jailhouse_panda

Hear the legends of the Kung Fu Panda

Raised in a noodle shop

Never seeking glory or fame

He climbed the mountaintop and earned the “Dragon Warrior” name

Kung Fu Panda

Master “Shifu” saw the warrior blossom

And master the skills of Bodacious and Awesome

Kung Fu Panda

He lives, and he trains

And he fights with the Furious Five

Protect the valley

Kung Fu Panda

Legends of Awesomeness

Sweet

Panda, have you seen tigress

You sent her and monkey to take supplies

To that village in the north

Oh, that’s right, of course

Go back to whatever it is you’re doing

Ooh

What about viper, mantis, or crane

Uh, molting, on bandit patrol,

And shopping for ankle bracelets

oh

Something I can do for you, master shifu

Hmm

Oh, no

You look like your hands are full

Uh, but maybe I can help

You ever look at your reflection

And think that your ears are too big

No

Because sometimes I see my reflection

And i think, “man, shifu’s ears are huge”

Little joke

Something wrong

Yes, po, something is very wrong

You know the sacred war hammer of lei lang

The hammer has not been used since ancient times

Its owner wielded devastating power

Years ago, the merciless villain tong fo

Stole the war hammer

We had to get it back before he could unleash its destruction

The battle was fierce, but the furious five won the day

And the sacred war hammer was safe once more

Or so we thought

I wouldn’t touch that if i were

Ah

Shifu, no

I just discovered it’s a fake

Tong fo hid the real hammer before he was sent to prison

If he should escape and retrieve it,

He’s vowed to decimate the valley of peace

What

What are we gonna do

When the five return, I will send one of them into the prison

To learn the location of the hammer,

Disguised as sheng, a fugitive criminal

Uh, that doesn’t really look like one of the five

What, are you gonna, like, put a beard on tigress

Or big ears on mantis

If you must know,

By using one of these

Whoa

Magic eggs

It’s a shift stone

Ooh, can I try

Can I try

Hmm, all right

Hold it in your hand and concentrate

Yeah, I think someone sold you a bum shift stone

Look in the pool

Whoa, sheng

That is so cool

This is what you now look like to me and everyone else

Hey, you know what

Your ears don’t seem so big now

Sweet

We don’t need to wait for the furious five

I’ll go into chor ghom, all dragon warrior-Style

Poyou

You have many good qualities

Well

But finesse, subtlety, and cunning aren’t any of them

I’m sorry, po

It’s just too dangerous to send you

We’ll just wait for the five to return and hope

I’ll show him

I got finesse, subtlety, cunning

And one of these

New prisoner

New prisoner

New prisoner

Bet you never saw a prisoner like me, huh

That’s right

The big house has got a new mayor,

‘Cause I’m one bad criminal-Type bad guy

I’m the baddest of the bad you ever Wha

Back in your cells

Yeah, check me out,

‘Cause i’m all criminal-Esque and whatnot

I’m gonna make a sweater out of you

uh, maybe after lunch

Hey, was that tong fo

No

Uh, whatever, I’m still bad

Whoa

Was that tong fo

No

Tong fo

No

Is he around here or

Enough questions, sheng

I’ve had it with you

Oof

Ah

Hello

Tong fo

Uh, hi

I’m, uh, sheng

Put her there

I don’t shake hands

Yeah, handshakes are for law-Abiding chumps, right

That was a test

Making sure you’re a bad dude like me

Who enjoys various crimey things that

Man, your eyes are huge

My eyes aren’t big

I have a small skull

My brain barely fits inside it

Yeah, well, good thing it does, right

‘Cause then you’d be all like, exposed brain and all

I’ve heard stories about you, sheng

What are you in for now

what am I not in for, yeah

Yeah

Uh, one time I was, like, doing a robbery thing

And there were these guys that were like, “stop robbing us,”

And I was like, “no”

True story

And another time I was assaulting and battery-Ing

This tea shop ‘cause that’s how I roll

Crime doing, ‘cause I’m like

Liar

Huh

Liar

What

Me

No

Sheng

You’re not sheng

I hear sheng’s a master of the head game

A trickster

You’re not even a good liar

Bad, bad liar

Boys

You’ve got henchmen in your cell

Cool

Uh, we prefer the term “associate”

Fung

How does he know your name

Uh, legend, I guess

Dude, those eyes,

seriously

It’s not my eyes

It’s my skull

Now get him out of here

You know what you are, goat

You’re a bad liar

A good criminal needs to be a good liar

And you, my goaty-Goat friend, are not

You lack finesse, you lack subtlety, and you lack–

Cunning, I know

That’s exactly what shifu said

What

Did you say, “shifu”

Did I

Uh, I meant, uhyes

Yes, I meant shifu

‘Cause here’s the deal, mr Tiny skull

Whoa

That’s right, I’m not sheng

I’m the dragon warrior

I’m the big ol’ panda

And shifu snuck me in here disguised as sheng

To get info from you

And if something happens to me,

They’ll be coming for you

Try to wrap those googly eyes around that, jack

Oh, good, very good

Maybe I had you wrong, goat

Because that is a very good lie

Sheng

Let him go, fung

What, seriously

And bring us some dinner

I-I thought we were having dinner

Okay

It’s like three months of sucking up

To tong fo down the drain

That goat is going down, gah-Ri

Down

Mmm, no

Darn it

I could use a guy like you on the outside, sheng

That fake, stupid thing you do

Without finesse, subtlety, or cunning, is brilliant

Yeah, been working on that for a while

That feels weird

Okay, here’s what’s up

When I get out, I’m going to destroy all who have been against me with the sacred hammer of lei lang

Sacred hammer, huh

Uh, that’s a great idea

“Where would one keep a hammer like that”

He subtlely asked, all finesse-Y and cunning-Like

It’s on

Yeah

It’s on

Yeah

Camelback mountain

Bingo

I mean, uh, camelback, right

Well, i think i need to go visit the, uh, little goat’s room

Too much tainted prison water

Goat

Hurry back

For

For dessert

camelback, camelback, camelback

just change back to po and get me a hammer

How do you like me now, shifu

Ah

I’m on to you, goat

You are

Yeah, we’re tong fo’s boot-Licking toadies

Not you

Us

I’m pretty sure he’s got plenty of boots to lick

If you’re into that sort of thing

Which sounds like you

A shift stone

Why would he have

He really is the dragon warrior

And he had the moxie to tell me right to my face

I love this guy

Okay, once those guards see who I really am

Where’s the shift stone

The shift stone

Where is it

Goat, you’re back

Uh, yeah, there was a line so, uh

Hey

You’re a trickster, dragon warrior

You told me the truth as if it was a lie,

But it was the truth, which made me think, “how”

And I’d say, “it’s ‘cause you’re

What, cunning, subtle, finesse-Y

Yeah, all those things

Neat

Excuse me

Yeah

you’re all done, tong fo

I know the hammer’s on camelback mountain,

So you might as well give up

Your attitude, it amuses me

Because i’m out here, and you’re in there

Not for long

Once the guards see who I really am, I’m–

Once they see

Give me a second here

Once they

Shift stone, shift stone

Where is the

Are you looking for this

my shift stone

Enjoy being trapped in prison, goat

One more thing

Just wanted to say thanks for helping me escape

No

Someone stop him

Tong fo is escaping

Guards, help

What’s all the screaming about

That guard is tong fo

He’s escaping

Listen to me

I’m the dragon warrior

the dragon warrior

Right

I can see you doing that

The super goat

Aww, shifu was right about me

The valley of peace is doomed and it’s all my fault

No

li-Listen Listen to this

Let me out

I’m the dragon warrior

I used a stone to make me a goat and make friends with tong fo,

But he took the stone and escaped

And he’s going to get the sacred hammer

And destroy the valley of peace

That’s

That’s hilarious, right

Hey, where’s tong fo

Tong fo’s escaped

Tong fo’s escaped

Close the gate

Tong fo’s escaped

Close the gate

Closing the gate

Sometimes, it’s too easy

Let me out

Not a chance, goat

Tong fo may be gone, but that don’t make you–

Oof

Sorry

Ooh

Sorry

Sorry

Sorry

Man, that goat kicked our butts

I mean, he was all like, brutal and all,

But his eyes, they, like, said, “I care”

We should totally start sucking up to the goat,

You know, just until tong fo comes back

Yeah, but what if the goat doesn’t want us

Don’t even talk like that, gah-Ri

Just do whatever the goat says

I’m busting out and I need your help

You with me

We got to get up there

Little help

What Huh

I’m gonna have to say, “no”

Get the door

hit it

Hit it again

Hit it

Hit it, hit it,

hit it, hit it

Watch out for the archers

What archers

Darn it

Run, run

stop running

We made it

Yeah

Are you gonna barf

No

Maybe

So, what now

Well, you guys can get back to bandit-Ing or whatever

I got to keep tong fo

From the sacred war hammer of lei lang

you’re going after tong fo

Uh, yeah

I can’t let you do that, goat

Tong fo’s still our guy

Make him a collage or something

I don’t have time for this

We’re making collages

What’s this

A prisoner escaped from chor ghom

Oh, look at this maniac

That sinister brow

Those evil, psychotic eyes

Ahh, such a beautiful day

To destroy the valley of peace

Goat or should i say dragon warrior

Tong fo or should I say

Uh– Hand over the hammer

You don’t really think I’m gonna do that, do you

No, I figured we’d have to fight first

Hold it

My heroes

You’ve arrived just in time

To help me capture this terrible villain

He escaped from prison

Tigress, thank goodness you’re

Here

Wait

That’s tong fo

He

Guys, really, I’m po

I’m on a secret mission

He does sound like po

Last time I checked, po was a panda, not a goat

It’s a disguise

Ah

Ooh

I took shifu’s shift stone

He fights like po

Beginner’s luck

Ha

Wait

I’ll prove it’s me

Monkey, you shaved your back once on a dare

Tigress, you cried once two summers ago

Monkey, you told me you were afraid of birch trees

Tigress dry heaves when she hears the word “slurp”

Monkey, love songs make you cry

And tigress, when you were a teenager,

You had a crush on shifu

he really is po

If you’re done hitting me,

We need to stop tong fo from getting the–

Sacred war hammer of lei lang

Guess we don’t need this anymore

Okay, folks

Time to start the show

Wait

We’re here to help you in your time of need, boss

You know, actually, what I really need

Is not so many interruptions

Don’t let it hit the ground

Fortune has smiled on us yet again

Again

It never smiled on us before

Gah-Ri, you know what

No

I admire your tenacity

I really do

But I’m faster than you,

I’m smarter than you,

And I’m smarter than you

You already said that

That’s because I’m twice as smart as you

Ha

A little joke there

careful there

Hammer go boom

Your tomfoolery is growing tiresome to me

In an irritating sort of way

Then you’re really gonna hate

This

Destroy them and you can be my lackeys forever

Yes

You heard the man

Wipe them out

What are you doing, little croc

A shift stone

I thought shifu had all of those

I do

Shifu

This is an eventuality I did not foresee

I’m very disappointed

At least we’re together

So you were a croc the whole time

Not the whole time

After I saw you had taken the shift stone,

I decided to go after you

‘Cause you thought I’d mess everything up

No

Well, yes

But I was wrong

I underestimated you, panda

Without you, we never would have stopped tong fo

You mean that

I do

Why don’t you two just hug already

Careful with that, po

Relax

I may not be all finesse, subtle, and cunning-Ish,

But i’m not

Stupid