Other… backhand.

I’m stuck.

Get it off. Come on.

I don’t want to be a downer,

but we can’t fight them like this.

We took an oath to protect this statue.

Capture them.

Spears!

Uh, got a feeling we don’t want to get captured here.

I’m not changing anything.

I’m saving the statue. We can take them.

Good idea, but first…

Let’s not die.

Don’t be mad.

Why would I be…

Oh, no.

Bad idea! Bad idea!

No kidding!

Try lending a hand next time.

Both: Ooh!

Ooh!

Stop doing that.

Me?

Ooh!

You know, up close, your face looks kind of angry.

Little lines right here and here.

Get off!

Ooh!

Ooh. Oh.

Is there a way of doing this

that doesn’t involve kicking me?

Yes.

Ooh! Oh, I see, a new plan.

I was about to suggest…

Ooh.

Hold on.

“Hold on”?

Let me explain handcuffs to you.

Of course.

Hey, thought that would be a serious bone-cruncher.

How about you, Tigress?

Uh, Tigress?

Tigress, wake up.

Show me how to revive you!

Okay, not sure that works.

Po, when you’re chained to someone

and you jump off a cliff,

get them to agree to it first.

That’s the protocol.

There’s a protocol for that? Who knew?

Next, you’re going to tell me there’s a protocol

for a three-foot-tall rooster

holding a battle ax and a banana.

Approach from the battle ax side.

The banana’s a decoy.

That’s a good…

One. Uh, right, got it.

I’ll write that down in my log.

Oh, I can’t believe we lost the statue

and the ruby.

Oh, did we?

Ah!

Uh, I mean…

Did we?

You got it?

I grabbed it when the statue fell,

without a plan.

Imagine that.

I guess they were too busy punching me in the face

to notice.

Losers.

Well, when they do notice, they’ll be after us.

Let’s head that way. Ooh!

Where’s the ruby?

No, seriously… wait. No, no.

Where’s the ru… where’s the ru…

Okay. Okay, all right.

Funny joke, guys.

Now give me the ruby.

Um…

We don’t have it.

I think I saw the panda take it.

That’s great.

No, that’s great,

that you watched that happen.

That’s really… You know what?

You’ve got a keen eye.

I’ve… did anybody ever tell you that?

That’s… next time, though?

Yeah?

Next time, maybe you could stop him.

Now get that ruby back!

Slow down.

This is kind of awesome, isn’t it?

Po and Tigress together on an adventure,

just the way I’d always hoped it would be.

If you count getting handcuffed, robbed,

yanked off a cliff, and failing at the mission as awesome,

then yes, it’s been awesome.

What’s next?

We’re going to get the statue back.

Oh, well,

we can’t do anything until we get these chains off.

I got an idea.

Ah!

All right.

Pull on “three”.

Ready? Ready.

Three.

I… ooh!… don’t… ee… think…

Ah!… it’s working.

You don’t just yell “three” when you say “on three”.

You actually have to count to three.

Never heard that before.

Run!

Ow!

No, no, this way.

Why would we run that way?

You always break toward cover.

Of course, proper fleeing etiquette.

I must have missed that day.

Whoa! Oof.

Do you see them?

It’s hard to tell.

They’re crocodiles.

It’s like an alligator with a different snout.

I know what they are.

If you see any large reptiles, the code word is “pudding”.

I think we lost ‘em.

We should name our adventure. Yeah.

You know how Shifu tells the story of Ugwei

and the fiery demons of Wu Zhong mountain?

We should have a name.

Yeah, how about “the fiery demons of stop talking”?

Oh, oh, oh!

We can have a song too, like:

Bow chicka dow ja-dong-adong, beeee!

The furious two

They’re going on a rampage

Dumplings.

Where?

You mean “pudding”.

Ow! What are you doing?

You said you always break towards cover.

Unless you break towards higher ground.

When did running away get so complicated?

We lost them.

Huh!

Hey, that’s a nice bell.

See, this is the great thing about traveling.

You see things you’d never see at home.

Believe it or not, Po, I’ve seen a bell before.

I’m getting the impression

you’re not having as good a time as I am.

Getting out of these cuffs will be my good time.

And that bell could cut the chain.

Great.

Time to lose the jewelry.

See what I did there?

I called the cuffs “jewelry”.

Yeah, I got it.

Uh, okay.

Uh, you’re the planner,

so all the planning is covered with your plan, right?

Right.

Mama.

Ahhhhhhh.

Did it work?

Shh! Keep your voice down.

What?

I can’t hear anything!

What words am I saying?

I think they got away.

Argh!

Darn it, guys.

We talked about this.

Remember, we gave ourselves one year to be real bandits.

We’re 11 months in.

If I have to go back to carving terra-cotta warriors

for my dad…

I am whispering!

That’s the panda.

We’re back in business.

Eat it, dad!

What?

Stop shouting.

It is cloudy, but we need to get out of here!

Can you focus, please?

Come on; They’re in here.

Hit it again.

Ooh!

Hit it.

Hit it again.

Hit it again!

Hit it!

Hit it!

Hit it! Hit it! Hit it!

What’s wrong?

Brace yourself.

Really?

You think so?

Brace… your… self.

Whoaaaa!

Darn it, guys!

Oh!

I can’t think.

I haven’t eaten all day.

Really? We ate lunch.

I ate lunch.

I ate your lunch.

Right.

Oh, ho, ho, lookee here.

I’m just gonna climb up that…

I’m just gonna…

Big belly in the way.

Don’t mind if I do.

It’s time for the crazy feet.

Whoa!

Ooh! Panda!

I can’t believe you did that.

Ugh!

All I wanted was something… To…

Eat.

You’re welcome.

Thanks, Po.

Whoa, there’s a lot of honey in this tree.

Bees produce more than they eat.

No. Huh!

You know a lot of stuff.

I studied… For a long time.

What about friends?

My friends are the twins discipline and sacrifice.

I don’t think they’d like me.

That’s okay. You’ll never meet them.

Ha ha!

Oh, you!

You made a funny.

That was funny, wasn’t it?

It has meaning on two levels.

You can’t meet them, because they’re an abstract idea,

and you won’t, because you’re lazy…

Yeah, okay. Now you’re just wrecking it.

Right.

Um, can I ask you something?

You, uh, wanted to be the Dragon Warrior, didn’t you?

Everyone wanted to be the Dragon Warrior.

But things don’t always turn out the way you think.

You think Ugwei made the wrong choice.

Okay, yeah.

Fire’s getting a little low.

Po!

I was carving a key to get the shackles opened.

I worked hours on that thing.

I… I thought it was firewood.

You didn’t think at all.

You never do, Dragon Warrior.

I’m just trying to…

Do what? Trying to do what?

Lose the statue?

Fumble through everything?

Is that the Dragon Warrior way?

Maybe Ugwei did make the wrong choice.

Tigress, you may be a great warrior,

but you stink at friendship

and fun… ship.

I’m out of here.

The handcuffs.

The honey must have slipped the cuff off.

Tigress, we’re free!

Is there nothing honey can’t do?

Po.

Po?

Tigress, we did it.

Tigress?

Tigress!

Look, you got a job to do. I got a job to do.

So why don’t you just tell me where the ruby is?

Or what? You’re going to play good croc/bad croc?

You’re going down!

I’m not playing these games with you anymore!

Forget it, Gary. She knows.

Oh, okay.

Well, I guess I’ll clean up these weapons now.

And it’s Gah-ri.

Ugh!

Crash!

If you don’t want to tell us, fine.

Then we’ll do this the hard way.

You already said that.

That’s twice now.

Hey!

It’s… it’s a good line, so shut up.

It is a good line.

Now, where was I?

I think you were going to yammer on

and I was going to do this.

Darn it!

Oh, everybody back up. Just back up.

Just back up, ‘cause she’s got a vicious kick.

Oh, who didn’t tie her up below the knees?

Come on, guys.

This is basic stuff.

Okay.

That’s it.

I’m done going easy on you.

Let me guess; You’re going to do it the hard way.

Bring it, boys.

Ha ha ha.

Prepare to be torn to pieces.

Huh?

It’s facing the wrong way!

Wha… wait… no.

Roll it back out. Turn around…

Keep preparing to be torn to pieces.

Just hold on a second.

They’re everywhere.

I need a plan.

Ow!

There’s an intruder in the woods.

Find him!

Looks like we’re doing this the hard way.

Darn it!

Po.

Po, listen, I…

You okay?

Let’s get you and the statue out of here.

I’m surprised you came back for me.

Thanks.

Well, it’s protocol.

You know, for friends.

On three.

Three! Ha!

We’re surrounded.

You take half. I’ll take half.

I’ll get the statue.

I got it.

Po.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Welcome to the fist-ival.

Allow me to punch your tickets.

Can’t… hold on.

Tigress!

Know what we need? A plan.

We need to do this together.

Why’d you do that?

Because you’re right.

Both: Together!

On three.

Both: Three!

How about a little flying panda style?

Ha!

Nice job.

No, impressive.

But I’ve got the statue, and you’ve got the…

ruby?

No, I don’t think so.

I have it right here.

Look at that.

Ha ha ha!

No!

Darn it!

Nice work.

You too.

Know what?

What?

Ugwei did make the right choice,

Dragon Warrior.

Really? Really?

Oh, wow!

I love that you just said that.

Digida, digida, digida da

The furious two

Digida-duh

Dragon Warrior and his sidekick

After the rampage

Ja jagga duka ba ba

Po?

Did you say “sidekick”?

What? No.

It was, like…

I mean…

So what is your favorite color?