good_croc_bad_croc

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good_croc_bad_croc

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Wah ta! Hya!

Hya ya!

  • And now Dreamworks’

Kung Fu Panda:

Legends of Awesomeness.

  • Hya ka-tai!

♪ Hear The Legends of the Kung Fu Panda!♪

[Imitates dramatic music]

♪ Raised in a noodle shop♪

♪ Never seeking glory or fame♪

♪ He climbed the mountain top♪

♪ And earned the Dragon Warrior name♪

Hoo! Aah! Ya!

♪ Kung Fu Panda!♪

[Imitates dramatic music]

♪ Master Shifu saw the warrior blossom♪

♪ And master the skills of bodacious and awesome!♪

♪ Kung Fu Panda♪

[Imitates dramatic music]

♪ He lives and he trains♪

♪ And he fights with the furious five♪

♪ Protect the valley somethin’ somethin’♪

♪ Somethin’ somethin’ alive♪

Ooh! Ah! Unh!

♪ Kung Fu♪

♪ Panda♪

♪ Legends of Awesomeness♪

Sweet.

[Giggling]

Doh!

Dah!

What’s that, Monkey?

Mantis, shh!

Joy luck buzzer.

[Giggling] I’m going to zap Tigress with it.

Sure, ‘cause…

[Shouting] How could that go wrong?

I know, right?

Tigress, my most trusted and loyal friend.

Joy luck buzzer?

How did you know?

Pfft! Come on, Monkey. What fool would fall for that?

Hey, everybody.

All: Hey!

Hey.

Po, my most trusted and loyal friend.

Monkey!

[Screaming]

Ooh! [Giggling]

My most annoying friend.

Oh, Po, you are so gullible.

You can’t talk to the Dragon Warrior that way, right?

Up high, good sir!

Thanks, Monkey. [Screaming]

Ooh!

[Giggling]

Sorry.

Ha, that’s okay, Monkey. [Screaming]

[All laughing]

Gullible.

Fft! Gullible?

I’m not gullible.

They’re gullible if they think I’m gullible.

Yeah! So there!

Whoa! Wah!

Ugh.

[Groaning]

Great.

Uh, hello?

Anybody hear me?

Well played, hole.

Well played.

[Humming]

Sneak attack! Ah!

[Groaning in pain]

Ugh.

[Grunting]

Oh, come on, you.

I almost got it.

[Groans]

Ooh! Oh, darn.

Ahh!

[Grunts]

Uh, hello?

Anybody there?

Grab ahold of the rope, and I’ll pull you out.

Oh, just a little bit.

[Grunting]

Just keep pulling.

It’s almost there. Oh! I’m stuck on the ridge.

Man, you are not small.

I prefer the term husky capable.

Croc bandit!

Dragon Warrior.

Hu! Hyah!

[Karate sounds]

Whoa!

Oh, guy, what are you doing?

Did I, like, punch you in the face or something?

No. I got you out of a hole.

Yeah, so you could rob me, croc bandit.

Why do people always… [Sigh]

Look, I’m not just a bandit, okay?

I’m also a son, a friend, an amateur arsonist,

and I have an herb garden with, like, stuff in it.

So whoa!

Yeah, you did help me.

Sorry.

Ah, it’s all right. Forget about it.

Hey, name’s Fung.

And you’re welcome, Dragon Warrior.

Thanks, I owe you one.

Trusted a croc bandit?

Uh, yeah.

I mean, I didn’t have much of a choice.

Although, I was this close to outsmarting that hole.

If he showed up here, I’d… [grunts]

Ha! That’s nothing. I’d… [grunts]

What about you, Po?

I’d…

Answer the door.

Brave.

[Gasp] Fung!

Whoa. You live here?

Is your dad, like, rich or something?

There must be, like, 100 bathrooms in here.

I mean, that flooring, that stuff’s not cheap.

It’s like totally custom. Look at that!

Po, who’s there?

Fung, it’s the furious five.

If they find you, you’re dead meat.

[Grunts] Hmm.

What are you doing here?

I need your help.

Help you? I can’t do that.

You’re a bandit. A bad guy.

You know, steal things?

Why in the world would I help you?

You owe me one.

  • But…
  • Hey, your words, guy.

You owe me one.

I mean, unless, like, the Dragon Warrior’s word

doesn’t mean anything.

O… kay. What?

My brother was kidnapped by Jong ngng Jai Kai Chow.

Sung Jong Jai Kai Chow?

Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow.

Sung Jong Jai Kai Chow?

  • Jong Sung…
  • Jai Kai…

Chow. Hmm.

If I don’t rescue him soon, he’s a goner.

Hmm.

It’s true, guy. You gotta believe me!

See… my brother was taking some of his croclets

on a hike in the southern region of the Valley of Peace.

He’s, like, totally into nature and junk.

He must’ve accidentally strayed onto Jong Sung…

  • Jai Kai…
  • Chow’s land because…

Before you know it, his bloodthirsty guards

konked him on the head…

And dragged him off, never to return.

Now do you believe me, guy?

Maybe.

Ugh. Why can’t you ask your gang to help you?

What? Gol.

Come on, face it. They’re nitwits.

I need help. Professional help.

I need Dragon Warrior help.

I don’t know, Fung.

I got nowhere else to go.

My brother…

Is lost and alone and locked up.

And… [cries]

You have to trust me, Po.

I… my brother. He needs you. Please!

Will you help me… Dragon Warrior?

Okay.

I can’t thank you enough for helping me get my brother, Po.

Happy to… oh!

Yeah, I’m happy to… Ah ha ho!

I’m happy to… Arrgh!

I’m happy to help! Oof!

What? Why’d we stop?

What? No… um, no reason.

I was just, you know, getting my bearings and stuff.

And, um, is that north?

You don’t know where we are?

Here, check the map.

This is all of China.

Uh, yeah. My brother’s… In here somewhere.

So… just, you know…

I’m out here risking my neck for you,

and you don’t even know where we’re going!

Wow, this is weird.

I’ve never been the guy yelling at the other guy

after the bad thing happens.

Yeah, well, don’t get use…

“Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow’s land.”

No trespassing.

Anyone caught will have their heads boiled with cabbage

and their earlobes stretched around their heads

“and continued.”

Continued?

Oh! Continued.

“And their earlobes stretched around their heads.

See diagram.”

Eww!

At least we found Jong’s land.

Yes, you did.

Prepare to have your heads boiled with cabbage.

You earlobes… Yeah, we read the sign.

[Sigh] Look!

[Screams]

[All yelling]

Whoa!

Heh!

Ooh.

[Vocalizing]

Hey, feel free to jump in anytime.

But you’re doing really great.

Fung! Look out!

That was, like, awesome, guy.

I knew I couldn’t do this without the Dragon Warrior.

I got your back, Fung.

But when I agreed to help you, I didn’t realize I’d be doing

all the, you know, dangerous stuff.

Gol!

Hey, guy, if you’re not happy with how I’m running things,

maybe you’d like to be in charge.

You know, there’s a lot of pressure being the leader, Po.

You know, because, like, when you lead,

you have to, like, stand in front of everybody and point

with your finger, and it, like…

You really have to… Do things like…

If you point, right?

If you just point at one thing, like, people are looking

straight at you, and you have to make sure

that your pointing is believ…

Listen, it’s just hard, okay?

[Sigh]

Who am I kidding? All I do is make mistakes.

Come on, that’s not true.

It is.

This one time when I was working for my dad,

I accidentally glued a terra cotta warrior to his face,

and now he can only grow a mustache on one side.

I had to become a bandit.

It’s the only thing I’m good at.

So you’re good at it?

Not really. [Groans]

Hey, don’t get so down on yourself.

I mean, look at me. You found me in a hole.

True.

Don’t you hate it when you mess up?

Yeah! And you have spend all your free time trying to fix it.

Yeah! Totally.

And then, like, you have to, like,

bury somebody up to their neck.

Yeah! Or at least clean up the mess.

It’s the same thing.

And me becoming the Dragon Warrior

was all because of my mistakes.

I made so many mistakes that Shifu actually tried

to drum me out of the Jade Palace.

Really?

Yeah.

[Laughs] Loser!

Ha ha, good for nothing.

Dufus.

Lame brain.

  • Dimwit, panda.
  • Moron alligator.

[Laughs]

Crocodile. I’m a crocodile.

Totally different snout.

Oh, okay, I’m sorry.

The palace! We did it!

See? I told you we’d find it.

So, fearless leader, what’s your ingenious plan?

Right, check it out, okay.

First of all,

I distract this guy over here.

Cool! What do I do?

Okay, then you overpower these guards here and here.

After that, you shimmy up this wall,

take out the archers here, here, here, and here.

After you disable the giant crossbow somewhere around here,

you sneak into the palace and open this side door here.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy, guy.

Yeah.

Exactly what will you be doing while I’m doing all of this, uh,

other stuff?

Um… watching the Master work?

Ha!

[Grunting]

That was, like, truly an incredible display of…

You want the Dragon Warrior? You got the Dragon Warrior.

[Laughs] Whoa.

This is never gonna work.

No one’s gonna believe that I’m a guard and you’re a prisoner.

Not with that attitude.

Make it look good. Hit me or something.

[Smack] Hey, quit hitting me, guard.

Just doing my guard job.

Look, that must be where they’re holding my brother.

‘Sup, guys.

Got a trespasser here, but I was all out of cabbage…

Water… So I brought him here.

You shouldn’t be back here with a prisoner.

Where’s your uniform?

Oh! Ha.

Yeah… I had wee bit of a chafing issue,

so I, uh… [Kung fu shouts]

Teach you to be a fashion critic.

Hand me one of those crates. I’ll sneak my bro out in it.

Your brother’s gonna fit in here?

It’s a… gland thing.

I’ll go in while you keep a lookout.

[Humming]

[Distant scream]

Ooh.

Let’s go!

[Panting]

Which way, this way?

Oof!

Intruders! Close the gate!

[Gate closing]

Ooh! Pardon.

Go, Fung, go! I got it!

Ow!

Tail! Tail!

They’re getting away! After them.

Open the gate.

You and your brother better get outta here, Fung.

I couldn’t have done it without you.

Thanks, Po.

[Sigh] Sure thing, loser.

[Laughs] Sucker.

♪ Dragon Warrior, freeing the croc!♪

♪ He didn’t knock just broke the lock♪

♪ Oh, what a shock to Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow♪

ooh.

What?

Maybe you can shed some light on this.

These guards are from Jong’s palace.

They say you broke in earlier today…

With a… crocodile bandit.

You bet I did, and I’d do it again,

because I’m the Dragon Warrior, free…

Hey.

You’re coming with us for the kidnapping of Jong’s son.

His n? N?

Wait a minute, I wasn’t kidnapping.

I was un-kidnapping Fung’s brother.

Fung has no brother.

The person you snuck out of the palace was Jong’s son.

What?

I’m sorry, Po.

You must go back and face these charges.

But this isn’t right! I…

Noooo!

Where’s my son?

I’d tell you if I knew, but I don’t.

You gotta believe me.

This is all a big misunderstanding.

Good news, my friend.

The cabbage is almost ready.

Great. Serve it up, ‘cause I am star…

Oh.

You mean the cabbage for the head boilage.

Second thought, I’m good.

You dare break into my palace

and steal my son?

But you don’t understand. It wasn’t me.

It was a croc bandit.

Oh, so he overpowered my guards.

Um, no, technically that was me.

Oh, so he defeated my archers and disabled my catapult.

Yeah, also me, but [Sigh].

There was a context. Ha.

Oh, my friend, I saw with my own eyes

you helped your fellow bandit escape with my boy.

I see your point… s.

But I’m the Dragon Warrior.

I wouldn’t knowingly take your son.

Got anyone to back you up on that story?

Well, I… No. Not here.

Fung sorta left me in the lurch.

Yeah, I got no one.

I’m beginning to think you are not my friend, my friend.

Hey! Let me out! It’s bouncy, stop it! Oh!

  • Intruders!
  • What?

Ow!

Hey, quit it. It’s me. Fung.

What’s the matter with… Ow!

Gary!

Uh, sorry.

Got caught up in the moment.

And it’s gah-ri.

[Grunt]

That Jong’s gonna pay a fortune to get his kid back.

[All laughing]

So the Dragon Warrior fell in the hole?

Guys, I mean, it all went down just like I said it would.

And now he’s gonna take the fall for the whole caper.

I heard that Jong’s men arrested him.

They did?

He’s the whole reason I was able to do this.

I mean, he fought off the guards,

he snuck me in.

He held the gate so I could get out,

now he’s probably… Oh, man.

Having his head boiled with cabbage

and earlobes stretched around his head and…

Continued.

And it’s all because of Fung.

Way to go, Fung.

You’re making a mistake.

Relax, my friend, I’ve decided to dispense

with the boiling cabbage water.

Oh, great, ‘cause I…

Cabbage water is too good for you.

Bring in… the devices.

I’ll even let you pick the method of your torture,

my friend.

Uh, not crazy about that one.

Oh, nuh-uh. No, no. Keep it moving.

Uh, that one.

Excellent choice.

Ahh.

What exactly does that thing do?

I can’t wait to find out.

Wait!

There’s something you should know.

What’s that, my friend?

This! Agh!

Man, in my head that was gonna be so much cooler.

Now, where were we?

Wait!

Again, it wasn’t my idea. It was…

This mysterious crocodile bandit you spoke of.

Yes, I know. And where is he now, exactly?

Probably a million miles away, sucking on a coconut

with a little umbrella sticking out of it!

Darn it!

Actually, I’m allergic to coconuts.

  • Fung!
  • Po.

Whoa! You tricked me!

I trusted you.

And you left me to get feather thingy

attached to the scary, weird thinged.

Not cool.

But… I came back to save you.

There’s nothing you can do or say that would make me

believe that.

How ‘bout bringing the kid back?

Papa!

You okay, my friend?

Yes, papa.

Fung…

You came back for me.

Course I did.

You helped me, I help you.

We losers gotta stick together.

Yeah, it’s actually a good way to win.

Hey. Hey, right here.

I’m the guy you’re looking for.

It was me, not Po.

Let him go.

Seize them!

Wait a minute, what?

I didn’t say I was staying.

Now those idiots will pay for what they have done.

[Blowing raspberries]

Whoa!

Oh, God!

Down here.

Come on! We got outta here once.

  • Ah!
  • What’s up, guys?

[Panting]

[Whimpering]

Huh?

Whoa!

Close the gate.

Archers, fire!

Catapult!

[Slow clapping]

Very impressive, my friends.

But what you failed to realize is…

[Both screaming]

Did they… Did they follow us?

I don’t think so.

We… [Wheezing]

We made it.

Uh, I gotta go explain to the guys what happened,

so if you wanna beat me up some more,

now’s the time.

Nah. I think I got that out of my system.

The guys are gonna have to wait.

First, I gotta take you to jail.

What?

Oh, no! Why?

Well, you did sorta take a kid and then try to pin it on me.

Guess you got a point there.

Okay, Dragon Warrior. Come and get me.

[Sigh]

Whoa!

Nice working with you, Po.

Take ‘er easy.

So, hole, we meet again.

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